Thursday, August 02, 2007

109 things you never wanted to know about me

Having been tagged by NiolK, and dared by Old Knudsen to take the Knudsen Challenge, I decided to combine them, and now you get....

109 things you never wanted to know about me!


1) I went partially blind for about a month when I was 11. The doctors never found out what caused it.

2) I really, really, really hate drug addicts. This may have something to do with me being married to one for 10 years.

3) I was always the shortest kid in my class, and I was also the youngest.

4) I started kindergarten when I was 4, and got kicked out within 12 weeks. I thought they had made a mistake and put me in the Special Ed class, so to be helpful, I went around doing all the other kids' classwork for them. The school board recommended to my parents that I be promoted to 3rd grade, and go to a special school for gifted kids at a local university. Instead, my parents put me in to a private religious school. Not that I am bitter.

5) My ex-husband used to tell me I had Flintstones feet. I prefer "Picasso feet," myself.

6) I had a nose ring back in 1988. It was a small gold hoop. No one else had nose rings back then. I took it out when everyone and their grandmother started getting them.

7) I met the Spouse Sparrow on an Internet discussion group, and immediately chatted him up and asked him to marry me. We were both married to other people at the time, and lived a half a world apart from each other. These turned out to be minor complications.

8) I love to sing, but usually I totally suck at it. When I win the Lottery, I am going to take voice lessons.

9) I once got thrown out of a nightclub at Disneyland for dancing "far too sexually" (their words, not mine) to "Blue Monday." I was dancing with my brother. We were trying to show a friend of mine just how it should be done. Definitely not the most embarrassing moment of my life, but certainly one of the more bizarre. And no, it was not "that kind of family."

10) I am a Sagittarius with Taurus rising.

11) My hair is about 40% white. No, not grey, white. I dye it red. Getting white hair early runs in the family; my mom and grandma both had completely white hair before they were out of high school. Mine didn't start 'til I married the Ex.

12) I don't like muscle-y men. I prefer the slack fucker body type. Think Simon Pegg in "Shaun of the Dead." I also like what the Spouse Sparrow calls "skinny dying fuckers," but they had better have enough of a belly for me to use as a pillow.

13) I like dark-haired, dark-eyed men. Think Dave Navarro from early Jane's Addiction. Yet I have managed to end up married to blondish/gingerish men, twice. Go figure.

14) The only reason I vote is so that I get complaining rights. I dislike and distrust all politicians, as they are professional dissemblers, and if there was a NOTA (None Of The Above) option on our ballots I would regularly use it.

15) That being said, I campaigned and voted for Ross Perot, because he is a crazy little fucker, and I respect that.

16) I would love to meet Ursula K. Le Guin before she carks it, although I have no idea what I would say to her.

17) I named my daughter (well, her middle name) after one of Ursula K. Le Guin's characters.

18) I met Ray Bradbury when I was 17. It was rather surreal. I was small and young and hot, and everyone else there was geeky and male, or older women schoolteachers. He was large and old and drunk. He autographed several books for me.

19) I know quite a lot about most of the world's religions, even the obscure ones.

20) I was an Anthro major/Psych minor.

21) I have known 3 people who had their doctorate in Poli Sci, and they all delivered pizza. That was after they had their doctorates, mind you.

22) I tend to be either incredibly cautious or stupidly rash. If it's something physical, I'm always incredibly cautious. Erm, unless it's sex.

23) I do not take physical pain very well. If I am in pain, everyone within hearing distance will know all about it.

24) I tend to be very loyal, but if you have fucked me over, all bets are off.

25) When I was 11, I only weighed 55 lbs.

26) By the time I was 12, I weighed 90 lbs. The difference was all tits and ass.

27) I have been married twice, and engaged three times. I broke off the engagement with that one I didn't marry, and I hope he never tracks me down. He was a cunt.

28) I am a hopeless romantic and an awful cynic.

29) Everyone in my high school used me as their agony aunt. I cannot believe how many girls thought that douching with Coke is an effective form of birth control.

30) Speaking of birth control, I am allergic to latex if it comes in contact with my mucous membranes, and I am allergic to spermicide, and the Sponge.

31) The Ex and I split up more times than I can remember before we finally got divorced. I haven't spoken to him in about 2 or 3 years now. I am so glad to be out of the constant drama and psych ward that is his life.

32) I have one tattoo. It is on my left butt-cheek. It is a blue rose and a red rose, with leaves, and a scroll with the Spouse Sparrow's name. Getting a tattoo was nowhere near as painful as I had thought it was going to be. Compared to giving birth, it was a piece of piss.

33) I have done many different kinds of drugs, and I can take them or leave them. I have a hard time understanding how people get addicted.

34) Ditto with cigarettes. I quit cold turkey when the Spouse Sparrow asked me too, and have never had a problem.

35) That being said, if someone offers me free food I will jump at the chance. Even if it's crap food.

36) I was date raped when I was 13, and that's how I lost my virginity. I don't recommend it, even as a conversation piece.

37) Yes, I have issues. Many, many issues.

38) I carry an umbrella with me when I'm out, because I am pale and can get a very bad sunburn in less than 10 minutes.

39) My grandmother was Cherokee, and my grandad was a mix of a couple of different tribes. Not that you could tell by looking at me. White bread all around; I take after my dad's side, mainly. The Native American's on my mom's side.

40) I always laugh when I hear Prince Charles or the Queen speaking on television, because they look like my Okie relatives, and so I expect them to sound like my Okie relatives.

41) Black people with British accents also make me laugh. No matter how many times I hear it, it's still unexpected.

42) I have a love/hate relationship with Disney movies.

43) I fucking well love all the "Harry Potter" books, and would happily go off to live in that 'verse. I don't want to hear any of you Muggle cunts giving out about it either, or I will kick your shit in.

44) I'm a lot like Hermione, but fucked in the head.

45) I was really into Hinduism for a while (see #6), and I love saris and bangles and Indian music and all of that.

46) Unfortunately it dawned on me that I would never fit in, a) because I was white, and b) because while I was able to abstain from eating meat during the summertime, once Thanksgiving came around I became a ravenous carnivore. Plus I have no compunctions about squashing bugs mercilessly. Fuck, if I was a cockroach, I'd want someone to put me out of my misery.

47) I don't watch much TV, never have. I was in to "Twin Peaks," "X-Files," "Buffy," "Angel," "Futurama," "Firefly," and now "House," "Battlestar Galactica," and "Dr. Who." We don't get BBC America, though, so no "Torchwood" for me.

48) I thought Christopher Eccleston was pretty good as the Doctor. I don't much care for David Tennant as the Doctor. The Spouse Sparrow says I'm not allowed an opinion, as I'm a bloody Yank.

49) I love Jane Austen. I saw "Pride and Prejudice" recently, and it really chapped my thighs. Stick to the fucking book, you twats. There's a reason it's a classic.

50) I saw "The Virgin Queen" on Masterpiece Theater, and got the hots for Tom Hardy. I don't know what the fuck I was thinking. He was in some awful movie on the Sci Fi channel that the Spouse Sparrow was watching, called "Minotaur." That really helped put me off him.

51) I used to have the hots for Ben Stein and Dave Navarro. I know, there's no accounting for taste. The Spouse Sparrow bugged me so much about Ben Stein that I went off him. I went off Dave Navarro when he hooked up with Carmen Electra.

52) The Spouse Sparrow is very jealous, and gets a perverse pleasure in making me go off my Honeys. He has been trying to convince me for years now that Hugh Laurie is gay. He doesn't seem to get it; I don't care if Hugh Laurie is gay, I have the hots for House, not Hugh Laurie. The Spouse Sparrow doesn't give me shit about liking Jason Bourne or Spike from Buffy, as I secretly suspect that he would do them, too.

53) I am a flirter. I don't even realize I'm doing it. I've tried to rein it in, as men seem to think that it means that they're getting somewhere. In fact, nothing could be further from the truth. If you think I'm chatting you up, I am so not hot for you. If I was hot for you, I would be all tongue-tied and shy and doofus-y. If you're getting my full-wattage charm, you don't stand a chance of getting the ride. Er, Spouse Sparrow excepted. He was the only one.

54) I never pick up on it when men are hitting on me. They have to be really blunt about it and tell me "I like you and I want to fuck you." So shy, subtle men need not apply. Not that I am taking applications.

55) I am attracted to brainy men but I have found that they cannot fuck. The Spouse Sparrow is my perfect combination of brains and rough trade, my bad boy with a heart of gold.

56) The Spouse Sparrow had a dog that had my mom's name, and I had a dog with his mom's name.

57) I have this need, deep down, to fit in with some kind of group, but I have never been able to find them. Then again, I hate fucking groups and I hate people.

58) I am built for gymnastics and not ballet. I wish I was built for ballet. I can do ballet, but not gymnastics. I am not limber.

59) I am a klutz, and have been one all my life. There's a reason my parents didn't name me "Grace." I trip over invisible objects. I do much better if I walk barefoot. I used to go barefoot all the time when I was a teenager, and the soles of my feet got to be about a half-inch thick. I could walk over a long, long stretch of asphalt when it was well over 100 degrees out, and not feel the heat through my feet. I used to get detention every day in 10th grade for going to school barefoot.

60) One time when I was in high school I walked out of the locker room after P.E. class with my dress tucked in to my nylons and my knickers showing. No one told me and I didn't realize until I went to my next class and sat down on a cold seat. Nobody bothered to make fun of me, because they knew I wouldn't care, anyway. They still should have told me, the cunts.

61) I wear bi-focals. I've worn bi-focals since 9th grade. Some people take them as a sign of getting old and won't wear them, but that's just stupid, as they're damn handy. It was really inconvenient having to take off my reading glasses to look at the board, and then put them back on to copy the notes from the board, and then take them off, and them put them on, ad infinitum, so I told my eye doctor I wanted bi-focals.

62) I thought I would deal with aging really well, but now that it's creeping up on me I find that I am not. Still, no one in our family looks their age, and people who meet me in real life don't think I'm as old as I am.

63) I love Volvos. I miss my Volvo.

64) I love RVs. I am fanatical about RVs. I favor Class C motorhomes, but I am well versed in the ins-and-outs of Class A's, Class B's, Fifth Wheels, Toy Haulers, Vacation Trailers, Travel Trailers, Tent Trailers, Vintage Trailers, Pop-Up Trailers.... You get the idea.

65) I am a flake and a procrastinator. I mean well, and I get fits of energy and start a million projects, and there they sit, years later.

66) I have a very small birthmark on my right cheek. It's a reddish-pinkish dot. My mom has it and my grandma had it, too. It pissed me off because in some school photos, they airbrushed it out, thinking it was a zit, and I am strangely proud of my birthmark.

67) My parents both worked full time, and mom had to return to work 6 weeks after I was born, so my Great-Aunt took care of me. I was with her for about twelve hours a day, and she was wonderful. I used to feel guilty because I loved her more than my mom, and when I was a kid, I thought I might go to Hell because I loved her more than my mom. Auntie died a few years ago, and I still miss her terribly.

68) I miss my Grandma, too. She died 11 years ago, and I still haven't gotten over it. I was there with her when she died. I still get teary-eyed when I think about her.

69) I don't see much point in 69. Neither party can concentrate properly.

70) I had my first orgasm when I was ten years old. I multiple orgasm very easily. My record's 37, but that was on my own.

71) I would like to go on a cruise, just for the all-you-can-eat lobster and buffet.

72) I'm not a big drinker. I do not like to get drunk, and will stop drinking long before that point. I like wine, especially mead, and Midori Sours, 7 and 7's, and that's about it. I like having Bloody Marys at home, but I don't order them when we go out, as very few places have good Bloody Marys. The Spouse Sparrow and I went all through Vegas without finding one single place that had a decent Bloody Mary. Caesar's Palace came the closest, but was still piss poor, and Excalibur was the absolute worst. I can't drink tequila at all. It comes back up as soon as it goes in.

73) I used to be very in to Ren Faire. That's the Renaissance Faire, for you tourists. I dressed as a respectable peasant-type. Peasants have more fun, as we can sit on the grass and show more cleavage than the middle- and upper-classes. Cleavage is something I have a lot of, and I would put it to good use at Faire. I can just set my plate on top of it when I'm eating, and it's useful for me to take a nap on, too. Huzzah!

74) Some of my favorite movies are "Shaun of the Dead," "The Mosquito Coast," "The Year of Living Dangerously," "Lost in Translation," and "Until the End of the World."

75) I just saw "Marie Antoinette," and I am now convinced that Sofia Coppola could shoot film of someone having a shite, add a soundtrack, and I would fucking well love it. It does crack me up to hear her give direction or interviews, though, as she is so, like, um, non-communicative in a Valley Girl kind of way. How on earth does she get the actors to do what she says? How the fuck can they tell what she wants? It's all very strange.

76) I laugh at fart jokes, and am impressed by comic timing. The other night, we were putting the Nestling Sparrow to bed in his crib, and I kissed him and asked him if he needed anything else, and then turned to go. He said "Wait, I forgot something!" and then ripped off a really long fart. I laughed so hard I cried. I have high hopes for him.

77) I myself do not fart. Okay, it's kind of like that "If a tree falls in the forest, and no one's around, does it make a sound" kind of thing. But still, I fart very rarely. I read that the average person farts about 15 times a day, and I can go days without farting.

78) People always describe me as "cute." Not pretty, not beautiful, not striking, not stunning, but "cute." God must have a sense of humour, giving me a cunning and twisted interior, and a "cute" exterior, the fucker.

79) My high school yearbook is filled with "You're so sweet, don't ever change!" No, they didn't know me very well.

80) I bitch and moan about being called "cute" and "sweet," but let me tell you, you can get away with a lot if you look innocent and no one thinks to suspect you. Oh yeah.

81) I have naturally curly hair. If I get out of the shower, and scrunch it slightly, it will go in to perfect corkscrew curls.

82) It really pissed me off when "The Breakfast Club" came out, because I had red, curly hair, in a semi-bob just like Molly Ringwald did, and I DID NOT COPY HER, SHE COPIED ME, dammit. Fuck that pissed me off to have people thinking I copied her. That was probably why I started having it straightened and went blonde.

83) I dislike most types of music. That being said, there could be all kinds of new stuff out there that I like, and I'd never know, because I can't afford CD's and I can't stand listening to the radio or watching videos. I just don't have the patience.

84) The phrase that comes to my mind a lot lately is Danny Glover's, from "Lethal Weapon": "I'm too old for this shit."

85) My whole life, everyone keeps telling me to write and get published, but I know my own limitations and I really have nothing to say. I think I would enjoy being a ghost writer.

86) I admire Rose Wilder Lane, who ghost wrote the "Little House" books for her mother, Laura Ingalls Wilder. Rose led a very interesting life, and she's an excellent writer. I identify with her a lot.

87) Speaking of roses, if I'm not wearing Paloma Picasso perfume, I'm wearing rose oil as a perfume. I love roses.

88) I'm not too sure about men giving me flowers. I like the idea, and it's very romantic, but my ex-fiance used to give me flowers. I thought it was just because he loved me. I finally sussed out that he gave me flowers every time he cheated on me. He gave me a lot of flowers.

89) I am the type of woman that would appreciate home appliances or power tools for her birthday, anniversary, etc.

90) My dad was an engineer, mechanic, and all-around handyman type, and I always wanted to learn. Whenever I tried to get him to teach me things, he would tell me to go help my mother, and then he would make my brother come out to help. I finally learned to just not talk, stay on the sidelines, and learn by observing. I don't know why my dad was like that with me, as I was his favorite kid, and he definitely didn't think that chores or tasks fell along male/female lines. Years later, I'm still puzzling over that one.

91) I really miss being able to afford sushi and sashimi. I love Japanese food.

92) I have no idea what the hell I'm going to do with the rest of my life. I'm not doing anything with it now.

93) I like to play Pente. I've been playing it since 1984. It's kind of like Go. I'm pretty good at it.

94) I hate all sports, and know absolutely nothing about them. Thank God, the Spouse Sparrow is the same. I couldn't stand being married to someone who's in to sports.

95) I like archery, and I used to be really good at it. No, that doesn't count as a sport.

96) I love horses, and used to go over to my friend's grandparents' house every day to take care of their ponies, cows, chickens, and goats. I used to try to convince my parents to turn the garage into a stable so I could have a horse. I can milk cows and goats, candle eggs, trim hoofs, and do all that farm-type stuff. All of this in spite of being allergic to hay, and breaking out in large welty hives every time I touched it.

97) I am a keyboard pounder. I took typing for two years in 7th and 8th grade, and we learned on old manual typewriters. According to the Spouse Sparrow, I still sound like I'm on a manual typewriter.

98) My taste in decorating is fairly eclectic. It's like if a Cost Plus World Market truck and an Ikea truck collided and then crashed in to a Victorian library that someone was holding a rummage sale in. Most of my living room is bookcases, which are crammed to the gills. I need more bookcases, but there's no room. I don't like having my neighbors over because they ask dumb questions like "Have you read all of those?" Of course, these are people who don't own any books, or if they do own a book, it's the Bible.

99) I love "The Twilight Zone," and my favorite episode is "Little Girl Lost," that one where the girl falls out of bed and in to another dimension and the parents barely find her in time. I still get chills when I watch it. And I still cringe over that one where Burgess Meredith's glasses break, poor git.

100) I like shiny glass things. When I was 1, my mother tells me I bit into a glass ball ornament for our Christmas tree, even though I knew better. They rushed me to the hospital and I was just fine.

101) I hate to cook. Love to eat, hate to cook. I mean, I can do it and all, and fancy stuff, too, it's just that I consider it a pain in the arse. I'd much rather go out to a restaurant.

102) I hate doing dishes, too, but I'm always the one that does them, because I'm really, really anal about the dishes getting clean. I wash the dishes before they are put in the dishwasher, and I consider the dishwasher to be an autoclave. My ex-in-laws used to not even rinse the dishes before they put them in the dishwasher, and they used cold water for the dishwasher, and barely any soap, and then they let them air dry. When they took the dishes out of the dishwasher, they would just flick off the bits of dried food that were left on, and then put the dishes away. And they wondered why I didn't want to eat there.

103) I am a wanna-be artist, and used to dabble with charcoals and also with pen and ink over watercolors.

104) I suck at math. I used to ditch my math class in 9th grade to go and sit in on my friend's physics class, and then I would discuss theoretical quantum physics with the teacher. He thought I was brilliant until he realized that I wasn't on his roll list and that I had flunked Algebra I. Oh well. I ditched Algebra because my teacher was an asshole who liked to brush up against my tits while he was "helping" me, and he called his T.A.'s "Bimbo 1" and "Bimbo 2." He was also the football coach. I tried reporting him, but sexual harrassment was not a concept back then, and my counselor told me I was imagining things.

105) The only bone I have ever broken is one of my ribs. I originally broke it during a coughing fit one of the many times I had pneumonia and bronchitis, and then I broke it again during sex with the ex-fiance.

106) I started out left-handed, and was trained to write with my right hand. I still get my left and my right mixed up. Up until the time I was an adult, I could write with either hand, as long as it was print and not cursive.

107) I have no sense of direction. Wait, I do have a sense of direction, but it's the wrong one. Whenever I'm really, really sure that something is this way, it is sure to be the opposite way. I have often wondered if that has to do with that right/left mixup thing I have.

108) I am a very fast reader. And I can read upside down or backwards writing faster than most people can read regular writing. I also invented my own phonetic alphabet, that was based on the English language, when I was about 12, so that I could write in code. I had a nosey brother.

109) I have not forgotten about your tag, Devin, this one was just easier and is buying me some time, as I am a slack fucker.

Fat Sparrow

42 comments:

nonny said...

36 - Thats terrible sweetie I hope the bastard ws hunted down.

Medbh said...

WOW, Fat Sparrow. That's one impressive list!
#4- Your parents robbed you blind of the education for gifted children you were so clearly deserving.
#7--How romantic!
12-- I love the skinny dudes as well. The whole big muscle thing is too narcissistic for me.
21--I'll be delivering pizzas with my Ph.D. soon.
36--I'm speechless and soooo sorry to hear that you had to suffer that. My sympathies.

Kick ass Meme.

Xmichra said...

Well, that was interesting for a first read!!!

"I have this need, deep down, to fit in with some kind of group, but I have never been able to find them. Then again, I hate fucking groups and I hate people."

Yes indeed, i so understand that. lol!

The Little Cheese said...

Ha ha! I am spot on with you when it comes to 53... in fact, it has got me into trouble a couple of times, and got me nowhere many times!

Manuel said...

Tomorrow honest, too shattered to read right now, slack fucker you know....

xl said...

Whew, great list!

#57 Reminded me of a quote by Molly Shannon's character in Year Of The Dog, "It's nice to have a word that can describe you. I've never had that before."

Eddie Waring said...

You missed #110 - You secretly want to run away with Eddie Waring and start a farm growing mostly Brussels Sprouts.

Grump said...

Now I know why I like you there are many similarities with my partner. Who is an Aussie and I'm a weedy pommie [limey] like spouse sparrow.
Thats where the similarities end. If only we could all have such honesty.
Cheers z

Conortje said...

What a wonderful post. I feel as if I've known you forever now - so I'm coming around for christmas. I particularly identify with no. 57

Pink Drama said...

dang, girl. so, if you're allergic to the most common forms of birth control, how come you don't have like 15 kids?

when i have the time i will re-read this.

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

Sparrow! I am so happy you are back! You crack me up -

"I don't like muscle-y men. I prefer the slack fucker body type. Think Simon Pegg in "Shaun of the Dead." I also like what the Spouse Sparrow calls "skinny dying fuckers," but they had better have enough of a belly for me to use as a pillow."

I know what you mean - I am always attracted to these sort of chaps, despite my knowing that they are not good for me. I want to be attracted to the big strong silent type, instead I end up with Skinny McSkinnyson. Must be a genetic predisposition with us.

whyioughtta said...

Ursula K. LeGuin ROCKS. I just finished The Lathe of Heaven. It took me months to find a copy and just over a day to devour it.

Great list! We have lots in common, from the red hair/flammable skin to the useless archery skills...

fatmammycat said...

Jaysus. Cracking post, but Jaysus.
Clippity clap.

Mairéad said...

Thank-you for sharing that. Some funny, some very poignant. All riveting to read. No wonder you've got issues, girl.

Foot Eater said...

This is the first '100 (plus) things' list I've encountered that actually looks funny and worth reading.

My answer to the medical conundrum posed by your first 'thing' is wanking.

Now I'll read number two, and shall respond to that, and so on.

Foot Eater said...

You, ah...




You broke a rib during sex?


I need to live a little.

Fat Sparrow said...

Nonny -- "36 - Thats terrible sweetie I hope the bastard ws hunted down."

Nah. I never told anyone about it 'til I was in my mid-twenties. Didn't even tell my parents 'til I was in my mid-thirties. Sexual harassment and date rape weren't terms that were bandied around back in 1983, and so I was ashamed.

Medbh -- "WOW, Fat Sparrow. That's one impressive list!"

I'm amazed anyone read it through, quite frankly.

"#4- Your parents robbed you blind of the education for gifted children you were so clearly deserving."

Eh, they meant well.

"#7--How romantic!"

'Twas, very. It was one of those things where I smacked myself upside the head and said "Damn you, Self, why did you think you would never find your soul mate?! Here he is, and here you are married to a wanker!" I guess that ties in with # 28.

"12-- I love the skinny dudes as well. The whole big muscle thing is too narcissistic for me."

Yup. But I'm not fond of the kind-of muscle-y guys, either. I keep telling the Spouse Sparrow to stop working out, dammit.

"21--I'll be delivering pizzas with my Ph.D. soon."

Yeah, but I imagine that you'll be doing something with your Ph.D., though, too. The stoners I'm talking about never did.

"36--I'm speechless and soooo sorry to hear that you had to suffer that. My sympathies."

Yeah, it sucked. Years of self-examination and talking with the Spouse Sparrow helped a lot. Part of me still blames myself for putting myself into the situation where it happened, to begin with. If only I had listened to my parents.

"Kick ass Meme."

Thank you!

Xmichra -- "Well, that was interesting for a first read!!!"

Oh God, what a thing to slog through on your first visit! Check out the "New to the Sparrow's Nest?" section on my sidebar, it's much more worthwhile.

"Yes indeed, i so understand that. lol!"

That one rang a bell with a few people, it seems.

TLC -- "Ha ha! I am spot on with you when it comes to 53... in fact, it has got me into trouble a couple of times, and got me nowhere many times!"

It's a stupid thing, isn't it? So much for evolution.

Manuel -- "Tomorrow honest, too shattered to read right now, slack fucker you know...."

Not a problem. Don't tell anyone, but I didn't read it, either.

XL -- "Whew, great list!"

Thank you!

"#57 Reminded me of a quote by Molly Shannon's character in Year Of The Dog, "It's nice to have a word that can describe you. I've never had that before."

I haven't seen that; I might have to check it out.

Eddie -- "You missed #110 - You secretly want to run away with Eddie Waring and start a farm growing mostly Brussels Sprouts."

But see, these were supposed to be things that people didn't know about me. Everyone already knows that one.

Grump -- "Now I know why I like you there are many similarities with my partner. Who is an Aussie and I'm a weedy pommie [limey] like spouse sparrow. Thats where the similarities end. If only we could all have such honesty. Cheers z"

I had a good laugh there, but sorry, the Spouse Sparrow is Scots Irish, from Northern Ireland and Scotland. And he's definitely not weedy, which is why he slags me off for liking the skinny dying fuckers.

And I'm not sure I'd recommend my brand of honesty for everyone. I'm stupid honest, the kind of person where if you ask me what I think, I'll tell you. You know... "Does this make my butt look big?" "Your butt's big, anyway. But those jeans certainly aren't helping." Everyone who knows me is familiar with my mantra: Don't ask if you don't want to know.

Conortje -- "What a wonderful post. I feel as if I've known you forever now - so I'm coming around for christmas."

Excellent. Considering # 101, you won't be expecting much, right?

"I particularly identify with no. 57"

I'm surprised. You strike me as the type of person that can fit in anywhere. Is it that you feel that they don't know the real you?

PD -- "dang, girl. so, if you're allergic to the most common forms of birth control, how come you don't have like 15 kids?"

I ate them.

No, really, I'm on the Pill, and condoms are available in other things than latex. That being said, I was on the Pill and using a non-latex condom when I got pregnant with the Fledgling Sparrow. Turns out non-latex condoms have a higher failure rate, and back in the day they didn't know that antibiotics (which I was on at the time) can interfere with the Pill. About a year after I gave birth, they sussed it out and now women are warned about it if they're on the Pill and taking antibiotics.

"when i have the time i will re-read this."

You masochist.

Mermaid -- "Sparrow! I am so happy you are back!"

I am trying to get stuff done around the house, really, but apparently I'm addicted to blogs.

"You crack me up -

"I don't like muscle-y men. I prefer the slack fucker body type. Think Simon Pegg in "Shaun of the Dead." I also like what the Spouse Sparrow calls "skinny dying fuckers," but they had better have enough of a belly for me to use as a pillow."

I know what you mean - I am always attracted to these sort of chaps, despite my knowing that they are not good for me. I want to be attracted to the big strong silent type, instead I end up with Skinny McSkinnyson. Must be a genetic predisposition with us.
"

It must be. I remember my very first one (I was 3), it was Davey Jones from "The Monkees," so that managed to combine # 12 and # 13.

The big strong silent types tend to be a bit boring, don't you think? Although since the Spouse Sparrow talks non-stop, silent wouldn't be too bad, sometimes. He's relatively big and strong, though, so that part is good.

Whyioughtta -- "Ursula K. LeGuin ROCKS. I just finished The Lathe of Heaven. It took me months to find a copy and just over a day to devour it."

"Lathe" is valid, but not one of my faves. I have to wonder how much Philip K. Dick she was reading when she wrote it, you know? I mean, I love Philip K. Dick, too, but "Lathe" seems somewhat derivative. I'm quite fond of "The Dispossessed," and "The Ones Who Walk Away From Omelas" is a brilliant short story. Have you read "The Language of the Night?" If you ever get really bored, you can always e-mail me and we can hash over UKL in our own private little club. Oh, and if you go to UKL's official site, and go to the bottom where it says "Bookshelf," you'll find the link for Powell's, which specializes in out of print and hard to find UKL. They're there in Portland with UKL, and have her offical endorsement. She does talks and signings there sometimes, too.

"Great list! We have lots in common, from the red hair/flammable skin to the useless archery skills..."

Thanks! As long as it's a cloudy day, we'll be able to defend the castle.

FMC -- "Jaysus. Cracking post, but Jaysus.
Clippity clap.
"

Sorry, it's a bit long, I know. Blame Old Knudsen - he dared me.

Mairéad -- "Thank-you for sharing that. Some funny, some very poignant. All riveting to read. No wonder you've got issues, girl."

That pretty much sums it up. Thanks!

Footie -- "This is the first '100 (plus) things' list I've encountered that actually looks funny and worth reading."

Thanks. Considering the freak show that is me, I thought I could probably dredge a few things up.

"My answer to the medical conundrum posed by your first 'thing' is wanking."

You know, considering # 70, you're probably right, now that I come (ooohhh!) to think of it.

"Now I'll read number two, and shall respond to that, and so on."

Oh this should be good....

Footie -- "You, ah... You broke a rib during sex?"

I did. Didn't notice it at the time, but it hurt like a mofo after. Took about a year to heal, probably due to getting cracked open repeatedly while getting sexed up.

"I need to live a little."

Bit late now, considering and all....

Cheer up, though; in a few years you can have a mid-life crisis and buy a Jag and a flat cap.

badgerdaddy said...

Fucking hell. That was my first visit here too. I feel like I'm your son and this is a death-bed confession.

Well, maybe not.

And you know what the only thing I was thinking when I got to the end of the list was? 'That Burgess Meredith episode if my favourite Twilight Zone episode ever!'

*sigh* I should have sat and thought before commenting, shouldn't I?

Mairéad said...

P.S. Go you on number 70! I've been thinking about that one all day!!! Wow! Wow! and er Wow! Good on 'ya!

Fat Sparrow said...

Badgerdaddy -- "Fucking hell. That was my first visit here too. I feel like I'm your son and this is a death-bed confession."

Jesus, I can't believe you Sparrow virgins slogged through that.

"Well, maybe not."

Definitely not. I only put up the tame stuff.

"And you know what the only thing I was thinking when I got to the end of the list was? 'That Burgess Meredith episode if my favourite Twilight Zone episode ever!' "

Well, see, it had something for everyone.

"*sigh* I should have sat and thought before commenting, shouldn't I?"

Nah, why bother? I don't.

Mairéad -- "P.S. Go you on number 70! I've been thinking about that one all day!!! Wow! Wow! and er Wow! Good on 'ya!"

Well, to be fair, that was in my younger years. I haven't tried for that record in some time. Having a sprog in a crib right next to my bed tends to cramp my style.

Johnny Londis said...

Longest fucking blog post I have ever read.*

(That's a compliment)

*Made even longer by reading #70 about a dozen times.

Fearfink said...

Happier Sparrow ? Seems to me you have taken time to consider a few things and talk much more... fondly of Spouse than of late. Again, can relate.

Very clever, introspective, sharply analytic, self effacing, troubled-yet-ultimately-accepting-about-this-thing-called-life Sparrow. There definitely are benefits to getting older re. putting space and time between you and *stuff* aren't there...

You're now very well entrenched on my imaginary ideal dinner party list of invitees.

Xul said...

Holy shit, FS! We have WAY too much in common! Scary...YEESH!

EmmaK said...

I am a hopeless romantic and an awful cynic.
Oh Sparrow, I am exactly the same.

As for the latex allergy, have you ever thought of having the Spouse Sparrow's nuts severed (I believe it is called a vastectomy!) My husband had his done recently and it was the best thing we ever did.

Grump said...

Did I say I was a weedy pommie. Gee I do lie. Been a builder most of my life can lift cars with one hand tied behind my back and down a pot of bear at the same time. I swear in my sleep and brag all day with out taking breath. As to the missus yep just like you. I think it supposed to be a star sign thingy. The mouth goes off before the brain and small talk is rarely dispensed.
Woof x

Manuel said...

70) I had my first orgasm when I was ten years old. I multiple orgasm very easily. My record's 37, but that was on my own.

Sweet baby Jesus me too!

One of us is lying....

laughykate said...

78. God's must have been going through a phase of doing that...he threw in the short bit with me and that left handedness thing too. Still have no clue which is left and which is right. One of them always is.

Fat Sparrow said...

Johnny Londis -- "Longest fucking blog post I have ever read.*

(That's a compliment)
"

Thanks! I am amazed anyone read it all the way through. If you did, nominate yourself for an award.

"*Made even longer by reading #70 about a dozen times."

Do you think there's a "Guinness Book" category for that? Er, not the reading, the doing....

Fearfink -- "Happier Sparrow ? Seems to me you have taken time to consider a few things and talk much more... fondly of Spouse than of late. Again, can relate."

We had a, um, ahem, a "talk."

"Very clever, introspective, sharply analytic, self effacing, troubled-yet-ultimately-accepting-about-this-thing-called-life Sparrow. There definitely are benefits to getting older re. putting space and time between you and *stuff* aren't there..."

Yeah, but having a perky bod was nice, too.... I think it's a case of "If I knew then what I knew now, I'd rule the world, muwhahahaha!"

"You're now very well entrenched on my imaginary ideal dinner party list of invitees."

You had me at "dinner."

Seriously, though, ditto.

Xul -- "Holy shit, FS! We have WAY too much in common! Scary...YEESH!"

Great minds think alike, huh?

Grump -- "Did I say I was a weedy pommie. Gee I do lie. Been a builder most of my life can lift cars with one hand tied behind my back and down a pot of bear at the same time. I swear in my sleep and brag all day with out taking breath."

Did you forget the part about your 12-inch penis, or were you saving that for later (ooh er, missus)?

"As to the missus yep just like you. I think it supposed to be a star sign thingy. The mouth goes off before the brain and small talk is rarely dispensed.
Woof x
"

I believe that would be the well-known Sagittarius "Open mouth, insert foot" trait.

Manuel -- "70) I had my first orgasm when I was ten years old. I multiple orgasm very easily. My record's 37, but that was on my own.

Sweet baby Jesus me too!

One of us is lying....
"

Lying? You bad boy. Go straight to Hell, do not pass Go, do not collect $200.

LaughyKate -- "78. God's must have been going through a phase of doing that...he threw in the short bit with me and that left handedness thing too. Still have no clue which is left and which is right. One of them always is."

Do people tell you "No, your other right/left"? I get that a lot.

And then there's the thing where the Spouse Sparrow, who used to be in the army, will tell me "Take a look: 3 o'clock" and I'll look at my watch and think "No, it's only 12:30" while he shakes his head sadly.

laughykate said...

And I get the one where people say, 'Put your finger and thumb at right angles. The one that makes the L is the left.' But that always takes me ages and by that time we've missed the turn. I have one friend who has got me sorted - he just refers to 'my way' and 'your way'. Apart from that, the only other way I can tell is that I have a mole on my index finger of my.....pause to glance...left hand. But she's fading fast and once its gone, I'm screwed.

First Nations said...

Semeles Necklace is one of my favorites. LeGuin is one of my heroes...she can say more and make the reader see more in fewer words than any other writer. Every sentence is a gem. I have a signed copy of The Compass Rose!!!

Fearfink said...

Yes, we need to have one of those...

First anniversary plus my birthday last week (same day) went unmarked by card or present. Way way way not good enough, still smarting. Can remember to buy beer and grass but not a cunting card. He's got the rest of his life to regret that one !! Or until I'm too bored...

Fat Sparrow said...

EmmaK -- Sorry, I was in a rush to get out the door, and didn't mean to overlook you!

"I am a hopeless romantic and an awful cynic.
Oh Sparrow, I am exactly the same.
"

Sucky combination, isn't it? I mean, we want to believe, buuuut...

"As for the latex allergy, have you ever thought of having the Spouse Sparrow's nuts severed (I believe it is called a vastectomy!) My husband had his done recently and it was the best thing we ever did."

Yeah, we considered a vasectomy, but since we're married and all we don't use condoms anyway, and because of my migraines, I have to be on the Pill anyway so I can skip Aunt Flo's visit, as the migraines are linked to my monthly cycle. Plus, if we won the Lottery, we'd want more kids. The Spouse Sparrow is a really good hands-on dad, so I just have to birth 'em.

Fat Sparrow said...

LaughyKate -- "And I get the one where people say, 'Put your finger and thumb at right angles. The one that makes the L is the left.' But that always takes me ages and by that time we've missed the turn."

Yeah, and duh, do these people not realize that we (okay, me, at least) probably had trouble telling which way our letters were supposed to face, especially if we did mirror writing? Luckily I can flip people off with either hand, and it's the same either way.

"I have one friend who has got me sorted - he just refers to 'my way' and 'your way'."

Now that is a smart and useful friend.

"Apart from that, the only other way I can tell is that I have a mole on my index finger of my.....pause to glance...left hand. But she's fading fast and once its gone, I'm screwed."

My mom used to have to tie a string around my wrist so I'd know which hand to put over my heart for The Pledge of Allegiance.

FN -- "Semeles Necklace is one of my favorites. LeGuin is one of my heroes...she can say more and make the reader see more in fewer words than any other writer. Every sentence is a gem."

She's brilliant, isn't she? And her childhood was just so very interesting. She was so lucky to have grown up with the parents that she did.

"I have a signed copy of The Compass Rose!!!"

Oh you bitch, that is one of my favorites. Have you met her at a signing, then?

Fearfink -- "Yes, we need to have one of those...

First anniversary plus my birthday last week (same day) went unmarked by card or present. Way way way not good enough, still smarting. Can remember to buy beer and grass but not a cunting card. He's got the rest of his life to regret that one !! Or until I'm too bored...
"

Oooohhhh, that is not good. The Ex used to buy me birthday presents that he liked (e.g., Van Halen CD, etc.) and then appropriate them when I turned my nose up at them. Strangely enough he never forgot a birthday or anniversary.

The Spouse Sparrow's very thoughtful about all that kind of stuff and creative, too. We don't have money for presents or cards, but he's quite the artist and always makes me a card, and has the kids make me cards, too. Some of the stuff he's done is really brilliantly funny, and the other stuff is very sweetly sentimental and I get all teary-eyed. Of course, if I buy him a card, he immediately flips it over, looks at the price, and says "That's half a six-pack, you know."

Happy belated birthday and anniversary. Hang in there, or if you need help disposing a body, e-mail me.

gimme a minute said...

You were faking number one, weren't you? Oh yes, you were. Even if you don't know it, you were.

I know this because I faked paraplegia for two days when I was eleven. I do not have your resolve and commitment.

Ya big fakey pants.

Fat Sparrow said...

Gimme -- "You were faking number one, weren't you? Oh yes, you were. Even if you don't know it, you were."

I was not faking, and I will have you know that I was very upset about it, as I am an avid reader, and I couldn't see well enough to read for about 3 months after. I could see light and shadows and shapes, and that was it.

"I know this because I faked paraplegia for two days when I was eleven. I do not have your resolve and commitment."

What gave you away, your big stiffie when yer ma walked in to the room, ya big bulgey pants?

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

Sparrow - or as we say, Sparrer! I know what you mean about Davey from the Monkees. I wish he could have handled me like that tambourine - a bit of shaking and a lot of banging.

Just re-read your post and found this gem -

"I laugh at fart jokes, and am impressed by comic timing. The other night, we were putting the Nestling Sparrow to bed in his crib, and I kissed him and asked him if he needed anything else, and then turned to go. He said "Wait, I forgot something!" and then ripped off a really long fart. I laughed so hard I cried. I have high hopes for him."

I love it! What a wonderful child genius! Farting is just hilarious and I think you are missing out if you don't fart yourself.

Conan Drumm said...

Truly ye have gone up the mountain and found us the Book of fat Sparrow. Was there a burning bush there (to account for no. 70)?

That reprobate Niolk has 'tagged' me too so I'm going to have to invent some truths of me own now.

savannah said...

come home to momma, sugar! :) jaysus, sweetie!

Manuel said...

Seriously though some of that is pretty brave stuff to write. Big balls on them Sparrows...

Fat Sparrow said...

Mermaid -- "Sparrow - or as we say, Sparrer! I know what you mean about Davey from the Monkees. I wish he could have handled me like that tambourine - a bit of shaking and a lot of banging."

Hahaha, I love it, and may steal it.

"I love it! What a wonderful child genius! Farting is just hilarious and I think you are missing out if you don't fart yourself."

Since I was semi-alone, I ripped one off just for you. I thought I got away with it, but then the Nestling Sparrow piped up with "Say 'excuse me', Mama!" I thought he was completely absorbed in watching "SpongeBob."

Conan -- "Truly ye have gone up the mountain and found us the Book of fat Sparrow. Was there a burning bush there (to account for no. 70)?"

Yeah, you'd think I'd need a cream for that, but no, it only took about half an hour.

"That reprobate Niolk has 'tagged' me too so I'm going to have to invent some truths of me own now."

Well, at least you only have to do 8.

Savannah -- "come home to momma, sugar! :) jaysus, sweetie!"

Yeah, it was a bit long, sorry. I was hoping it would keep people occupied while I'm busy for a bit.

Manuel -- "Seriously though some of that is pretty brave stuff to write. Big balls on them Sparrows..."

I know. I can't believe I admitted that I used to have the hots for Ben Stein. Jesus.

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

"Since I was semi-alone, I ripped one off just for you. I thought I got away with it, but then the Nestling Sparrow piped up with "Say 'excuse me', Mama!" I thought he was completely absorbed in watching "SpongeBob.""

Ha ha! So sorry I missed it... thank you for the honour

lette said...

Hi you :) that was great, I know you so well now, I might come live there were like best friends!! :p (Kidding) I got here through HangarQueen Devens bloggie, Im lette and that one. 'I'm a lot like Hermione, but fucked in the head' cracked me up, brilliant :) I must do one of these things see how I go! :)

do you mind if I link you through my blog?? I think I may be a regular visitor :)