Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Spouse Sparrow talks about: Being a moron magnet

Today while working outside, I was accosted by one of my neighbours who decided they wanted to do some male bonding and small talk with me.

My neighbour "Dan" is a stout fellow with a beard. He's loud, shouts at his kids, sells pot to supplement his income, and his wife has herpes and drinks a lot. A typical all-American family. There, now you know him as well as I do.

He started the conversation with, "I was watching the History Channel (he must have changed to that channel by mistake, then he dropped the remote and was too fat to bend down and get it); are all the buildings in Ireland old?" Lucky I had sunglasses on or he would have seen the eye roll.

I could tell Ireland and Northern Ireland were the same in his mind, so I answered accordingly. I explained, as I would to a small child, "There are new buildings, and old buildings and some that are a bit of both." I hoped that was it and I really did try to edge away but being a polite Brit, I found it difficult.

The questions kept coming: "Aren't there any minorities over there?"

"Not really, no," I said, edging father away.

"Are the people in Ireland all racist then?" Dan comes from a long line of KKK members so he really wanted to know this one.

"No, they are religious bigots." I explained a little about Catholics and Protestants and how in N.I. mostly everyone is white. I've had a similar conversation with him before but stoners can't remember shit.

"How did the whole religion thing start?" was his next question. F**k, don't these people have a computer? Have they not heard of Google?

I answered simply and more or less correctly to a point, "Henry the 8th sent Scottish Protestants to N.I. to drive out the Irish Catholics."

"They must have killed a lot of them?" he questioned further. I told him it was less genocide and more treating them like shit. To top it off I compared it to the Americans taking the land from the Indians. He got that example, no doubt to forget it 10 minutes later.

He then went on to tell me (again, and probably quite often in the future as well) that his family can be traced back to the 14th century and that his ancestor was the Prime Minister of England. I don't know how I kept a straight face.

He also told me his ancestor had a town named after him, (we'll call it) "Biggefatretarde." Now this is a real town and I had heard of it, so I told him that his name "Bigfatretard" (Americans changed all the immigrant names) sounded Scandinavian and he probably was related to Viking invaders and that he might have had ancestors that were knighted.

He was quite happy to hear this as it was better than his current life; no wonder he likes talking to me. He then went on to tell me how he tries to instill values and morals into his kids. This is priceless, coming from a drug dealer that's always late on his rent and works as little as possible. You know, I would just be happy if he made his usually hungover big beast of a teenage daughter put some clothes on and quit whoring it at the construction workers across the street.

I had enough by that point and stated, "Well, I better get back to work," and walked off.

I know there are intelligent nice Americans over here, I just always meet the morons.

Spouse Sparrow


Anonymous said...

I spent a summer in New Jersey a few years back. I worked on a Nascar track. My first day, while this retard was training me, he said (quoted word for word, because I'll never forget it): "So, you're Irish, ha? Do you know John? He was here last year."

Of course I told him that me and John go way back, etc etc.

Clairwil said...

Speaking of morons. Can you guess who's back on my blog cunningly disguised as anonymous?

Foot Eater said...

I hope you weren't bending down outside when Dan approached you for some 'male bonding', nudge, nudge.

Also, how did you know his wife had herpes?

boudica of suburbia said...

I wouldn't ask if I were you.

Belinda Cockbox said...

where is fat sparrow if writted her a peom.

i love her so wach out boy sparrow

Spouse Sparrow said...

Kav, I know John; he's from Downpatrick, right? Does everyone know that prick?

Clairwil, Is it Dan?

Foot Eater, I have learned to squat down rather than bend over; you learn these things fast in the army. Herpes? We have a reliable source of gossip and information; it's amazing what amount of info a wad of 20 dollar bills can buy. Americans don't have that device in their heads that disengages their mouths for telling you every and any inappropriate thing they can think off.

Boudica, You are a wise woman.

Belinda, I'm sure there is enough of her to go around.

Anonymous said...

John is indeed a ubiquitous cunt.