Sunday, September 17, 2006

The female of the species is more deadly than the male

Me! has requested a post on females in the animal kingdom who kill their mates after sex (or, as entomologists like to call it, "dinner and a date"), and as I am an obliging person, I have obliged.

Yes, I am worried for her husband. She seems to have a strange preoccupation here. Maybe she is just mining me for tips on how to do him in. Whatever you heard about my ex-husband's disappearance, I had nothing to do with it. Really. I strongly suggest that you discontinue that line of questioning.

I can understand killing your sex partner after the mating is finished (God knows I've thought of it often enough, when they're begging me for my phone number), but bugs eat their deceased mate. I do not see the point of eating your mate after sex, whether you are animal, vegetable, or Paris Hilton. I believe that most of it happens in the insect or arachnid "kingdoms" (we will be bombing them soon, to bring democracy to those recalcitrant, unappreciative twats), which I mainly try to avoid, due to my bug phobia. Bugs are useless, nasty, multi-legged creatures whose sole purpose in life is to make me scream like a young soprano altar boy getting buggered by the priest for the first time. Bugs spend all their time eating other bugs, so we can eliminate the lot of them, and no one will miss them.

Also, bug sex is disturbing. Their eyes bug (I am so punny!) out even more than usual, and their dirty proboscises dart in and out, along with whatever appendages they use for mating. I have never seen any science fiction rendition of an alien that is even half as disturbing as any of your garden-variety bugs.

Insects are sick fuckers, undoubtedly. If I had wanted to eat my sex partner, I would have done it before I killed him, not after, not that I would be doing it then, either. There is no reason to top off a perfectly good date and dinner with oral sex. Nothing ruins the lovely after-taste of a steak dinner like a shot of warm jizz pumped into the back of your throat. If he had wanted a blow-job, he should have asked for it before dinner, but after the aperitif, and I would have said "no" then. No reason to fill up too much before the main course, unless it's with nice appetizers. A cum-wad does not qualify as a nice appetizer.

Perhaps bugs have the right idea, after all, with the dinner after sex. I know that I get queasy if I have a big meal and then try to have sex. All that bouncing and rocking; you don't want to do that after you've had a large dinner. Maybe it does make more sense to eat after the sex.

Where was I? Oh yes, fellatio. If you want some oral sex from me, go kill some bugs, and don't wait 'til after dinner.

Fat Sparrow


Foot Eater said...

The closest I ever came to exeriencing a wad of cum shot against the back of my throat was when I had snails in Paris. Does it normally taste of garlic too?

Dr Maroon said...

That's your story Eater, anyhoo,
the Chinese once tried to eradicate all your lot Ms Sparrow, and the next year suffered pestilence on a truly Chinese scale. Surely then your assertion that bugs be wiped from the face of the earth would leave all your species hungry, cum wads or not.

Fat Sparrow said...

Foot -- Not having sucked off a Frenchie, I couldn't tell you. I do have some standards, you know.

Many, many years back, there was an intense discussion on a local call-in radio show about how getting the suckee to drink pineapple juice, specifically, Dole brand pineapple juice, would make the jiz more palatable. The elderly president of Dole filed a complaint against the radio show. What no one seemed to be too concerned about was that it was a 13-year-old girl who had called in to ask.

No, it wasn't me, you dirty bastards.

Doc -- That's a sacrifice that I'm willing to make.

Old Knudsen said...

Can't you see we're just edging closer to a bukkake story? I knew it would happen sooner or later.

Mr Eater, your curiousity about the taste of cum has been noted.

Those bloody Chinese never do anything right, the Boxer rebelion didn't have any boxing.

Monstee said...

There am so many disturbing things in and around this post that me lost count. But most disturbing am fact that Footeater fellated snails in Paris. Me wonder if this in fact did ANYTHING for Miss Hilton?

Monstee said...


Do you still get oral sex if you kill bugs by eating them for dinner?

Fat Sparrow said...

Monstee -- Well, at least Footie survived the snail fellatio. Actual snail sex involves them piercing each other's heads with a bony, hollow spike made of calcium. A bit rough, even for my tastes, but that's snails for you.

Yes on the oral sex, but don't expect any open-mouth, tongue kissing. Picking bug antennae and blue hairs out of my teeth would be a bit too much to ask, at least on the first date, don't you think?

Doc -- Was that not Frederick the Great of Prussia that got pissy about the sparrows eating his cherries, and ordered the fuckers offed? I hadn't heard about the Chinese story.

Dr Maroon said...

No, the Chinese tried it too. They had a bad year with sparrows (tell me about it) so the chairman said "Top the fuckin lot" in Manderine, which phonetically is "chow-wow chzxing ping!!" So for 48 hours the populating got tore into them. The next year all their crops were eaten by caterpillars and such like. It was in the fifties when everything was only black and white and they didn't know about food chains or david Attenborough. They were very primitive. it was two to a bike back then. Ask your dad.

Dr Maroon said...

See here.

Fat Sparrow said...

"Two to a bike"! Fuck me, the dirty bastards! No wonder there's so many of them.

Jesus, I couldn't ask my dad about something like that; I'd blush. Go on, ya geezer, tell me some more dirty stories. Roll your "r"s, get that tongue going!

Fat Sparrow said...

Good grief, those Chinks don't seem to be too bright, do they? If only they were more enlightened, they could have been spraying DDT in the 1950's to kill their locusts. Thank God I'm a brilliant American.

Word Verif: yacdd = what I did, when I thought about eating locusts.

Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

Fat Sparrow, if i were to say sharon fruit (or I think it might be star-fruit here) you will know what I mean.

I first noticed the peculiar odor of a sharon fruit in the middle of a conversation with a department head at a cheesy-whine party in uni. It was only after a thorough investigation of the fruit plate that I realised the strawberries and melon hadn't been ... interfered with and that this scent was peculiar to the sharon fruit.

Without saying a word I alerted another friend to the peculiar odour by waving a piece under her nose and catching her astonished eye just as she was being waylaid by the same professor, and enjoyed several merry moments watching her trying to keep a straight face as he told her about his wasp-nest problems.

Strange fruit indeed.

And, pineapple juice, eh? I'd heard bananas but I thought it was more of a visual gag until somebody said the potassium in a banana counteracts the high sodium content of a Western man'

Asparagus has got to be bad though, right?

Fat Sparrow said...

Hey, Sam! How are you holding up with the fires out by you?

Considering the tone of this thread, I got a most unpleasant visual with the phrase "interfered with." Good work!

I don't know about the various foods. I highly suspect that no matter what the guy eats, jiz will still taste like snot.

As for the asparagus, it's genetic whether or not you can smell (and taste) it in bodily fluids. If you can't smell it in yours or someone else's pee, you won't taste it, either. Weird, huh? One of those useless genetic things like being able to roll your tongue.

Dr Maroon said...

What does sharon fruit taste like then? Come on, spill the beans.

Foot Eater said...

Do you mean if you can't smell asparagus in urine you can't taste it in urine either? Why would you want to?

Fat Sparrow said...

Well, yes, since smell and taste are practically the same, for discussion purposes and all that.

Why would you want to? Hmmm, I guess you could call it an acquired taste. Quit muttering "You sick fuck," Footie. I can hear you clear over here.

On a completely unrelated note, Word Verif, is really taking the piss lately. "xoqnyvso" What the fuck?! I swear they keep adding more and more letters each time.