Thursday, September 21, 2006

Now, back to your regularly scheduled programming

Right, I'll just start off by apologizing to everyone for my drunken posting, comments, etc., especially those of you that I e-mailed pictures of my butt-plug collection to. Er, unless you liked it, and then, well.... "Enjoy!" I guess.

The Spouse Sparrow has reminded me that friends do not let friends post drunk, so I am required to wake him to join in the drunken festivities, next time. The moment I woke up this afternoon, the smug bastard was already shaking his head, sucking his teeth at me, and generally making fun of me. My face has been beet-red pretty much all day long.

I have been informed that, as an American, I should not attempt to get pissed. I should leave the drinking to the professionals, which, apparently, is you Brits. I am properly chastised. Of course, that has not stopped me from having a hair of the dog that bit me this evening. Just the thing I needed for my headache. The Spouse Sparrow has also said that I am not supposed to say that I have been drinking, that way people will just think I'm nuts. I'm not sure how that's preferable, but there you have it, advice from the master.

I will, in the future, attempt to refrain from posting a bunch of weepy shite that makes all you men out there go "Jesus, her Aunt Flo's visiting," and the women say "Fuck me, is there no chocolate in her house? My mother-in-law is not that whiny!" As a side note, the painters were not in, but that's beside the point.

Thank you all for the tea and sympathy.

Fat Sparrow

10 comments:

Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

For a horrible moment there in the last post's comments I thought you were telling me your parents had died under warranty. Then i figured that that wouldn't be the worst thing that could happen. Having your parent expire after their warranty would be the real bugger. But if they snuffed it at the same time - that's a good thing and you might recover your losses on a twofer funeral service.

Now 'bout these hunnies of yours. I get Hugh Laurie, I've had a crush on him myself since I was a teenager. Scully? Don't see it. And Spike! NonononononononNO! He looks like pre-bum-fluffed Billy Idol. I like the black leather and the get-up and that, but he's way too young, too blonde. Having said that I quite like Daniel Craig and am rooting against the conventional wisdom that says he'll be a crap Bond. There'll never be another Sean though.

My tastes run more towards the older silverback males. They have more to say for themselves but no longer the NEED to say as much, which makes them more interesting, I think. Hence Alan Rickman, but particularly Alan Rickman as the Sheriff of Nottingham in the Prince of Thieves film. Pure sex appeal. I still have dreams about me and the Sheriff. Jeremy Irons, despite his being gay. Anthony Hopkins about 10 years ago was at his peak. As was Leonard Cohen about 15 years ago. Al Pacino, at any age. Captain Jack Sparrow. Peter Cook back in the day. Clive Owen. Bob Dylan (seriously - oh all right then, maybe Bob Dylan 15 years ago but without the shoulder padded jacket and headband.) Christopher Hitchens (God knows why but I find him deeply sexy, belly and all). Bill Maher. Craig Ferguson from the Late, Late Show. Liam Neeson. Zidane. The lot of them - phwoaaarr!

Blimey. I'm all a-thinking now. I might have to have a wee bit of a lie down...

(It's 9 something at night and there's a bloddy rooster cocking his doodle somewhere. Where's the NRA when you need them? Polishing their pistols with loving strokes that's what. Really working up a good shine. And then, spent and exhausted, admiring them and possibly even measuring them. Again.

Fat Sparrow said...

Sam, that was the funniest comment I have read in a while:

"For a horrible moment there in the last post's comments I thought you were telling me your parents had died under warranty. Then i figured that that wouldn't be the worst thing that could happen. Having your parent expire after their warranty would be the real bugger. But if they snuffed it at the same time - that's a good thing and you might recover your losses on a twofer funeral service."

I laughed so hard I had to take a moment to catch my breath. You're brilliant.

And it's not Hugh Laurie that I have the hots for, it's Dr. House.

Ditto on the others; it's their characters that I like.

Although, Scully or not, Gillian Anderson's a fave of mine. Still not sure if I want to be her, or do her.

Spike, of course, would tell you that Billy Idol copied his look (that was part of the gag on "Buffy," in case you weren't a fan). Spike I love (what educated woman can resist a bit of rough trade?), although James Marsters seems to be a flaming homo in real life. Nothing wrong with that, except for what I had in mind, dammit. Plus, you do know he's 10 years older than me (which makes him 46) in real life, right? They tried to keep that under wraps while BTVS was out, but the truth will out.

I like House and Spike specifically because they remind me of the Spouse Sparrow (not necessarily in looks, but in attitude and personality). I can dream about them all I like, and it's completely justified in my mind, and not cheating, because they remind me of him.

Scully, well, she's nothing like the hubby, but I know the hubby would join in for a threesome, so that's not really cheating, right? Right?

Oh, I forgot to add Jason Bourne to my list of honeys. That scene in the first movie where he washes your chick's hair is just about the best piece of erotica I've seen in years.

Can't see what you see in any of your lot of honeys, although Sean Connery is one of the hubby's. He does an impression of him on our answering machine, and it's pretty good. We get telemarketers calling back just to hear it, and giggling.

"My tastes run more towards the older silverback males."

Ha, you should check out Old Knudsen. For an old silverback, he's acquiring quite the following amongst the ladies, and, truth be told, the men. As he would say, "Any port in a storm."

Kieran said...

Oh but Leonard Cohen is on a permanent peak. He'll be impregnating ladies from the grave, which is probably legal in Canada as well. That Spouse Sparrow, he has his head screwed on proper.

The Hitcher said...

My name is Inigo Montoya. I wish to correct you on one point the English scum they are not to handle the drink they are like the homosexual who's drink Inigo Montoya has poisoned they take one sip and fall like the pathetic puta.

El español are the true bebedores! and following the people of Inigo Montoya are the people of his adopted land: el irlandés, they may be poor and ugly and smelling of the piss but they do drink almost equal to Inigo Montoya.

Fat Sparrow said...

Kieran -- "Oh but Leonard Cohen is on a permanent peak. He'll be impregnating ladies from the grave"

Truly, you have a unique talent for putting me off my food. You are my new diet plan. I expect to lose weight on a regular basis now.

Inigo -- Mi amigo! Hola, y bienvenidos! Si, si, what you say about the Ingles is probably verdad, pero the gorrion esposo es de Irlande del Norte, but he can drink like his compadres en el glorioso Republico del Irlande en el sur, even if he is a (former) Prod.

Dr Maroon said...

Jesus! What posts are the drunken pissed up ones? Don't worry I'm a doctor, I've seen shit that would turn you white. Well, at least put you off flying for a while.

Fat Sparrow said...

Hey, Doc! Just the man for my hangover! It was just the one post, honest.

I hate flying. As one of my other favorite doctors (Dr. House) said recently, "Stay off airplanes. They're flying cesspools." No shit. Germ factories with wings, that's what they are. Worse than a preschool.

On a side note (speaking of shit that will turn you white), did you know that if you eat tuna salad sandwiches, with cream of potato soup, for a whole week, your shit will turn white? Okay, maybe not white, but definitely beige. Alternately, if you eat pasta with marinara sauce for a week, with watermelon for desert, your shit will turn red.

Stay tuned, further developments coming up!

Word Verif. is taking the piss again: yuoxdqgk

Old Knudsen said...

Planes or as I call them,"those things that fall from the sky" are way too heavy to fly, ok they get lucky sometimes.
Mrs Sparrow, well done on the observing, have you tested to see if it retains the flavour of the food? this could be the ultimate recycling, I eat the corn, peanuts and peppers that I find.(after washing them of course)

word verif, acjgaqvu, thats so gay.

johnnyboy said...

I am devastated, as I never received your buttplug collection email. What oh what must I do ?
Perhaps supplying the following info might put me in your favors: a dab of methylene blue turns your pee green, and eating asparagus will give spouse sparrow's come a hot mustard flavor. Get your pretzels ready !

Fat Sparrow said...

Johnnyboy -- "I am devastated, as I never received your buttplug collection email. What oh what must I do ?"

Um, have e-mail?

"eating asparagus will give spouse sparrow's come a hot mustard flavor."

a) Do I want to know how you know that?

b) Does that mean that cum is the secret ingredient in the hot mustard sauce in Chinese takeout? I suppose those little serving size packets should have been the clue, huh?