Monday, September 11, 2006

My pussy is useless

My cat is a worthless shite. Actually, we have several cats, and they have merged, in my mind, into one giant hairball of uselessness. I hope they all run away, as they are costing me money, and I resent them sorely.

My soft-as-shite husband took them in, when they were small, and he has resisted every concerted effort of mine to get rid of them. I felt bad for them at first, as their mother was a whore, and deposited them willy-nilly in the bushes in our front yard. She didn't like the little monsters next door (children of 2 generations worth of tweakers) coming over, dragging them out of the shrubs, and swinging them around, so she wisely decided that our dog was less of a threat, and moved them to our backyard. She then immediately went out and got herself hit by a car. We were left with kittens that were not exactly weaned, and definitely had issues. Plus, they're incredibly inbred, as they couple indiscriminately with the limited gene pool in the neighborhood. Hmmm, that sounds like the blogs I read, too.

The cats never really became tamed, and never really learned not to piss indoors, so now when they come in through the pet door I chase them back out. Plus, they're crawling with fleas, and I am not spending $10 per cat, every month, to buy flea stuff for them. I might spend that much to have them put down, as I am a heartless bastard.

Once upon a time, one of the stupid cats managed to get his leg seriously injured and infected, and I took him to the vet's, and he cost me $175, which the vet kindly let me pay in installments. The cat, who the Spouse Sparrow calls "Sleekit," then went and adopted himself out to one of our neighbors. If I had known he was going to do that, I would have sent her the vet bill.

I thought we were right on track to get rid of one of the other cats, as he was ingratiating himself with my brother's in-laws, who live next door, but then he had to go and claw my niece, who was visiting them next door. Every time I see him now, I kick him, just because of that little episode. If it wasn't for that, they would have taken him home by now, and I'd be rid of him.

The other cat, my husband's favorite, catches and eats the lovely mockingbirds that live on the side of our house. He was the one that came in to the house one time with a virtual coat of ticks covering him. I was the one that got to pick them off, of course. I had to get the tweezers, as they would not drop off after I doused him with tick-kill-um. I lost count after the 200th tick. I have never seen anything like that, nor do I ever want to again. I have no idea how he even managed to find one tick, as none of our other animals have ever had any. They were in a ring, all around his neck, and they were all the same size. I have a serious bug phobia, and I still have nightmares about that.

The Flegling Sparrow's favorite cat likes to come in and piss on our bedrooms doors. I like to put my foot up her ass (the cat's, not the Fledgling Sparrow's).

None, not one of these useless fuckers will eat any of the scores of mice that live in our garage, and cost me extra money by eating up the cat food.

I cannot see why the Spouse Sparrow is attached to them, other than to irritate me.

If you are interested in adopting any of these cats, or using them for animal testing and research, please e-mail me. You can have them for free.

Fat Sparrow

2 comments:

Me! said...

I think you already know my feelings on cats.

Just think of the extra money you'll have if you "sent them away to a better place"?

Fat Sparrow said...

Oh yes, I know.