Monday, August 07, 2006

Lebanon, Shmebanon: I'm not wearing leg warmers again

I don't know jack shit about computers, which is why I'm on AOL, but AOHell irritates me. I think the reason that they have everything in blue is that blue is supposed to be soothing. Fat lot of good that is, when you're wanting to bang your head on a wall because you can't figure anything out.

Don't even ask me how I managed to set this blog up; it was sheer luck and a lot of sacrifices involving the blood of a cock. That male prostitute will probably never work again. Which reminds me.... I need to order one of those plastic-cover-keyboard-condom thingies.

I don't want to hear the lot of you complain about how I shouldn't be using a computer if I don't know what I'm doing. It's my computer, and Al Gore has given me special permission to use the Internet, and I can tell right now that you're doubting me, which is not very nice. The voices in my head have some very rude things to say about you. I used to be a really cracker-jack programmer, back in 1982, on my Apple IIe, which totally kicked ass. I wrote this program that had a unicorn dancing under a glittering, moving rainbow, with a waterfall in the background.

Stop laughing, it was 1982, and you were wearing headbands and legwarmers. Oh dear, you're still wearing legwarmers? They're trendy again, God help us all. I was looking at the sale ads in the Sunday paper, and some truly awful styles (if you can call them that) are back. Black and white wide stripes? Are these really necessary? Only if you're in prison and it's the 1930's.

This year has been bizarre -- a lot of deja vu, a la 1982. First all the clothing manufacturers expect my daughter to wear the exact same styles of clothing as I did back then (and believe me, I have learned my lesson; you will not see me shelling out money for that crap again), and then Israel invades Lebanon. If I have to put up with Human League on the radio again, it will be too much. What was that bit about people not knowing history being doomed to repeat it? I wasn't paying attention....

People who think that there will ever be peace in the Middle East don't know their history; that lot have been going at it for over 7,000 years now. I could kinda see the point when it was the Fertile Crescent, Garden of Eden thing going on, but now? It's just a bunch of smelly, unwashed, brown people, and I see no reason for putting up with that unless you're getting Mexican food. They should all be forced to read "Guns, Germs, and Steel," so they can realize that they do not have it going on anymore.

Of course, if they were forced to read "Guns, Germs, and Steel," there would be a hell of a lot more suicide bombers than there are now. Jeez, that book did go on. I thought a better name for it would have been "Location, Location, Location: and what they ate while they were there," but I guess that title is not as catchy. There were not enough guns or germs, and steel barely got a mention. What did get mentioned, repeatedly, was the phrase "food production," approximately 1,296,379 times. McDonald's does not talk about food production that much, for Christ's sake. Then again, McDonald's doesn't serve food, so maybe that's why.

Living in a county that's bigger than most European nations, it's hard for me to understand why there is so much fighting over some seemingly useless bits of land. And the Israelis -- what on earth possessed you to agree to that whole "Gee, we'll give you back Israel" thing after World War II? I mean, I feel as bad about the Holocaust as any modern day Gentile-type-person can, I don't have any problem with Jews in general (unlike Mel Gibson, and hey, isn't "Mel" a Jewish sounding kind of name, anyway?). I know exactly one Jew, my childhood doctor, whom I thought was the greatest, and he survived the Holocaust and wrote 2 books about it, so shut yer yap.

What use is a little strip of land, even if it has nice beaches, if you keep getting the shit bombed out of you? Land- and climate-wise, the Middle East is pretty much just like here in So Cal, but you don't have to put up with Fox bringing out stupid TV shows about it (although "The ME" does sound quite catchy, doesn't it?). I think the whole land gift thing was just a plot on the part of the U.N. to get the Jews out of Europe. Ah, the U.N.; sneaky secret Kraut sympathizers, I bet you haven't heard that conspiracy theory before.

Honestly, if the Allies had felt that bad about the Jews getting decimated by the Germans, why didn't they just give Germany to the Jews? After all, most of them were from Germany and the surrounding countries, and the Jews couldn't possibly have fucked up Germany any worse than the Germans had. Plus, it really would have messed with the German's heads, and I am all for that. There's something very rotten at the heart of German culture, and I don't just mean the sauerkraut farts. But wait, now that I think about it, Germany did kinda shape up after they got rid of all the Jews, so maybe those idealogues in that there Weimerainer Republic had something going on after all. Nah, fuck it, I'll take Jews over Germans any day of the week.

Ooooh, I just had a brilliant idea -- Germany is always going on with protesting all the Muslim immigrants they're getting, and how the German (read: white) birthrate is declining, and their country is filling up with camel jockeys, so why don't all the Germans just go and take over one of the countries in the Middle East? Then they can bitch about Jews and Muslims, and really mix it up over there by adding yet another player to the mix. Who am I kidding; they would totally get their asses kicked, and we don't need yet another language in the Middle East that sounds like you're trying to hawk up a loogie when you pronounce words.

But back to Israel, figuratively and literally.... There's no oil there, and the Jews haven't been able to hold that land on their own for centuries, and apparently a bunch of them are also American citizens that voted for Bush, so the Arabs are completely right, and it is all very obviously a devious American plot. But, in our defense, the British started it.

And yes, I do feel bad for Lebanon. Wear your leg warmers to show support.

Fat Sparrow

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