Wednesday, October 04, 2006

You paid how much for that weed? You're a fuckwit

The Fledgling Sparrow's high school likes to mail out "informative" monthly newsletters to keep the parents apprised of what their kid's school is up to. This month is "Drug Awareness Month" or some such crap, and the newsletter asked us parents to talk to our kids about marijuana.

Fuck's sake, I've been talking to her about all sorts of things, for ages, and it just goes in one ear and out the other. It's practically impossible to talk to an Honor Student. But what the hell, I'll give it the ol' college try once again.

"Right," says I to the daughter. "The principal of your school, the nosy bastard, apparently can't be arsed teaching you kids about marijuana, so we're supposed to talk to you about it."

The Spouse Sparrow looks up from his writing at this statement from me. I get the message. "Okay," I tell him, "So you don't want to talk to her. Can't blame you one bit. But I suppose that just leaves me, then."

I direct my attention back toward the teenager, who already has that standard glazed look in her eye, and is fiddling with her earring and twirling her hair.

"So, you remember that marijuana is also called 'pot,' right? And it's the dried leaves of a plant?" I start in, hopefully.


"Before it's dried, it kind of looks like the leaf on the Canadian flag," the husband chimes in helpfully. The kid's face shows a spark of enlightenment. Spouse Sparrow is always good at finding something explanatory that's within the teenager's frame of reference.

Encouraged, I start in again. "Okay, well, here's the deal. Don't buy the loose stuff in the bag. That's called 'shake,' and unscrupulous salespeople cut that with oregano, to maximize their profits, because dumb kids like you can't tell the difference."


"Yes. Shake is the really dried leaves that have fallen off the 'buds.' They lack resin, and it's the resin that holds the active ingredient of marijuana, so to speak."


"Yes, the buds are the dried up leaf wads of the marijuana. It's the good stuff. Don't buy shake, it's the leaves that have fallen off the bud. And, even if the buds looks good in the bag, take it out and sort it, to be sure. Otherwise, you end up paying for seeds and stems, that the dealer included just to boost the weight."

"Seeds and stems are bad?"

"Yes, just like buying most produce, you don't want to pay for a bunch of seeds and stems. You want the actual product, not the leftovers."

The Fledgling Sparrow turns to the Spouse Sparrow and says, "Do I want to know how Mom knows all this?"

"Probably not," says the husband.

The Fledgling Sparrow returns her so-called "attention" to me. "Okaaaaayyyyy, anything else?"

"Yes. Don't buy pot, or I will personally kick your shit in. Especially, don't buy it from anyone at school. If they're selling at school, they're a narc. Surprisingly enough, real stoners don't spend a lot of time in school. Also, never smoke anything someone offers to you, just you alone, for free. There's sure to be something weird going on. They're trying to get in your pants, or it's laced, or something. If it was good shit, they'd be hoarding it."

"Yeah, okay. Is that all?"

"Yep, that should do it for now," I reply, feeling all kindly and motherly now.

It should be a fun time at the old homestead when they ask us parents to discuss IV drugs.

Fat Sparrow


Annie said...

Aww, that just makes me all misty-eyed, Fat Sparrow.

I had a similar talk with my teenage daughter and she now has a button on her jacket that says, "My Mom Smokes Pot," but she would never touch the stuff. They must have switched her at the hospital.

Devin said...

I think I jusy broke my fucking spleen from laughing.Nice one.Great blog btw I haven't snorted this much while laughing since that night we watched "Father Ted" over at Pablo Escobar's gaff.Rapid.

Kieran said...

Top of the league - you've shot to the top of the league with this un! Your such a good mother it makes me weep. Whenever I was naughty at school my teachers used to make me do lines on the blackboard. They called it 'chalk'.

Fat Sparrow said...

Annie -- The really funny thing is, I don't smoke pot. I'm slightly allergic to it, and it makes me sneeze. That being said, I had a lot of stoner friends back in the day. Some with advanced degrees, or, "What else could you do with a Poli Sci Ph.D. other than deliver for Domino's?"

Devin -- Why, thank you! Watch that spleen, though. I know those can be surgically removed (along with other things, hmmm?), but spleens are kinda useful.

Kieran -- Awww, you big sweetie! Monstee has said that I am single-handedly setting parenthood back to the Dark Ages, but I'm pretty sure he secretly wants me, just like everyone else, don't you know.

Anonymous said...

I gasp - huhhhh! - in admiration at your parenting skills. Keeping it real for the homies, etc.

There's no such thing as weed here really, with the old hash being so prevalent. And the heroin, of course.

Andraste said...

Well, I'm not surprised that I'm not the first to say, "WELL DONE."

This is not only a spectacular, and informative post, but it's an inspiration. I shall try to remember all this for when I have spawn. True wisdom.

I've learned a thing or two myself, truth be told.

Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

"but I'm pretty sure he secretly wants me, just like everyone else, don't you know."

My darling, I want you now and I don't dig chicks, to use an unfortunate figure-of-speech.

And very informative I might add. I didn't know any of that stuff about the buds and things. I'm one of the few people I know who has done almost no drugs at all, apart from the occasional hash brownie. When I was in my teens and early twenties I foreswore tham all because I was terrified I'd flip some switch in my brain and end up a nutter like my mother. (I'd read somewhere that could happen)HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. That laugh was wholly without mirth. Oh the capricious ironies of life! As it turns out my doctor says a small amount of marijuana can be useful for some phases of bipolaritis, particularly dysphoric phases which seem to be my lot in the lst few years.

I had lots of fun of the liquid sort but I might have been having all different kinds of fun for all the difference it made in the long run. Of course, I might well have ended up one of these people with the monstrously collapsed noses from all the snorting but I doubt I could have afforded it. Wish I'd done a bit more pot though. Still, not dead yet, eh?

Fat Sparrow said...

Kav -- Yeah, I plan on writing a parenting book any day now, as soon as I can be arsed, and after I make sure the kids survive to adulthood, and all. Be rather embarrassing if they didn't.

Hash is kinda pricey over here, and heroin is so over. Pot remains popular, no matter what the year, though.

We have massive tracts of undeveloped, wild, hard-to-get-to, seriously mountainous land here in So Cal, in the form of state and national parks, and perfect growing weather, so at least four times a year there's something in the news about how someone found acres and acres of pot being grown on government land. The really sucky part is that the growers often booby trap it, so innocent hikers really have to beware.

Andraste -- "I've learned a thing or two myself, truth be told."

Ha, you should take me with you when you buy a car. Intimidating your average small time drug dealers, and getting the price down is easy. Making car dealers cry is an art.

But goodness, I'm just a dabbler. That's just the basics you need for buying pot.

My friends are true connoisseurs. We're talking people who fire up the bong with distilled ice water, and go "Ah, Thai Stick. South side of the field, vintage 1997. A good year, if a little dry."

Sam -- "And very informative I might add. I didn't know any of that stuff about the buds and things. I'm one of the few people I know who has done almost no drugs at all, apart from the occasional hash brownie."

By the time I was old enough to drink legally, I was a total burn-out. For my 21st birthday, my parents got me a card that said "Congratulations! Now you actually are the age your fake I.D. says you are!"

Everyone reacts differently to different drugs, plus, it's not like there's quality control on street drugs, so don't necessarily go by what your doctor says. It's not like drinking, where you have the alcohol content as a known quantity.

That being said, some things can be helpful. They sort of reset your trip-switch, flip your circuit breaker, etc. The problem is that you don't necessarily know what it is being reset to. It's kind of a roll of the dice.

Rob7534 said...

Oh! Fuck me!

I'd go straight for you Mrs. Fat Sparrow! Really I would!

Excellent post, MOST excellent.

In fact, I'm going to steal it!

Fat Sparrow said...

Hahaha, Old Knudsen will be so jealous!

Old Knudsen said...

He already turned down my marriage proposal, hes just so fickle.

Michael said...

Just came by from Rob-Damnit!

What a great introduction, now I guess I'm gonna have to go back and read EVERYTHING you've written! Like I don't have enough to do as it is anyways!

Fat Sparrow said...

"What a great introduction, now I guess I'm gonna have to go back and read EVERYTHING you've written! Like I don't have enough to do as it is anyways!"

Hahaha, fresh meat! Er, I mean, "A new reader! How nice to meet you!"