Monday, August 28, 2006

Stop planetary discrimination NOW!

Poor Pluto. Apparently size does matter, especially if you lean a little bit to the left, and your orbit is a bit confused, if you know what I mean.

A group of astronomers belonging to the International Astronomical Union (are astronomers so badly paid, and work under such dire conditions that they need a union?), 2,500 strong, descending on some god-forsaken Eastern European craphole, and handed Pluto its walking papers.

See, this is what happens when you have democracy. Only 300 of the astronomers showed up to vote; the rest were recovering from being completely shit-faced on Czech beer. I'll bet all of them sent in an expense report to their governments or various institutions, though, whether they voted or not. This would never have happened in a dictatorship. In a dictatorship, Pluto would still be part of the Mouseketeers. Even better is a Theocracy, in which only one vote counts: God's vote. That's the way to get things done, and keep shit efficient. Anyone protests, burn 'em.

The dropping of Pluto has now totally fucked up all the mnemonics people use. Don't ask me to list them, as I can remember the names and the order of the planets, but not the mnemonic used to remember the order, strangely enough (something about someone's mom and nine pizzas). No doubt it's due to me being shit-faced on Mexican beer, but there you have it.

The mnemonics I do know, having had them drilled into my head repeatedly, and very recently, are the ones using song, from 2 kid's shows, "Blue's Clues", and "Little Einsteins". My 2-year-old, the Nestling Sparrow, knows the planets and their order now, thanks to these songs, and I do not have the heart to tell him that Pluto has carked it. The Spouse Sparrow has even made him little planet cardboard cut-outs, appropriately painted, and the Nestling Sparrow loves them so much he takes them to bed with him. Pluto is one of the Nestling Sparrow's favorites, and he will tell you "Pluto is the small one!" The Nestling Sparrow plans on visiting all the planets in his rocket, as soon as he gets the kinks worked out, which mainly involves banging on his rocket with a toy hammer. Fucking heartless astronomers, stomping on the dreams of small children.

I think that they should rename the remaining 8 planets, with the names of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, and they should do it quickly, before Disney sues over the booting of Pluto. Renaming the planets after the Dwarfs will appease the gods of Disney (and before the lot of you anal-retentive butt-fuckers start in on me about how the plural of "dwarf" is "dwarves," well, DUH! I didn't name the movie, Disney did, and it's not my fault he didn't know fuck-all). Hardly anyone objects to Disney movies, and our current planet naming system is un-Christian, and favors pagans, so we are just asking to get sued by some right-wing Christian religious group. My suggestion will take care of all of this in one fell swoop, and Disney can then pay NASA to put giant banners advertising various Disney goods on each of the planets. NASA will have to get efficient then, the dumb fucks, otherwise Disney Corp. will be in there setting them straight immediately. I am sure Disney can give NASA some good tips on space travel, as they have never lost anyone by a giant explosion due to defective O-rings or tiles on Star Tours. It will be a win-win situation for all involved.

Our local newspaper has been having a field day with this Pluto thing, so much so that you would think that Pluto is one of our local corrupt mayors, up for re-election. They even went to the trouble to interview, get this -- astrologers. I like astrology as much as the next person, as it is quite entertaining, and if you know how it works, it makes perfect sense. For those of you who don't know how astrology works, let me clarify it for you: The astrologer makes shit up. This is a time-honored tradition, and you don't have to be too bright to do it. You just have to know who's the mark, and who's the astrologer. If you are paying for a chart, you're the mark. It's a simple game of playing the spread, as far as giving you a defining account of your personality. Your "Sun Sign" may be nothing like your personality, but wait! There's also your "Rising Sign," which will clarify things further. There's also your "Love Sign," "Stop Sign," "Closed Sign," and "'Signs', another crap movie with Mel Gibson." Any of these should have some aspects of your personality. Even if they don't, a wise astrologer, summing up her mark, will simply tell you that those signs that do not currently match your personality will "manifest in the fullness of time." See, all bases are covered.

The astrologers that were interviewed in our paper were a real hoot. It would be impossible to paraphrase the stupidity of these gits, so let me quote them (with the parenthetical, rhetorical italicized inserts being mine, of course)....

"It's impossible to discount Pluto. Pluto has a very powerful influence on every individual life and on the planet (what did you all do before 1930, then?!)," said Patricia St. James, 69, an astrologer who does psychic readings at Temecula's Lady of the Lake, a new-age gift store. "The way astrology is set up to be read, it's in a circle with the sun at the center and the planets go around the sun (thank fuck, you've actually heard of this thing called astronomy, then). In every individual's chart, there is a segment that is ruled by Pluto," she said. "If we take Pluto out of the equation, how are we going to read that chart?" (uh, the same way you did before 1930, or back in the day when astronomers only thought there were 5 planets?)

Another quote, from Lydia Hammond, 56, a therapeutic astrologer (don't ask me; I guess it sounds more impressive than "wack-job nut-case") in Riverside, said the new definition could have other consequences. "Geminis and Virgos share a planetary ruler, Mercury. Venus rules Libras and Tauruses. If there are more planets, each of those astrological signs could end up with their own planetary ruler. It could put astrology back on the map as an important science."

An important science? What the fuck? Is this the 13th century? And more planets? Are there more planets out there? Gee, I dunno. What do the stars tell you? If you want more planets for astrology, just make some up. Fuck's sake, just add in satellites, and tell people that the "stars" are beaming messages directly to their heads. That's where Lydia Hammond, therapeutic astrologer, is getting her information from. "Important science," my ass. These idiots should just join up with the Intelligent Design people, they obviously have the same level of education in math, science, and history. Just substitute "God" for "stars" and you have the exact same mumbo-jumbo.

I wonder how long it will be before the astrologers figure this out, and start demanding that our schools teach astrology during science class. Thanks a lot, International Astronomical Union. Fucking space cadets, the lot of you.

Fat Sparrow

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