The Fledgling Sparrow's high school likes to mail out "informative" monthly newsletters to keep the parents apprised of what their kid's school is up to. This month is "Drug Awareness Month" or some such crap, and the newsletter asked us parents to talk to our kids about marijuana.
Fuck's sake, I've been talking to her about all sorts of things, for ages, and it just goes in one ear and out the other. It's practically impossible to talk to an Honor Student. But what the hell, I'll give it the ol' college try once again.
"Right," says I to the daughter. "The principal of your school, the nosy bastard, apparently can't be arsed teaching you kids about marijuana, so we're supposed to talk to you about it."
The Spouse Sparrow looks up from his writing at this statement from me. I get the message. "Okay," I tell him, "So you don't want to talk to her. Can't blame you one bit. But I suppose that just leaves me, then."
I direct my attention back toward the teenager, who already has that standard glazed look in her eye, and is fiddling with her earring and twirling her hair.
"So, you remember that marijuana is also called 'pot,' right? And it's the dried leaves of a plant?" I start in, hopefully.
"Before it's dried, it kind of looks like the leaf on the Canadian flag," the husband chimes in helpfully. The kid's face shows a spark of enlightenment. Spouse Sparrow is always good at finding something explanatory that's within the teenager's frame of reference.
Encouraged, I start in again. "Okay, well, here's the deal. Don't buy the loose stuff in the bag. That's called 'shake,' and unscrupulous salespeople cut that with oregano, to maximize their profits, because dumb kids like you can't tell the difference."
"Yes. Shake is the really dried leaves that have fallen off the 'buds.' They lack resin, and it's the resin that holds the active ingredient of marijuana, so to speak."
"Yes, the buds are the dried up leaf wads of the marijuana. It's the good stuff. Don't buy shake, it's the leaves that have fallen off the bud. And, even if the buds looks good in the bag, take it out and sort it, to be sure. Otherwise, you end up paying for seeds and stems, that the dealer included just to boost the weight."
"Seeds and stems are bad?"
"Yes, just like buying most produce, you don't want to pay for a bunch of seeds and stems. You want the actual product, not the leftovers."
The Fledgling Sparrow turns to the Spouse Sparrow and says, "Do I want to know how Mom knows all this?"
"Probably not," says the husband.
The Fledgling Sparrow returns her so-called "attention" to me. "Okaaaaayyyyy, anything else?"
"Yes. Don't buy pot, or I will personally kick your shit in. Especially, don't buy it from anyone at school. If they're selling at school, they're a narc. Surprisingly enough, real stoners don't spend a lot of time in school. Also, never smoke anything someone offers to you, just you alone, for free. There's sure to be something weird going on. They're trying to get in your pants, or it's laced, or something. If it was good shit, they'd be hoarding it."
"Yeah, okay. Is that all?"
"Yep, that should do it for now," I reply, feeling all kindly and motherly now.
It should be a fun time at the old homestead when they ask us parents to discuss IV drugs.