Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Days of whine and noses

Next fucking Tuesday.

That's when my doctor can manage to see me. Never mind that I have a fever that's been spiking to 103 degrees, or that the antibiotics didn't work. The bastards actually allowed three of the medical practice's five doctors to go on vacation at the same time.

This was how my phone conversation went....

Front desk: "Hello, Pain-in-the-arse Medical Group. How may I help you?"

Me: "Yes, could I have the appointment desk, please?"

Front desk: "One moment." (transfers me to hold for 10 minutes)

Receptionist: "Appointment desk. How may I help you?"

Me: "Hi, I'd like to make an appointment with Dr. Soandso at the local office."

Receptionist: (receptionist asks my name, date of birth, etc.) "And what will you need to be seen for?"

Me: "Well, I was in two weeks ago for a sinus infection, and Dr. Soandso put me on antibiotics for a sinus infection, and I finished the antibiotics, but my fever came back, and the sinus infection's still there."

Receptionist: "All right, we have an opening at the local office with Dr. Soandso on November 14, at 2:20 P.M."

Me: "Um, do you have anything at the local office with another doctor? My fever's been kinda bad."

Receptionist: "No, I'm afraid we don't. We have three doctors out on vacation right now."

Me: (muttering) "What kind of mong do you have running your scheduling office? You only have 5 doctors at the local office as it is."

Receptionist: "I'm sorry?"

Me: "Never mind. Look, is there anyway you can squeeze me in? It would be a ten minute appointment, max. I only need a prescription."

Receptionist: "No, but we do have two walk-in clinics."

Me: "Yeah, I know, but they're each 12 miles away from me, in opposite directions. Not exactly walking distance, as I don't have a car."

Receptionist: "Could you take the bus?"

Me: "No, I have a 103 fever and migraines and I have a constant stream of snot running from my nose. I would have to take 3 buses to get to either of the clinics, and that would take well over two hours."

Receptionist: "Oh."

(long pause)

Me: "So, November 14, you say?"

Receptionist: "Yes, that's right. Would you like that appointment date?"

Me: "I guess I would."

Let's hope I haven't carked it by then. I spent all day conked out on migraine medication, as it is migraine week. And did I mention the temperature's back up to 82? With the Santa Ana winds again? Fucking weather. At least the Spouse Sparrow hadn't sealed the swamp cooler up for the season yet, so we had air conditioning.

We're back down into single digit humidity levels. Do you know how dry 9% humidity is? I'll tell you. It's so dry that I can blow my nose on a tissue until that tissue is dripping wet, and then I can set that tissue aside, and 3 minutes later, that tissue is completely dry enough for me to use it to blow my nose again. That's how dry it is.

Quit cringing. It's recycling. Recycling is good.

Oh, and we had a fire up the road from us. A small one, but we're paranoid enough about fire here, especially during the windy season, that the smell of smoke was enough to wake me up at the ungodly hour of 7 A.M. I leapt up out of bed and rushed outside to see what direction the smoke was coming from. We almost lost the house a couple of years ago from a fire, so better safe than sorry. Did I mention that it was the Spouse Sparrow that saved the house that time, with a garden hose, before the fire truck arrived? Yes, the Spouse Sparrow is quite the multi-talented stud muffin. I shudder to think what would have happened if we hadn't been home.

And speaking of doctors, while we're at it.... Why the fuck does the doctor's office send out notices urgently urging us all to come in and get our flu shots in October, when they won't even have the vaccines yet? Why? Is it just to irritate me, so that I can call in every week, asking if they've got them in yet? I believe it is. Every week I call, and every week they tell me to call next week. I imagine that one week I'll call, and they'll tell me that they're all out, I should have gotten one the week before.

And people wonder why Americans are so violent.

Fat Sparrow


Anonymous said...

That's a shame. What a curse your medical system is. Ours is not much better, but at least if you're dying they tend to try and fit you in. Get well soon, for fuck's sake.

The Hitcher said...

You love it you slag!

Anonymous said...

I hear you! I'm sick as a dog myself (though I think I've staved off the evil sinus infection for now---I usually get at least one nasty one a year---fuck allergies), and I just hope that I don't have to call the doctor's office. They never come through when I'm actually sick, but they've had me go in for things like a bone density test (that was actually meant for another patient with my name---I was not even 30 at the time) like it was some kind of emergency.

I hope you feel better. Thanks for the recycling tip. Can't do it here in the soggy East Coast, but I'll pass it along to my snotty friends out West.

Foot Eater said...

Doctors are the scum of the earth and the sooner the last one of them is put to the sword the better.

Hope you feel better soon.

Old Knudsen said...

I'm with the Hitcher on this.

Fat Sparrow said...

Kav -- At least I get this treatment for free. Sadly, there's people who pay for it.

Hitcher -- Love what, exactly? You'll have to be a bit more specific to get me going. I'm on my deathbed, you know.

Sassy -- Allergies do suck. I used to spend half of every year in the hospital in an oxygen tent die to allergies and asthma. Oh, and it may have had something to do with my dad's three-pack a day habit.

Do you irrigate your sinuses? I've found it to be quite helpful with the allergies and sinus infections (usually). It has the bonus of killing off any type of fungal infection in there, which can often be mistaken for a bacterial sinus infection.

That's quite a coincidence about the bone density test. Imagine someone else being named Sassy Sundry, and at your doctor's, too!

Footie -- I might make an exception for ahem, certain doctors. If they offered to do housecalls.

Thanks for the well wishes.

Old Knudsen -- I heard you gave The Hitcher a ride.

First Nations said...

sinus infection? here, miss!
oh, you're gonna hate this too...five blocks down, right? i rambled on in to the doctors office, no appointment, saw the doc, got a scrip for antibiotic, rambled on across the street, got it filled, rambled home. 45 min.

boudica of suburbia said...

Trapped in a box by a cockney nut-job, 'ave a cup o tea, 'ave a cup o tea!

The Hitcher is right, ave a cup of tea. It's the cure for all ailments.

Fat Sparrow said...

FN -- You suck. Let me guess, you don't have to lock your doors, either? Okay, how much are rents there? :::sigh::: I would love to be able to move from here, but for right now, we're trapped. I hate the weather, I hate the stupid, ignorant, prejudiced people, and the smog, and and and.... Plus, I'm allergic to everything here.

Boudica -- Yep, tea is good. I drink green tea, and it's lovely. I'd be happier still if I could afford the Japanese food to go along with it. Mmmmm, sashimi. And wasabi kicks ass for clearing out your sinuses, ha.

Anonymous said...

I've heard much about wasabi, but have yet to try it. Doesn't it make your eyes bleed?

Fat Sparrow said...

Only if you put it in your eyes. "Never put wasabi in my eye, never put wasabi in my eye.... Must put wasabi in my eye!" Boy, I do miss "The Kids In The Hall."

You have reminded me (yet again) of an excellent story I have, having to do with wasabi. I'll try to get it put up in the next couple of days, just for you.

The Hitcher said...

Oy once troyd a "chocolate wasawbi fudge cake" royght an it was only a cake with a big fackin dollop o' 'at wasawbi spunk in the fackin miduhw. Oy nearly blew me fackin top when oy put it in me mouf. Tasted like a dead prozzies arsehole you slag.

Fat Sparrow said...

Hitch -- I think you think you're speaking English. I'm sorry.