Sunday, October 22, 2006

So many gifts, and it's not even Christmas

Apparently there are a whole lot of marks out there (Kav and Ill Man; oops, did I type that out loud?), and you all are just begging to be taken advantage of, much like women who wear mini-skirts and low-cut blouses.

Now, when I was a kid, I was the one taking advantage of the other kids, because (let's face it) kids are fucking dumb. I started practicing on my brother, early on. There were the usual games, like "Two For Flinching," which for those of you who don't know, is a game where you punch someone and if they flinch you get to hit them again.

Then there was "Okay Look," a fun little game for car rides in which you had to trick your opponent into looking at your hand as you made the "OK" sign. When they did, you punched them.

Then there was "I Can't Tell You're There, As I Have Rendered You Invisible." This one involved ignoring some kid (usually my ADHD brother) until they absolutely snapped, lost all control, and hit you. Then you got to yell for your mom, and they got spanked.

Before you go all "Awwwwww!" for my brother, let me tell you right now that he was a right twat, and his favorite game was "Get As Close As Possible, And Breathe All Over You." This was followed up by "Standing Up And Farting In Your Face While You Are Sitting On The Floor."

Using chemical warfare is always cheating, dammit.

The kids at school were right gifts, too. When I was in elementary school, the girls liked to dare each other to play "Bloody Mary." Now, this was nothing more than going in to the girls' bathroom, turning off the lights, and facing the mirror while chanting "Bloody Mary" three times. Supposedly, Bloody Mary would then come and get you, and you would be well fucked.

I upped the dares to bets for lunch money, and cleaned up from that pack of twats. There was nothing in that bathroom that could possibly be scarier than the smell, and if you could survive the door closing, and the concomitant lack of ventilation, it didn't really matter if the lights were on or off. To this day, I still cannot believe that something that dumb earned not only their respect, but their lunch money.

The teachers finally found out about it, as the lead girl upped the ante by demanding that I go in the boys' bathroom (gasps of horror all around), and the boys tattled on me, damn their small egos.

Speaking of boy's bathrooms, here's a handy little tip for you if you're ever at a concert or some venue where there's a line for the girls' bathrooms: Use the guys' bathrooms. There's never a line, and they never use the stalls. Unlike in elementary school, I have never had a guy complain about me using the men's. Quick, easy, and Bob's your uncle. I learned this one after going to the first Lollapalooza when I was 7 months pregnant, and I came down with a bladder infection while I was there. No, don't laugh yet, that wasn't the funny part. The funny part was me at Lollapalooza in a maternity dress.

Now, ladies, if you really want to freak them out, learn how to piss standing up, into a urinal. Of course, please make sure you wash your hands afterwards.

Of course it can be done! Didn't you girls ever go to summer camp?! Honestly, what do they teach kids nowadays? You don't even know you're born.

Fat Sparrow


ill man said...


Foot Eater said...

I've never understood how a heavily pregnant woman ever dares to take a leak. Aren't you always afraid your waters are breaking?

Anonymous said...

My favourite pasttime in a club is to jab the bladders of the sluts queueing for the toilets.

And like ill man said: Oi!!

Fat Sparrow said...

Ill Man -- Oy veh! My homie! Am I cool, or what?

Footie -- No, really, you went to med school? Do tell.

Yeah, I used to wonder about that myself, and then I had my water break. In bed. After I had taken the protective plastic cover off the mattress, because the Spouse Sparrow complained that it made the bed too hot. At 2 in the morning on Thanksgiving morning. When I was hosting Thanksgiving. Trust me, it's a huge gush, there is no mistaking it for pissing yourself.

Kav -- I'm going to tell your wife to flick your balls while you're sleeping. Two for flinching, fucker.

Anonymous said...

Hey, I only said I do it to the sluts. Makes me wonder why you took such offence...

Fat Sparrow said...

I was just defending yer ma.

ill man said...

I was wondering what the dig was about. Then I remembered the comment I left a few posts back. Sorry, haven't been myself lately.............

Fat Sparrow said...

S'alright, you have a good excuse. I thought picking on you would cheer you up. If I really love you, I'll break your arm, or something.

Old Knudsen said...

you must really love me then, though you never visited when you put me in hospital.

Fat Sparrow said...

I couldn't take the sight of your balls haning down past your hospital gown.

Did you like the flowers and hooker I sent? I hope so; that hooker cost me 5 quid. They throw in the flowers for free, to cover up the smell of the hooker.