Friday, August 11, 2006

How to piss off a White, Male, Conservative, Republican, Catholic bookstore owner

It's very easy to piss off a White, Male, Conservative, Republican, Catholic bookstore owner. You can do it, too! Here are some tips to get you started:

Tell him that you are Pro-Choice, and that Jesus is your saviour, not your gynecologist, and that while you have accepted God, it is not in the same way as the Virgin Mary did, and God does not love you "that way" (you sick fuck), so there is no need for Jesus or God to concern Himself with your vagina or uterus.

Tell him that abortion may or may not be murder, but that it is obviously not as bad a sin in the eyes of the Church as divorce is. If you have an abortion, or kill someone, that is a private matter between you and your priest during Confession and Reconciliation. If you get a divorce, you have to go through two years of paperwork for an annulment, processed by the nosiest busy-bodies in your Diocese, and the Bishop has to approve it. Ergo, divorce trumps abortion as far as sins go.

Ask him if he really believes that all sperm are sacred, and, if so, why is he not out protesting male masturbation, and campaigning Congress to get laws passed against it?

Tell him you thought "The Da Vinci Code" was an excellent book, and the movie was even better.

Tell him you don't know what Opus Dei is so upset about, as bad publicity is better than no publicity.

Tell him you pray for Vacations.

Ask him what difference it makes if priests are gay, since they are celibate anyway.

Tell him it is okay if Catholics are gay, as no one is perfect, and we are all sinners in the eyes of God.

Ask him if God didn't create "Adam & Steve," then who did?

Ask him if he sells any versions of the Bible that use "all-inclusive language," so that women don't feel discriminated against.

Tell him you feel really bad about the plight of all the brown, illegal immigrants that are here in America.

Tell him that you do like his store a lot, but that he could get more business by catering to the Quinceanera crowd.

Ask him why he doesn't carry any Santa Muerte merchandise.

Ask him if it upsets him that the money he donates to the Church goes to support a lot of those same brown, illegal immigrants, and the various marches and protests that they attend.

Ask him if it upsets him, as a business owner, that his hard-earned tax dollars also go toward the support of the same thing.

Tell him you think John Kerry is a good Catholic.

Tell him about this website you know of, Divine Interventions, that carries Catholic merchandise.

Ask him if he is feeling all right, or would he like you to call an ambulance.

And finally, ask him if you can have a discount at his store, as you will be shopping there often.

Fat Sparrow

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