Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Red Rover, Red Rover, The Ex ran him over

They're talking about dead things over at Kav's, and it reminded me of a story about The Ex. It was too long to put in Kav's comments, so here it is....


It was a hot, hot summer day in Southern California, and the ex-husband and one of his friends (we'll call him "Len") were out driving in the middle of nowhere, stoned out of their minds, like you do. They had been out in the desert washes, 4-bying in The Ex's truck.

On the way back home, they had to go down a road that went under a overpass and had a dip in it. A huge dip, at a deep slant. Right under the overpass, unbeknownst to them, was a large, dead, rotting dog. The kind where the belly's all puffed up, just waiting to burst. The ex was going about 50 MPH, and realized that if he swerved, he would hit an embankment, and that there was nowhere to go. The Ex figured that the safest thing to do was to hit the dog. I mean, it was dead already, right? It's not like it was going to get any more deceased than it already was. So, he hit the dog.

What The Ex failed to take into account was the highly explosive, and very stinky, nature of large animals that have been bereft of life for a while. He also forgot that the windows in his truck were rolled down. It was very much like that scene in "Three Kings" where the cow explodes. Complete incomprehension on the part of all involved, then the raining down of huge masses of flesh. But, in "Three Kings," at least the cow was fresh. The dog was decidedly not.

Upon hitting the dog, gaseous matter, oozing ick, and globs o' decaying meat flew everywhere, not the least of which was through the windshield, which took a direct hit from the dog's maggoty head. Other parts flew in through the side windows. Once safely through, The Ex pulled over to the side of the road. It took him and Len a minute to regroup. They got out of the truck to assess the damage. It was bad. The windshield was completely gone, the entire front end of the truck was covered in deceased canine glop, the rotting head was in the front seat, and a good portion of the carcass was in the back of the bed of the truck. The Ex and Len were also covered in it. They proceeded to quietly freak out.

Here you have a horrible and morbid scene, the kind of thing that the police would definitely pull you over for, and rightly so. The kind of thing where if this was a Quentin Tarantino movie, you would be on the phone to Harvey Keitel to get help. And yet here they were, miles and miles from home, in the days before obligatory cell phones, completely fucking stoned, and afraid of getting pulled over by the cops due to all the blood and muck on the exterior and interior of the vehicle and themselves, and the missing windshield.

Obviously, someone needed to do some thinking and come up with a plan. Len had a brilliant idea. They were holding, which could be a problem if they were pulled over, so what they needed to do, Len figured, was to smoke all the pot they had with them. So they did. The Ex and Len loaded up their bong, sat down on the curb, and hit away. They felt much better afterward. But now The Ex and Len were hungry. You and I, in a similar, non-stoned situation, would not be able to eat while covered in decayed dog, but stoners are different. They had the munchies, and munched up everything they had brought with them in the ice chest.

Well now, what to do about cleaning up? The main thing seemed to be to clean up themselves first, but all they had handy was the bong water. Excellent plan, and the small bit of bong water was now used to wash their hands and face. Never mind that neither one of them had changed the bong water in months, and it was black and chunky and left them smelling worse than they had before. Those are minor details. They then needed to wash off part of the truck, or at least as much as they could. The only thing they had left was packets of Blue Ice, from the ice chest. They wouldn't be needing those for the ride home, so they tore those open, and began wiping down the front of the truck with it. The Blue Ice immediately crystallized on the hood of the truck in the 105 degree heat, leaving a very interesting pattern of blue gunk and bloody dog guts. The Ex and Len could not wipe it off. This time it was The Ex who came up with the brilliant plan; they would pee it off. The piss did not work. It mainly ran off the hood of the truck, while leaving all the large bits of matter still there.

By now, The Ex and Len were out of ideas. It was growing dark, and Len needed to get home, as he had his shift to do, delivering pizzas for Domino's Pizza. If he was late, he'd be fired. They didn't care if he was stoned. Considering the area that he delivered in, being stoned would have been a plus for that job. The Ex and Len considered, and assumed that their chances of getting home safely were better now that it would be dark.

They were right. They made it home safely. The Ex dropped Len off at his house, and staggered back home to his parent's house, where he lived.

The Ex's mother didn't enter the spare bathroom 'til the next day, but when she did, the screaming brought down the house. The Ex had decided, quite wisely, to take a shower when he got home. He had also decided, rather unwisely, to bring the dog's head in with him. He though it would be cool to have the dog skull attached to the front grill of his truck. He had started washing it in the shower, but gave it up as a bad job, and went to get something to eat, as he still had the munchies. His mother found it the next day, when a good many of the maggots had hatched. She was wondering where all the flies were coming from.

The Ex hosed out the truck and doused the interior with bleach, and even had the engine compartment steam cleaned, but he never did manage to get the smell out of it. I think dog parts were stuck in the ventilation system, and there was just no way they were ever going to stop stinking. We mainly used my car for transportation after that. Years later, when The Ex sold the truck, I made sure he did it in the winter, and to another stoner. It was just an old Toyota from the late 70's, and a beater anyway. It's probably still running though, and sometimes I wonder if whoever has it now notices that smell in the summer, and wonders what it is.

Fat Sparrow

22 comments:

Anonymous said...

Fan-fucking-tastic. Best story ever.

Andraste said...

Eugh. And Yay! Hilarious. But disgusting...confused by my own reaction, I will now have a lie down.

Hee!

PI said...

I'm so glad my lunch was digested.Wonder who you think of when you get a noxious smell?

Conan Drumm said...

Reminds me of having to drive for about 60 miles stuck behind a dripping truck carrying offal... The car stank for ever, until it was written off in a late night altercation with a bullock on the Galway road. 45mph... got out of that one very lightly.

ill man said...

A gruesome tale Fat Sparrow. If you see exploding dogs appear in one of my short stories sometime in the near future then please don't hesitate to claim some (non existant)royalties. Or at least a bit of kudos.

Fat Sparrow said...

Kav -- Thanks! I think "Fire In The Hole" was better, but I happily take all praise.

Andraste -- Yeah, that was pretty much my reaction, too.

Pat -- Sorry about that. Maybe I should start posting warnings? "Do not read on full stomach." Oh yeah, when I think of smelly things, I thinks of The Ex, for reasons that will become apparent in future postings. If only I had the satisfaction of knowing that he was not only smelly, but dead, too.

Conan -- You know, I've heard tales of how bad driving in Ireland can be, but I think yours is the winner.

Ill Man -- I personally believe that exploding dogs just do not get enough press coverage. Glad to know that you'll be boosting their popularity. Let me know if you need any technical details; there's plenty of them around the neighborhood in the summertime here.

Babsbitchin said...

That is by far, one of the most fucked up stories I've ever read. I was right there. Damn, I loved it, hah!!

Anonymous said...

Christ Almighty that's a mad story altogether.There I was thinking my Jet Vs Turkeys tale had merit.Not next to exploding dogs.Yak inducing but brilliant.

Fat Sparrow said...

Babs -- Glad you liked it.

Devin -- Mmmmmm, turkey! Just in time for Thanksgiving!

Somehow I missed that story of yours the first time around. I went back through the archives and read it. That was fucking hilarious, plus you have actual pictures for yours. Here's the link for anyone who hasn't read it.

I particularly liked the part where you spoke firmly to the New Yawk City people in their native language. And without a handgun, even. Impressive.

Anonymous said...

Kav stole my line. That is fanfuckingtastic. Oh my god I'm still laughing.

Stoners do the strangest things. Too bad Harvey wasn't there to help them. "Oh man, there's a dead dog's face in the windshield." Hee hee.

Fat Sparrow said...

Sassy -- If you'd ever met The Ex's mom, you could just picture her doing that scene out of "Pulp Fiction"....

"Did you see a sign out in front of my house that said 'Dead Dog Storage'?"

"No, I didn't."

"You know WHY you didn't see that sign?"

"Why?"

"'Cause it ain't there, 'cause storing dead dogs ain't my fucking business, that's why!"


Boy, I love that movie.

fatmammycat said...

That was just fucking brilliant and totally cheered my freezing cold goddamned Thursday up. Well played madam, well played indeed.

Anonymous said...

And you will know that I am the LORD!

Fat Sparrow said...

FMC -- Glad you liked it. My aim in life is to get as many people as possible to snort tea, coffee, what-have-you out of their noses while reading my stories.

You should come here to So Cal. It was 85 yesterday, and we had to have the air on. Fucking weather.

Sassy -- Damn skippy!

Taihae said...

The best I can do is hitting a deer and having the guts all over the car...the deer survived, somehow, and we had to have a cop shoot it. Yours is way better, as the guts were fresh and neither my mother nor myself were stoned. I would have preferred if she was - she freaked out pretty bad.

Fat Sparrow said...

Oh my God, that poor deer.... "Fuck me, it's not bad enough that someone hit me, but now they're shooting at me too?! Christ, this was why I didn't go to Los Angeles for my vacation."

SzélsőFa said...

Hello Sparrow, that's my first ever vist here and I am absolutely positive that it was worth taking the time to read it. That story is so great, you should sell it or make a film around it. That would be a smash hit. Literally speaking as well.

Sammy said...

fucking pot heads... thats pretty brilliant

Fat Sparrow said...

Szelso Fa & Sammy -- Thanks! I dawned on me a while back that all those things having to do with my ex and his family were hilariously funny, as long as I don't have to deal with them. Luckily, a few years' distance makes all the difference in the world, and now I can look back on those stories and milk them for all they're worth.

Shameless promotion mode: If you haven't already, check out "Fire In The Hole," which is a story about The Ex's dad.

SzélsőFa said...

I have read that story and laughed just as much. And I agree: it takes some time to be able to laugh at such events which might seem like disasters at the first glimpse...

Anonymous said...

Jesus!

Fat Sparrow said...

I don't think He could have helped.