Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Spouse Sparrow says: Bugs go crunch

My wife has a bug phobia. "How does she smell?" "Terrible!" ha ha ha!

Hold on, no really, about the phobia.... I have learned what certain yelps from another room mean. A short one followed by silence is just an accident like dropping something, a highly excited one is a bug but I'm safe, any more than one of those yelps is my 911 from her, I must bravely go and kill some bug with extreme prejudice.

I never know what it will be until I get there. Here in So Cal there are so many bugs, and a lot of them want to eat you. Wolf spiders will chase you given the chance, and they can get quite big. If it's in my house it's fair game to kill; they don't mind biting me when I'm sleeping.

There are several bugs that she doesn't mind. I believe this is because of the cute names and Disney making them cute. In Britain they are called "ladybirds," here in America, it's "ladybugs." Sure they have cute spots, and there are endless children's books on them, but these little f**kers are cannibals. My wife chooses to over look that, oh and the fact they are beetles. She likes butterflies (I mean who doesn't?), but moths can all die. I tried calling them "nocturnal butterflies," but who will buy that?

In Britain we call them "woodlice." Nothing with the name lice can be good, unless you give them an image makeover in America and call them "rolie-polies," then they are just huggable.

I don't like bugs much myself, but lifting things and killing bugs, that's why man was created.

Spouse Sparrow


Kieran said...

Damn Right. And opening stuff, we're pretty specialised in that department too.

You see, you think it's stressful having to battle insects that can, and probably ultimately will, kill you, but you've forgotten the harrow that is September in the UK. Three words: Daddy Long Legs. Or Waggly Snag Twats as they're known in the US. These evil little pricks just come out of no where, bang aimlessly, but repeatedly, into your tv and lampshade and REFUSE TO DIE. And when you're asleep they get in your mouth. And possibly interfere with you sexually, although there's no evidence for that, but I wouldn't put it past the sneaky twats.
You're lucky you are.

johnnyboy said...

Daddy long legs that fly into lampshades ? Dude that's nothing, here I've got millipedes trying to insert themselves into my urethra.

Well, not every day - only when I skip my meds.

Old Knudsen said...

Well, I've got 2 footlong worms coming out of my body not trying to get in, you could make a movie about me having a shite, 'snakes on a turd'.

Spouse Sparrow said...

Kieran, If Daddy Long Legs' (or Crane Flies as my wife knows them) "interfere" with you while sleeping, then perhaps my Uncle Sammy was as innocent as he claimed; that could be embarrassing.

Johnnyboy, Having had a nurse who was pee crazy threaten me with a catheter once, you totally made me cringe. And "millipede"? Have you gone all metric while you're over there? I take nothing less than an inch-worm up mine.

Old Knudsen, Why aren't you dead yet?

I had an inch long Tiger Mosquito land on my arm, and as I watched in paralyzed fascination it pierced me with its proboscis. I felt used and violated, the bugger never called me.

johnnyboy said...

You need to exact revenge. Next time a mosquito penetrates you with its proboscis, gently but firmly squeeze your skin on either side of it - initially excited by how tight you are, the violator will realize too late that he cannot free himself, and that his hot sucking action cannot be stopped until he explodes in a bloody climax.

I swear it's true. I'm from canada, where mosquitoes are plentiful, and so is free time.

Fat Sparrow said...

(nods wisely) Yep, Johnnyboy, I've used that technique many a time myself. Oh, wait, you're talking about mosquitos. Ooops. Sorry. Never mind!

Spouse Sparrow said...

Johnnyboy, Your mosquito revenge is a little too, shall we say... "invasive." I tend to lash out with my fist, yelling "F**k off!" while at the same time leaping back 3 feet. This method comes in handy in many of life's situations.