They're talking about dead things over at Kav's, and it reminded me of a story about The Ex. It was too long to put in Kav's comments, so here it is....
It was a hot, hot summer day in Southern California, and the ex-husband and one of his friends (we'll call him "Len") were out driving in the middle of nowhere, stoned out of their minds, like you do. They had been out in the desert washes, 4-bying in The Ex's truck.
On the way back home, they had to go down a road that went under a overpass and had a dip in it. A huge dip, at a deep slant. Right under the overpass, unbeknownst to them, was a large, dead, rotting dog. The kind where the belly's all puffed up, just waiting to burst. The ex was going about 50 MPH, and realized that if he swerved, he would hit an embankment, and that there was nowhere to go. The Ex figured that the safest thing to do was to hit the dog. I mean, it was dead already, right? It's not like it was going to get any more deceased than it already was. So, he hit the dog.
What The Ex failed to take into account was the highly explosive, and very stinky, nature of large animals that have been bereft of life for a while. He also forgot that the windows in his truck were rolled down. It was very much like that scene in "Three Kings" where the cow explodes. Complete incomprehension on the part of all involved, then the raining down of huge masses of flesh. But, in "Three Kings," at least the cow was fresh. The dog was decidedly not.
Upon hitting the dog, gaseous matter, oozing ick, and globs o' decaying meat flew everywhere, not the least of which was through the windshield, which took a direct hit from the dog's maggoty head. Other parts flew in through the side windows. Once safely through, The Ex pulled over to the side of the road. It took him and Len a minute to regroup. They got out of the truck to assess the damage. It was bad. The windshield was completely gone, the entire front end of the truck was covered in deceased canine glop, the rotting head was in the front seat, and a good portion of the carcass was in the back of the bed of the truck. The Ex and Len were also covered in it. They proceeded to quietly freak out.
Here you have a horrible and morbid scene, the kind of thing that the police would definitely pull you over for, and rightly so. The kind of thing where if this was a Quentin Tarantino movie, you would be on the phone to Harvey Keitel to get help. And yet here they were, miles and miles from home, in the days before obligatory cell phones, completely fucking stoned, and afraid of getting pulled over by the cops due to all the blood and muck on the exterior and interior of the vehicle and themselves, and the missing windshield.
Obviously, someone needed to do some thinking and come up with a plan. Len had a brilliant idea. They were holding, which could be a problem if they were pulled over, so what they needed to do, Len figured, was to smoke all the pot they had with them. So they did. The Ex and Len loaded up their bong, sat down on the curb, and hit away. They felt much better afterward. But now The Ex and Len were hungry. You and I, in a similar, non-stoned situation, would not be able to eat while covered in decayed dog, but stoners are different. They had the munchies, and munched up everything they had brought with them in the ice chest.
Well now, what to do about cleaning up? The main thing seemed to be to clean up themselves first, but all they had handy was the bong water. Excellent plan, and the small bit of bong water was now used to wash their hands and face. Never mind that neither one of them had changed the bong water in months, and it was black and chunky and left them smelling worse than they had before. Those are minor details. They then needed to wash off part of the truck, or at least as much as they could. The only thing they had left was packets of Blue Ice, from the ice chest. They wouldn't be needing those for the ride home, so they tore those open, and began wiping down the front of the truck with it. The Blue Ice immediately crystallized on the hood of the truck in the 105 degree heat, leaving a very interesting pattern of blue gunk and bloody dog guts. The Ex and Len could not wipe it off. This time it was The Ex who came up with the brilliant plan; they would pee it off. The piss did not work. It mainly ran off the hood of the truck, while leaving all the large bits of matter still there.
By now, The Ex and Len were out of ideas. It was growing dark, and Len needed to get home, as he had his shift to do, delivering pizzas for Domino's Pizza. If he was late, he'd be fired. They didn't care if he was stoned. Considering the area that he delivered in, being stoned would have been a plus for that job. The Ex and Len considered, and assumed that their chances of getting home safely were better now that it would be dark.
They were right. They made it home safely. The Ex dropped Len off at his house, and staggered back home to his parent's house, where he lived.
The Ex's mother didn't enter the spare bathroom 'til the next day, but when she did, the screaming brought down the house. The Ex had decided, quite wisely, to take a shower when he got home. He had also decided, rather unwisely, to bring the dog's head in with him. He though it would be cool to have the dog skull attached to the front grill of his truck. He had started washing it in the shower, but gave it up as a bad job, and went to get something to eat, as he still had the munchies. His mother found it the next day, when a good many of the maggots had hatched. She was wondering where all the flies were coming from.
The Ex hosed out the truck and doused the interior with bleach, and even had the engine compartment steam cleaned, but he never did manage to get the smell out of it. I think dog parts were stuck in the ventilation system, and there was just no way they were ever going to stop stinking. We mainly used my car for transportation after that. Years later, when The Ex sold the truck, I made sure he did it in the winter, and to another stoner. It was just an old Toyota from the late 70's, and a beater anyway. It's probably still running though, and sometimes I wonder if whoever has it now notices that smell in the summer, and wonders what it is.