Thursday, October 12, 2006

The temperature has actually been below 80!

It has finally cooled down here in So Cal. We've had 5 days in a row now where I did not have to turn on the swamp cooler (a type of really crap air conditioner). I don't want to jinx it, but I think that autumn may actually be here. I am even wearing a sweater right now.

In "Other Important News," I have a large lump on my wrist. It is not from wanking. It is not from hitting it on anything. It is not discolored. It just mysteriously appeared the other day. I think I may contain some type of alien larvae. Thank God for the Internet, as I will now do a search on my strange symptoms.

It had better not be morgellons, I'll tell you that. There's far too much of that shit going around. Dirty bastards.

Update! -- Oh my God, it's worse than morgellons. I feel ill. That's what I get for looking at medical pictures on the Internet. It looks like I might have something called a "wrist ganglion." I have no idea how I got this, but when I find out which one of you dirty fuckers gave it to me, I am telling your mother/spouse/significant other/sex toy.

You can read a description here and here and see pictures here and here.

Some of the helpful descriptions in the above sites:

"One traditional method of treating a ganglion cyst was to whack the lump with a large, heavy book. And since even the poorest households usually possessed a Bible, that was what they used, which is how ganglion cysts came to be nicknamed 'Bible Bumps' or sometimes 'Gideon's Disease'."

Oh, excellent. Faith-based healing. I believe my HMO covers that.

"Another alternative, that some call traditional, others call a bit barbaric, is to smash the wrist ganglion cyst with a hard object such as a book. This pops the cyst, and ruptures the lining of the cyst. Because the lining is disrupted, the smashed ganglion cyst may not return quite as often as those drained by a needle. However, many patients are uncomfortable with their doctor 'whacking' a book against their wrist..."

No shit; you don't say! I am not letting my doctor do that, even if it is the recommended lower-cost option from my health plan.

My doctor is a young, sadistic little Asian-American chick with a Valley Girl accent, and I am pretty sure she went to a "party school." I'll just bet she knows this so-called treatment. She's not a big believer in anesthetics, either. If this was the Old West, she wouldn't even suggest that you drink whisky and bite the bullet before hand. You should have seen the butchery she did on my daughter's ingrown toenail. When the daughter finally went to a Podiatrist, he was appalled. Can't blame him. I watched the toe surgery, and I almost hurled and passed out.

Well, I've already got an appointment coming up on the 25th, for my sinus infection, and the queasiness I get during sex, so I suppose my doctor can have a look-see at my alien larvae then.

Fat Sparrow


Old Knudsen said...

Being the generous soul I am I'm offering to wring yer neck little bird and put you out of my misery, no need to thank me now.

Anonymous said...

Jesus. That queasiness sounds lethal. Get it sorted.

I had this lump yoke on my neck for about a year. The doc told me it was a lipoma. It's gone now, so I believe him. Is it painful?

Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

Now this is not a medical opinion of any sort but I would say, and I'm no expert, that whacking it with a bloody great anything to burst the cyst is an arsingly horrendous idea. Think of the tissue damage you'd cause! You'd need a whole box just to mop up the cyst-fluid.

Cripes though, Sparra, I'm sorry you're lumpy hun. Does it hurt?

For myself, I think I'm less of a bible-thumper and more of a bible-thumper-thumper.

Fat Sparrow said...

Old Knudsen -- That's awfully white of you, and pretty much what I expected. Again, where's my tea and sympathy, you fucker?

Kav -- The queasiness is not fun, and is way more than my normal ulcer-type queasiness. It is starting to make me worry about sex, which is not good.

This thing on my wrist is hard and bony, and way underneath the skin. It doesn't move. It makes my arm ache enough to interfere with my sleep, and that's with ibuprofen. It sucks.

I have enough medical issues without this stupid drama on top of it. My body can fuck right off.

I'm one of those medical freak people, who are in and out of the hospital all the time, and when I'm in, the doctors get all excited, and call all the interns around for a look.

I swear, next time I'm gonna charge if they all want to have a go at me, medically speaking, that is. We all know I put out for free, so no fooling anyone there.

Sam -- It's like having an extra bit of bone or hard cartilage under your skin, so I think the idea is to whack it, and burst it under the skin (no fuss no muss), with the aim of having your body absorbing the excess fluid, bits, yuckiness, etc. I'll take the surgery, thanks.

Yep, it hurts.

I'm with you on the Bible-thumper-thumper thing.