Monday, November 13, 2006

Spam spam spam spam!

The Swearing Lady commented on one of my posts, about fixing food: "I have never understood this fascination with "fixing food". Was the curry broken or something?"

Which got me thinking about British-type food.

Yes, British food needs fixed. I am firmly convinced that the main reason that the British and Irish have managed to take over half of the world is due to their amazing ability to eat any old shite, and not notice how God-awful it is.

Old Knudsen did a post on how the SAS bag up their shit while on a mission, so that their enemies cannot track them. I do not believe this for one minute. I'm sure this is just something the SAS tell to outsiders. In reality, they eat their own shit, so that the enemy cannot track them. These trained killers can't tell the difference between their shit and whatever potted meat they've been given, anyway. They just don't want to tell that to foreigners, as they know that we will make fun of them, and rightly so.

Now some British food is valid. One time, at band camp, before we lived in desperate poverty, we actually had some spare money, and we went to the local British food import store. The Spouse Sparrow purchased several incredibly minging things, but one thing he got that I actually liked were prawn cocktail crisps. The truly amazing thing about these was that you could actually stop eating them. They were wonderful, but after a small bag, you were satiated, and you did not feel the need to continue grazing. This was an incredible revelation for me. I can sit down with a giant, horse-feed-sized bag of American chips, and mow right through those, even if they're not that good. I do believe it's a conspiracy.

The Brits and the Irish have this amazing ability to exist anywhere, in any climate, with any peoples, and eat anything. It doesn't matter if they're having to subsist on bat guano, duck droppings, or lizard feet; they will conquer that untamed fucking wilderness and whoever is in it will be their bitches.

Minging as British-type food is, Americans could learn a thing or two from this. We cannot go anywhere without bringing our own food with us. Why, even our government, while invading some unsuspecting oil-rich country full of brown people, will look at the advance reports, and what do they see? Is it the cautious urgings of careful generals, warning that things may not go as envisioned? Is it the meanderings of some foreign intelligence specialist, ruminating on how we do not speak the language, or understand the culture? No, it is not. It is the report from the Halliburton subsidiary that makes our fine President jump out of his recliner and shout "Fuck me, they're eating what?! Sheep's eyeballs! By Jeebus, when we invade, we must build Subways!" And we do. And then we start giving them McDonald's, and Taco Bell, and Pizza Hut, and KFC. And we cannot understand why, now that those bastards have all this wondrous food, they have not miraculously converted to a democracy. I'll tell you why. It is because the sedatives that turn you into a brainless, non-voting "democracy" are in the fucking bottled water, and we have not managed to brainwash the local camel jockeys to cough up $2 a bottle for the stuff, that's why.

It's only a matter of time, though, and then we will rule the world. Burgers and fries will be served.

Fat Sparrow


Anonymous said...

I love American food. I would be a huge ball of lard if I lived there. It's very easy to get used to the enormous portions as well - I think that's the biggest problem with your food. A starter for one person over there would feed an entire family for a weekend over here.

On my first date with Linzi (which was in America), we went for a meal, and had a side-order of onion rings. They came on a spike about 18 inches high. 18 inches of beautiful crispy greasy onion in batter. Mmmmm. I can eat a lot, but I still had to put half the onion rings in my pocket and save them for later.

Kieran said...

It's because of the war. During the war we had to eat all the glass from our churches, and when that ran out, we had to eat the tar from our roads. We couldn't eat our shit because that was needed for the soldiers at the front line. Of course that all changed when the US turned up at the aftershow party with their mass produced Ford burgers.

Anonymous said...

Oh shame, shame, shame falling down on my head. The world is covered in Coca-Cola, ketchup, and peanut butter. All of this is deep fried at KFC and served with super-sized fries and torture.

Honestly the worst part about traveling is seeing what other countries stock for American goods.

Conan Drumm said...

Yea, in the case of us Irish it's all on account of the Famine. After scutch grass pretty much anything tastes good, whether it's animal, or if it has passed through an animal. Thinly sliced dried poo makes pretty good chips, low on fat and heavenly in the right kind of dip.

Foot Eater said...

We do curry like nobody else, so enough of the needs fixed guff.

Oh, and for the ultimate British food, please see latest entry posted not ten minutes ago on my blog. Please understand I'm not touting here, and I really only ask you to read it, Fat Sparrow, and not the rest of your commenters.

Fat Sparrow said...

Kav -- :::drools::: Was that Applebee's, Friday's, or Outback? It's been so long I can't remember. The worst thing about being poor is not being able to eat out.

And I heard you can take 18 inches no problem.

Kieran -- See? Anything sounds tasty after that, doesn't it?

Sassy -- Shame?! You are an American! Stand up proud, together with me and our cholesterol-choked arteries!

My cousins moved to Hawai'i in the early 60's from here in So Cal, and the family had to mail them Mexican food items such as salsa, tortilla flour, dried chiles, spices, etc. They thought they were going to cark it when they saw poi. Luckily Hawai'i has become civilized since then.

Conan -- I'm not going to ask about the dip. Yuck.

Footie -- You dumb whore, when you promote your blog you're supposed to shake your titties and put up a link, like this: "Come read at Footie's!"

And what, my commenters aren't good enough to read it?! That's it, the villagers and I are coming after you with pitchforks and torches.

Conan Drumm said...

No, no... go on, I dare you... ask about the delicious dip... ASK! Are you a sparrow or a chicken? ASK, I SAID!!

Purist said...

You're not wrong, Fat Sparrow, you're not wrong.

The picture of the soft-shelled taco just makes me want to eat it.

Purist said...

Sorry, that link again

Fat Sparrow said...

Conan -- Jeez, all right! I mean, before you double dog dare me and all.... Here I am, asking about the delicious dip.

Purist -- My computer has refused to load that page. Considering the amount of perverted crap this computer has loaded, that really is some statement on the part of my computer. I'll have to try again later.

Conan Drumm said...

It's called snerm and it involves bodily fluids (as if you hadn't guessed)- you'll need a man, and the preserved gleanings of a massive headcold.
Excite the man and blend the outcome carefully with the snot to preserve its gelatinous quality. Serve chilled and garnished with arseley.

Fat Sparrow said...

Oh, so that's what Kav was making in the shower!

Kieran said...

I'm too childish for the serious post. Sorry.

What's worse than finding a maggot in your apple?

Being stabbed.

Anonymous said...

I thought some American products had passed through an animal - no? Not even Budweiser?

Fat Sparrow said...

Sir, you are correct. Budweiser is comprised of moose piss.