Monday, August 14, 2006

Stick it in your ear hole!

I bought a box of Q-Tips the other day, or, as the Spouse Sparrow would call them, "ear buds," which is extremely confusing to dumb Americans like me. "Ear buds" are headphones, or that little thing from a cell phone, that goes in your ear, and is practically invisible, and makes it look like you are a well-dressed schizophrenic while you are talking on the phone. You think those stupid fucks are talking to you, since they are looking right at you, but no; they are talking on the phone.

I don't understand why my British husband cannot call them Q-Tips, even if they are generic, as he calls our vacuum a "Hoover," and it is not, in fact, a Hoover; it is a different brand entirely. He uses it as a noun and a verb, as in "Why don't you Hoover the living room, and quit playing with your stupid blog?" He obviously doesn't have any problem using brand names, but still, he will not say "Q-Tip."

The box of Q-Tips had very explicit instructions on the back, and I am not sure if these are new, or if they have been there all along. It was a warning, in large, bold letters: "DO NOT INSERT IN EAR CANAL!" That has got to be one of the dumbest things I have ever read.

I expressly bought these fuckers for the sole purpose of inserting them in my ear canal, and having a good root around in there, as I cannot stand having water in my ears after I get out of the shower. Everyone I know, or have ever heard of, buys them to stick them in their ear hole. Primitive peoples, like those wacky fuckers in that movie, "The Gods Must Be Crazy," who were not civilized enough to know that a Coke bottle is for masturbating with, even they would pick up a Q-Tip, look at it, and then promptly shove it in their ear. That is what Q-Tips are for, and it is very, very, obvious.

I cannot think why the Q-Tip box would have something so completely asinine as that on it, unless it has to do with lawyers, this being America and all. If that is the case, I have a suggestion for the lawyers on where they can insert their Q-Tips.

Fat Sparrow


Stephen Cree said...

I'm with your hubby on this one.
Hoover is not just a noun..
I hoover, you hoover, he hoovers, she hoovers, they hoover.
I hoovered, you get the picture.

Fat Sparrow said...

I still think that it sounds kinda dirty ("And then, on the first date, she Hoovered me!").

Lindstor said...

Fat Sparrow said...

Dude, at least give me a shout out for using my title!