Thursday, August 31, 2006

I need a priest

My 2-year-old, the Nestling Sparrow, is possessed.

I desperately need help, preferably of the supernatural kind, as my copy of "What To Expect The Toddler Years" does not seem to cover possession of any kind. In fact, the writers of that exalted tome are not of the opinion that my son is possessed, at all. They seem to think that this behavior is normal for a toddler, which leads me to wonder just how horrible their children are, to lead them to this conclusion. I have had a 2-year-old before, and she never acted like this. I suppose she was saving it up for her teenage years, as she is surly as fuck now.

The Nestling Sparrow has been waking up at night, between 3 and 5 in the morning, and wanting us to get up and play. He awakens with various shouts, usually at the top of his lungs, like "Hi! I Bambi deer!" (His favorite movie at the moment is "Bambi") "Mommy, I Bambi deer! Mommy, wake up!"

Then there is also the "Planets" song from "Blue's Clues." If the government really wanted to get information out of the "enemy combatants" at Gitmo, they should put a 2-year-old in with the prisoners, and have the toddler demand that those poor bastards sing it over and over and over and over.... They will crack after a few days. Believe me, they will crack.

Just so you fuckers can have this song in your heads, here it is:

"Well, the Sun's a hot star, and Mercury's hot, too! Venus is the brightest planet, and Earth's home to me and you! Mars is the red one, Jupiter's most wide! Saturn's got those icy rings, and Uranus spins on its side! Neptune's really windy, and Pluto's really small.... You wanted to name the planets, and now we've named them all!"

I think it would have been better if Uranus was the windy one, but what can you do?

We are ready to kill the Nestling Sparrow. He sleeps in the same room with us, in his crib, right next to our bed. We get this song at full-force, every morning, before that "hot star" has even risen. We only have 2 bedrooms in our house, and soon the Fledgling Sparrow will be sharing a room with him, but we cannot move him in there just yet, as he does not sleep through the night. Fledgling Sparrow will be starting school next week, and she cannot afford to lose any brain cells through lack of sleep, as god knows she has few enough to begin with ("Honor Student," my petunia; Honor Students don't have to know shit nowadays, I guess). She will be applying for college in just a couple of years, and if we have any hope of getting her out of the house, she must maintain that GPA. I don't see how it can be that hard, what with grade inflation and all, but there you have it.

I didn't even attempt to quiet down Nestling Sparrow last night. I got him up and brought him out into the living room at 4 in the morning, so the Spouse Sparrow could sleep. I figured he could sit on my lap, while I surfed the Net.

Monstee, I have to give you a shout-out. I didn't get a chance to read your blog at all, but your Cave is fucking brilliant. The Nestling Sparrow loved it. I was not allowed to move from your animated picture for almost an hour, so I napped in the computer chair while holding the sprog. I hope you enjoyed the conversation with Nestling Sparrow, although it seemed a bit one-sided on this end. Nestling Sparrow tells me that your picture was taken while you were in the forest, and that you are a very funny Monstee. He laughed a lot, and liked the jokes you told him. He also likes the picture of your Hatchling in ballet gear. He says she is a good dancer.

The Nestling Sparrow wants to come live in your cave with you, and as I am willing to ship him off, I think you should give me your location. If you eat the Nestling Sparrow, please don't bother telling me; I'd rather not know. I'll just think of him, all happy and laughing, while I finally lay down to get some fucking sleep.

Fat Sparrow


Foot Eater said...

Do not trust the Monstee. He is Beelzebub, Memnoch, Mammon, Old Nick incarnate. He is evil.

Then again, I'm hardly one to be giving advice. I'm watching your blog to get some tips for when I have children in 1.5 to 2 years, if all goes according to plan.

Perhaps I can offer some useful advice. The Emerald Bile is an exceedingly hard nut to crack. The tolerance level of its proprietors and its commenters is extremely low. You are a clever writer, and it shows in your recent comments there. Beware. This is potentially fatal. You are only allowed to be clever on the Emerald Bile once you have been accepted into the fold. Philip Challinor is a very clever, erudite commenter who is also a deliberately pedantic pain in the arse. He is tolerated on the Bile because he's a long-term commenter and has got himself linked there, an accolade more valuable than gold-dust. Arlington Hynes (HA HA HA of the Bogol blog) told me in an email that he battled for months to get himself linked. I myself am still not linked, though Noreen has deigned to comment on my blog twice.

I've been commenting on the Bile for about 15 months now (I used to have a different blog name) and I've been ridiculed, spat upon, shat upon, cyber-raped and been left bleeding in the gutter of the Internet. El Barbudo, who is on my blog's link list and six months ago was one of the most ppular bloggers in our little circle but who doesn't post much on his blog any more, hated me in the beginning and launched a nasty tirade against me just after Christmas which nearly drove me away from blogging altogether. But I've learned that a thick skin earns you respect in this game, and once you're accepted, you're part of the gang.

Fat Sparrow said...

Fuck me, you're reading my blog for child-rearing advice? I hope you make enough money to pay for the therapy the little buggers are going to need.

Me! said...

The only advice I have is ....Get him out of your room pronto!!!!!!

Firstly, all children have the ability to be devil spawn. As soon as you think they're brilliant, all of your hard work is paying off and you have the epitomy of a well behaved child, they go and rip the neighbours dogs head off (or so some other terible thing.

Secondly, Blue's Clues should be banned for sending copious amounts of parents (already on the edge) insane.

Fat Sparrow said...

Well, where the fuck am I going to put him? We only have the two bedrooms, and I can't exactly chain him in the yard, as the neighbors will complain about the howling.

And yes, you think the little buggers aren't going to grow up to be ASBO's, but all you can do is hope. If they turn out to be brilliant, you take all the credit. If they turn out to be fucked up, you just blame it on your spouse. Ooops, wait... I meant "society." Yes, society, and certainly not my lovely spouse, who reads this blog.

"Blue's Clues" doesn't do my head in as much as "Bob the Builder," which, in the American version, has extremely irritating voices. Fuck me, but that show is lame.

Me! said...

My god! Why did they fuck with Bob? His voice is part of his charm.

If my children ever fuck up then I blame the in laws who are severly demented. It's got to be the genes!

Put him in with his sister. She'll complain but at least you can have sex without and audience. That is unless you prefer an audience?

Fat Sparrow said...

Me! -- I've never heard the original voice, so I couldn't tell you. The guy that does the voice for Bob here in America is Greg Proops. He kinda sounds like Fred from the B-52's. Definitely not very manly for a builder, if you know what I mean. Bob now sounds as if he should be in the Village People.

An audience for sex? Is Hugh Laurie available? Of course, he'll have to stay in character, as Dr. House.