Go here for "Conversations With the Spouse Sparrow, Part 1"
Me: (apropos of nothing) "Did you know that Peter Murphy became a Muslim?"
Spouse Sparrow: "Peter who?"
Me: "Peter Murphy."
Spouse Sparrow: "Not ringing a bell."
Me: "You know, Peter Murphy: Bauhaus, 'Bela Lugosi's Dead', 'She's In Parties'? That Peter Murphy.
Spouse Sparrow: "Never heard of him."
Me: (slightly irritated now) "Peter fucking Murphy, for fuck's sake, the Godfather of Goth! That Peter Murphy, you know?!"
Spouse Sparrow: (blank look on face)
Me: "Jesus, he even went on to a solo career, you know, 'Cuts You Up', 'A Strange Kind of Love'?"
Spouse Sparrow: (blank look on face gets blanker)
Me: "Are you taking the piss? PETER MURPHY. P-E-T-E-R M-U-R-P-H-Y. Christ!"
Spouse Sparrow: (blank look on face has now turned to belligerent look)
Me: "Look, have you seen 'The Hunger'?"
Spouse Sparrow: (brightens up) "That's the one with werewolves, right?"
Me: "No, doof, it's the one about vampires, with David Bowie and Catherine Deneuve."
Spouse Sparrow: "No. David Bowie movies are shite."
Me: "Awwww, I liked 'Labyrinth'. And while 'SpongeBob: Atlantis Squarepantis' was not his finest hour, 'Merry Christmas, Mr. Lawrence' didn't suck. I liked the music."
Spouse Sparrow: "No, you have to say it 'Mewwy Cwisamas, Missah Lawance!"
Me: (shakes head in disbelief) "So, anyway, Bauhaus, of which Peter Murphy was the lead singer, was in a scene of 'The Hunger'. You really haven't seen it?"
Spouse Sparrow: "No, guess not. What does he look like?"
Me: "He was in the original ad for the Maxell tapes. Not the ones here in America, but the British ones. People paid good money to import them, here, because it was... well, an import. All the cool kids had them as posters."
Spouse Sparrow: "Don't know it."
Me: "Yes, you do. It's the guy sitting in an armchair, in profile, in front of a speaker, getting blown back by the music that supposedly coming out of it."
Spouse Sparrow: "No, haven't seen it. So, what does this Peter git look like, anyway?"
Me: "You know, spiky short blond hair, kind of like Budgie from Siouxsie."
Spouse Sparrow: "Like I know what Budgie looks like? I don't listen to pop music."
Me: (thoroughly irritated by this point) "IT'S NOT FUCKING POP MUSIC, YOU STUPID CUNT! Besides, you do listen to pop music, you know you do."
Spouse Sparrow: (smugly) "Oh, really? Well, Siouxsie was on 'Top of the Pops', and if it's not pop music, why would they have it on there?"
Me: "It's alternative, you ignorant fuckwit! I don't care what they call it over there, it's NOT pop music! Besides, if you don't listen to pop music, what the fuck are you doing watching a show called 'Top of the Pops'?!"
Spouse Sparrow: "Watching 'alternative music', according to you. It's probably one of those cuntybaw things that John Peel droned on about, wasn't it?"
Me: (completely exasperated) "For fuck's sake, how is it that you can know all the lyrics to every single Spice Girls song there is, and you've never even heard of Peter fucking Murphy, or Bauhaus?"
Spouse Sparrow: (immediately starts singing and dancing) "If you wanna be my lover, gotta get with my friends...."
Me: "I have no idea how we ended up married. How the fuck are we married?"
Spouse Sparrow: "I ask myself that all the time. It seems you couldn't resist my huge cock."
Me: "Aaaarrgghhh, you always bring that up!"
Spouse Sparrow: "That's what yer ma said."
Spouse Sparrow: (eating some kind of nasty, dehydrated banana chips) "These banana chips are really good, but I worry about where it says 'Oh My God' on the back of the package."
Me: "What? Where does it say that?"
Spouse Sparrow: (pointing to back of bag) "Right here.... Cholesterol: Oh My God, Sodium: Oh My God."
Me: (grabbing bag) "That's 0 MG: Zero Milli Grams, you twat."
Spouse Sparrow: "Well, I guess that would make more sense then, wouldn't it?"
Me: "You know, Squidward on 'SpongeBob SquarePants' is supposed to be a squid or an octopus or something, but he only has six tentacles. Where are his other tentacles?"
Spouse Sparrow: "Maybe he has undescended tentacles."
Me: (rolls eyes)