My 2-year-old, the Nestling Sparrow, is possessed.
I desperately need help, preferably of the supernatural kind, as my copy of "What To Expect The Toddler Years" does not seem to cover possession of any kind. In fact, the writers of that exalted tome are not of the opinion that my son is possessed, at all. They seem to think that this behavior is normal for a toddler, which leads me to wonder just how horrible their children are, to lead them to this conclusion. I have had a 2-year-old before, and she never acted like this. I suppose she was saving it up for her teenage years, as she is surly as fuck now.
The Nestling Sparrow has been waking up at night, between 3 and 5 in the morning, and wanting us to get up and play. He awakens with various shouts, usually at the top of his lungs, like "Hi! I Bambi deer!" (His favorite movie at the moment is "Bambi") "Mommy, I Bambi deer! Mommy, wake up!"
Then there is also the "Planets" song from "Blue's Clues." If the government really wanted to get information out of the "enemy combatants" at Gitmo, they should put a 2-year-old in with the prisoners, and have the toddler demand that those poor bastards sing it over and over and over and over.... They will crack after a few days. Believe me, they will crack.
Just so you fuckers can have this song in your heads, here it is:
"Well, the Sun's a hot star, and Mercury's hot, too! Venus is the brightest planet, and Earth's home to me and you! Mars is the red one, Jupiter's most wide! Saturn's got those icy rings, and Uranus spins on its side! Neptune's really windy, and Pluto's really small.... You wanted to name the planets, and now we've named them all!"
I think it would have been better if Uranus was the windy one, but what can you do?
We are ready to kill the Nestling Sparrow. He sleeps in the same room with us, in his crib, right next to our bed. We get this song at full-force, every morning, before that "hot star" has even risen. We only have 2 bedrooms in our house, and soon the Fledgling Sparrow will be sharing a room with him, but we cannot move him in there just yet, as he does not sleep through the night. Fledgling Sparrow will be starting school next week, and she cannot afford to lose any brain cells through lack of sleep, as god knows she has few enough to begin with ("Honor Student," my petunia; Honor Students don't have to know shit nowadays, I guess). She will be applying for college in just a couple of years, and if we have any hope of getting her out of the house, she must maintain that GPA. I don't see how it can be that hard, what with grade inflation and all, but there you have it.
I didn't even attempt to quiet down Nestling Sparrow last night. I got him up and brought him out into the living room at 4 in the morning, so the Spouse Sparrow could sleep. I figured he could sit on my lap, while I surfed the Net.
Monstee, I have to give you a shout-out. I didn't get a chance to read your blog at all, but your Cave is fucking brilliant. The Nestling Sparrow loved it. I was not allowed to move from your animated picture for almost an hour, so I napped in the computer chair while holding the sprog. I hope you enjoyed the conversation with Nestling Sparrow, although it seemed a bit one-sided on this end. Nestling Sparrow tells me that your picture was taken while you were in the forest, and that you are a very funny Monstee. He laughed a lot, and liked the jokes you told him. He also likes the picture of your Hatchling in ballet gear. He says she is a good dancer.
The Nestling Sparrow wants to come live in your cave with you, and as I am willing to ship him off, I think you should give me your location. If you eat the Nestling Sparrow, please don't bother telling me; I'd rather not know. I'll just think of him, all happy and laughing, while I finally lay down to get some fucking sleep.