Monday, March 26, 2007

I am (not) Spock

My dad was a Trekkie, back in the day. He's seen every episode of the original Star Trek series at least 39 million times. What with us having only one TV in our house when I was growing up, that means I've seen them all too; far more than I ever wanted. I never really liked Star Trek, and I liked it far less when my dad took to calling me "Spock." I suppose it started out because I had a logical argument for every time I got into trouble, and then logically tried to talk my way out of it. Whichever; the nickname stuck.

Over the years I have wondered if I was called "Spock" because I was so logical, or if I became more logical because I was called "Spock." I don't think it was very logical to call me "Spock," because my brother was the one with the funky ears, but there you have it. I suppose it works out all right, as the Spouse Sparrow thinks of himself as Captain Kirk, and if Captain Kirk and Spock didn't have a go at some time or another then I'm an Andorrean.

In my own personal life, I have not been very logical; quite the opposite. Some of those who know me will know of my past escapades and wonder that anyone could have ever accused me of being logical or practical. But in planning out the lives of others, I find that I can be very logical and practical.

Here are some examples of how I would logically solve some of the world's thorniest problems....

Problem: Illegal immigration along the US/Mexican border.

Solution: Land mines. Buy up all the land within 2 miles of the US/Mexican border, and plant lots and lots of land mines. Land mines are cheap, and extremely effective (Just ask Princess Diana; that's what actually got her in that tunnel, you know. What, you thought the land mine companies were just going to take all her campaigning lying down?). Sell government bonds to purchase the land. Install land mines. Install cameras in the land-mined area. The cameras will be connected to a website that allows viewers to access it for an hourly fee. People will watch for hours in anticipation of seeing someone getting blown up. This will be bigger than "YouTube." Bonds will be paid off in under 5 years. Illegal immigration will slow to a trickle. Much more effective than changing the 14th amendment, which has been misinterpreted for years anyway.

Problem: Prison overcrowding in California, and too many people on Death Row.

Solution: Pay-Per-View executions. Violence always sells well here in America. If people are willing to shell out $100+ to have their friends come around and watch a boxing match, just think how much they'd be willing to pay to watch someone actually die. Mind you, we can't have any of this namby-pamby lethal injection crap. No, I'm talking hangings, at the very least, and with inexperienced executioners. When we go through all the convicts who are already on Death Row, we change the laws to make kiddie fiddlers and rapists eligible for the death penalty. As an added money maker, when the Pay-Per-View crowd gets tapped out, the government can put the show on regular TV (after accepting bids from all the major TV networks, with the show rights going to the highest bidder) and encourage people to vote (text-messaged at 99 cents a pop, a la "American Idol") on how the prisoners should be executed. Let's make Thursday night "Must See TV" once again. Death Row will be emptied, and our prisons will have excellent funding.

Problem: People complain that the criminals are better armed than the police are.

Solution: Arm everyone with fully-automatic weapons. Sure, it'll be really violent for awhile, but eventually things will sort themselves out, and teenagers will have much better manners when they know their elders are packing heat.

Problem: Ongoing genocide in Darfur.

Solution: Ignore it; the problem will go away.

Problem: Continuing Israeli/Palestinian conflict.

Solution: Have the US government secretly create a puppet terrorist organization that threatens to bomb all the holy sites in Israel and Palestine. Openly encourage as many Jewish/Christian/Muslim fanatics as possible to go and be "human shields." Once they are all there, bomb Israel/Palestine to smithereens. Kill off the puppet terrorist organization. Blame the bombing on rogue Saudis. They get away with all kinds of shit in the Islamic community, with no repercussions from fellow Muslims. Say they did it to get rid of the Jews. Meanwhile, strike a secret deal for cheap oil with the Saudis, or Mecca is next. Israel/Palestine will be under 200+ feet of Mediterranean water. No religious fanatics, no land left to rebuild holy sites on; problem solved. Invest in Jordan, as it is now peaceful beachfront property. Enterprising money makers will quickly offer tours to the area in glass-bottomed boats, so the remaining fanatics can view what used to be. Also, start up a cruise line for Evangelical Christians where loved ones cremains are chucked overboard into the former Holy Land. Bonus points for whoever in Florida recreates the Holy Land, with rides and concessions, as a money-making scheme. Florida's chock-a-block with retired Jews and young Evangelicals, so this one's sure to be a money maker.

Problem: American kids are getting dumber, and don't appreciate what they have.

Solution: Outsource them to India. The ones that survive will appreciate America a lot more, and they can apply to come back to America when they are properly subservient. In the event that none survive, insource Indian kids. They eat less, anyway, which is bound to be more cost-effective.

Problem: Starving, disease-ridden Africans.

Solution: This one's a no-brainer, people. Quit feeding the Africans! Trust me, just like Darfur, the problem will go away. You feed, they breed. C'mon, if Africa was a business, you would have sold your stocks years ago. We're pouring billions of dollars into that shithole, and getting no return for our investment. The least they could do is send over some little African kids to clean our houses and pick up the dog shit in the backyard. Jesus, the ungrateful fuckers.

Problem: North Korea.

Solution: Bomb it back to the Stone Age. Best case scenario: They never manage to get a missile off. Sure, they've got nukes, but they probably can't afford radar. Worst case scenario: North Korea manages to get one off, and they take out Japan. No biggie for us; all of our so-called Japanese "import" cars are made here in the US anyway.

Problem: Cocaine is funding Central American terrorist groups.

Solution: Legalize cocaine, grow it here in the US, and flood the market. The Central American terrorist organizations will have no funding. Yes, everyone in America will be on coke, but we're already hyper, violent, oversexed, and have voted Bush in. How much worse can it get, just by adding cocaine?

Problem: Celebrities in the news for adopting foreign babies.

Solution: Leave it alone. These people are dumber than fuck; you don't want them breeding on their own (Just look at Britney Spears and Kevin Federline. Are these two people who should have bred? I think not). It's not like they're raising the kids, anyway. They have nannies for that, who are probably better educated than the celebrities themselves. The kids will grow up, write best-seller books about wire hangers, and make lots of money.

Problem: Hopeful US presidential candidates are campaigning earlier and earlier each year, much to the irritation of the citizenry.

Solution: Quit holding elections. It's not like the current president was actually elected, the first time around, so I think we've proven what a farce the system is.

So, as you can see, I obviously have some brilliant ideas here, and I may post some others as they come to me. If you have any problems you'd like solved, please feel free to e-mail me. I'm thinking of setting up my own consulting business, so that I can work from home. Does anyone have Halliburton's new number in Dubai?

Fat Sparrow

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Conversations with the Fledgling Sparrow

The Fledgling Sparrow was working away at the computer the other day, slogging out a paper for her English class. I was sitting over on the couch, reading the newspaper. She looks across the room at me and says "Mom, are there still idealists in today's world?"

"Of course," I respond, somewhat surprised.

"Well," she asks, "can you give me a definition or example of one?"

"Easily," I say. "An idealist is a person who firmly believes that Bush stole the election, but still thinks that a woman or a black guy have a good shot at becoming president."

Fat Sparrow