Saturday, October 28, 2006

Panic on the streets of....

I must, absolutely must clean my hovel. My parents are coming over, as it is the Fledgling Sparrow's birthday tomorrow (she will be 15), and my house looks like Miss Havisham's, but without the elegance. Very appropriate for Hallowe'en, if it wasn't for the carpet of dog hair.

My parents will be positively appalled. I mean, not that they haven't seem it messy, but still. My mother will shake her head sadly, sure that my blogging is ruining my life. As if I had a life?

It's their fault, anyway. Why am I not a rich trust fund brat? Spoiled rich girls pay someone to clean for them.

We have had the Santa Ana winds here, and everything is covered in an inch of dust and dirt. I hate the winds; 50 mph, a constant breeze blowing through my house (even with it closed up), and yet still I have a cloud of dog farts hanging over everything. Not only that, we're at 9% humidity, and I feel like Cassandra in Dr. Who: "Moisturize me, I'm drying out!"

I had better get to the cleaning. See you lot later.

Fat Sparrow

10 comments:

fatmammycat said...

Poor thing, parents are dreadful. Parents coming to homes are worse. I find if I get my mother velly drunk she's not nearly as much as a filthy bitchy finger draggin' over dusty ledges comment making cunt as usual. Rum, rum might be the answer.
God's speed fat garden bird, God's speed.

Foot Eater said...

If your house really looked like Miss Havisham's, FS, it would be burned down. Consider this a tip.

boudica of suburbia said...

I cleared last week's beer cans off the side table... I consider this a momentous achievement.

You think your house is messy?

Fat Sparrow said...

FatMammyCat -- Unfortunately, the mater does not imbibe. I do though, hahaha.

She doesn't doesn't slag me off at all, and she's actually quite nice; it's just all my daughterly guilt coming out. You know, that "Damn, my mother didn't raise me this way, why am I not a better person" kind of thing that goes through your head.

Footie -- You ponce. Don't go all intellectualier-than-thou on me, or I'll beat the Dickens out of you.

Boudica -- Good job! We only clean up our cans when we take them to the recycling center. I probably couldn't be arsed begging the Spouse Sparrow to do that if they didn't pay $1.80 a pound for aluminum.

Kieran said...

I think the only solution to everything is to go and live in the desert.

Clairwil said...

My house is a total tip. Very Miss Havisham and that includes the abandoned wedding feast. The last time I allowed a parent into my house they cleaned behind my cooker!

According to Quentin Crisp the dust doesn't get any worse after two years.

Fat Sparrow said...

Kieran -- No. But I do have a list of people I'd like to kill and bury in the desert; does that count?

Clairwil -- Can you send your parents to my house? I will be ever so happy to let them clean behind my cooker.

And Quentin Crisp is a fart sniffing felcher, and full of mad dog shite, besides. If the dust doesn't get any worse after two years, what the fuck happened to ancient Egypt, huh? All those buried monuments and shit, that was because the Egyptians couldn't be arsed to dust.

No, really, so what about your parents and my cooker? Do they do windows?

Anonymous said...

Santa Ana wind? I think Spouse Sparrow's getting ideas above his station. I mean, we're all proud of our wind now and then, but naming his after a Saint? Jeebus.

I'm lucky enough to have a female to keep me right in matters of cleanliness and hygiene. I've even started taking "showers", an increasingly popular form of washing one's self.

johnnyboy said...

That house-cleaning sure is taking a long time. Did you use this ?

Fat Sparrow said...

Kav -- Luckily (or not, for me) the Spouse Sparrow only lets his wind loose while he sleeps. He's almost civilized. Surprising, I know, as he's from Belfast, but there you have it.

Um, if those are golden showers, you may want your female to clean you, after.

Johnnyboy -- No, but I sure could use that. Do you have one?

Also a digital camera, if you want pictures of my butt plug collection. Although the zucchini is getting kinda moldy.