Saturday, August 26, 2006

Segue to Segway

Segway has released its new models, including one that's supposed to be the equivalent of an SUV, with 4-wheel-drive. Someone should tell them things with 4-wheel-drive are supposed to have four wheels. I would have thought that one was kind of a no-brainer. The new models of Segways even come with an alarm, although the spokesperson said Segway thefts are not generally a problem. Imagine that, no one wanting to steal a Segway.

Segway insists that they are doing quite well financially, although they will not release any financial details of their company. I cannot believe that they are doing all that well, because who the fuck would buy one of these things? The inventor, Dean Kamen, obviously does not understand the American market. The only people who can ride Segways are young, fit people; the same kind of people who make a fetish of exercise, and ride bikes when they have cars that work perfectly fine. They are not likely to ride something that will not tone their butts, and makes them look like a doofus, besides.

If Segway wants to corner the American market, they should not charge $6,000.00 (which is the price of a small car, for fuck's sake) for something that does not have a seat, and will not keep the rain off of you. If they want to succeed, Segway should study the Personal Scooter and "Power Chair" market, which is booming in America.

Personal Scooters have become very, very popular amongst the fat and unhealthy geezer crowd. Personal Scooters have seats, and they make them in heavy-duty models, which is important, as Americans are big fat fucks, and they have baskets on the front and back, so you have someplace to stash your cigarettes and oxygen tanks while you mow down young people on the sidewalks. You can drive them with one hand, so that you can easily flick your cigarette butts down when you have finished. If you have a Personal Scooter, you can board the bus first, and take up the entire front half, while giving dirty looks to all the people who are still relatively skinny enough to walk.

Personal Scooters are also very popular in stores, such as Wal-Fuck, who provide them for their "disabled" customers to use while shopping. It is quite amusing to see the fat, wheezing white trash customers fight to get one on a Saturday, as there are usually only 2 Personal Scooters per store.

It is truly amazing that now, in America, you can be considered disabled just because you ate your way to a weight of 500 lbs., and cannot be arsed to diet or exercise. These people act as if they are so put upon, claiming that the airlines, movie theaters, public transportation systems, and McDonald's are discriminating against them because they do not have seats big enough to fit their wide-load asses. These lardos get really cranky about it, too. I thought fat people are supposed to be jolly. Making average-weight people afraid of you is not likely to help your cause. The only reason skinny people accommodate these fatties at all is because they are afraid of being eaten. In the back of their heads, every time they see a fat person, they hear Fat Bastard yelling "Get in my belly!" and they want to back slowly away, so that they are out of arm's reach. Unfortunately, with the advent of Personal Scooters, the fat people can now chase them down, and eat them.

I think fat people should have more sports that they can participate in, other than eating contests, which are always won by some Jap that maybe weighs 90 lbs. dripping wet, and I think they should copy the Segway people, who have invented "Segway polo." The fat scooter people can play polo with hooks instead of polo clubs, and use doughnuts instead of polo balls. Breaks will be allowed for cigarettes and oxygen tank recharging. It will be very patriotic, as only Americans will be fat enough to join. Sign up now.

Fat Sparrow


Old Knudsen said...

Remember how we first beat the Daleks when they invaded?, as long as these fat fuckers can't climb stairs in these chariots of lard we'll be safe for now.
Now the Sinclair C-5, no idea why they didn't sell either.

Anonymous said...

Those stupid fuckers in Hezbollah were going on about how they have defeated Israel and America, and have emerged victorious from this whole Lebanon thing. They were handing out money right and left (on camera, of course; it's no use doing good deeds unless you get some media mileage out of it) to all their supporters whose houses got bombed, and tallying it all up on a laptop. The part that really chapped my thighs is that they were handing out American money, hundred-dollar bills. If you had any sort of economy at all, you would not be using American money. You fucking hypocrites! How dare you slag off America, and then use American money?! I suppose handing out camels is unwieldy, so they must resort to using our fucking money.

And then to add insult to injury, those fucking bastards are using a laptop! They continually badmouth America and Western culture, and all you see on TV are terrorist-voting sand niggers using American and Western technology. Get out of your cars and fucking walk if you don't like Western technology. Get rid of your toilets, and go shit in a bush. Take down your fucking websites. Get off your cell phones, and put your iPods away. You are not "using our own technology against us," as some of those dumb shites like to say. Unless you are planning on blowing up toilets and iPods, and you only have them to study the technology, you are self-centered capitalist consumers, just like all us Americans you supposedly hate. I just know all these Hezbollah leaders have houses that are totally awash in American technology, and they're all secretly hoping they'll get featured on "Cribs."

I hope that stupid Hezbollah cunt that was using the laptop had a Dell, and I hope that the batteries exploded, violently gelding him. And then, when he goes to the hospital, I hope they rub cattle dung on the burns, and refuse to give him antibiotics. Kiss my American fucking ass, you sheep shagger.

I hope you get bombed back into the Stone Age, you stupid fucks, not that I am bitter.

Fat Sparrow

Fat Sparrow said...

Fuck, I'm brilliant. Thanks for reminding me, Anonym-ass.