Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Conversations With The Spouse Sparrow, Part 2

Go here for "Conversations With the Spouse Sparrow, Part 1"

Me: (apropos of nothing) "Did you know that Peter Murphy became a Muslim?"

Spouse Sparrow: "Peter who?"

Me: "Peter Murphy."

Spouse Sparrow: "Not ringing a bell."

Me: "You know, Peter Murphy: Bauhaus, 'Bela Lugosi's Dead', 'She's In Parties'? That Peter Murphy.

Spouse Sparrow: "Never heard of him."

Me: (slightly irritated now) "Peter fucking Murphy, for fuck's sake, the Godfather of Goth! That Peter Murphy, you know?!"

Spouse Sparrow: (blank look on face)

Me: "Jesus, he even went on to a solo career, you know, 'Cuts You Up', 'A Strange Kind of Love'?"

Spouse Sparrow: (blank look on face gets blanker)

Me: "Are you taking the piss? PETER MURPHY. P-E-T-E-R M-U-R-P-H-Y. Christ!"

Spouse Sparrow: (blank look on face has now turned to belligerent look)

Me: "Look, have you seen 'The Hunger'?"

Spouse Sparrow: (brightens up) "That's the one with werewolves, right?"

Me: "No, doof, it's the one about vampires, with David Bowie and Catherine Deneuve."

Spouse Sparrow: "No. David Bowie movies are shite."

Me: "Awwww, I liked 'Labyrinth'. And while 'SpongeBob: Atlantis Squarepantis' was not his finest hour, 'Merry Christmas, Mr. Lawrence' didn't suck. I liked the music."

Spouse Sparrow: "No, you have to say it 'Mewwy Cwisamas, Missah Lawance!"

Me: (shakes head in disbelief) "So, anyway, Bauhaus, of which Peter Murphy was the lead singer, was in a scene of 'The Hunger'. You really haven't seen it?"

Spouse Sparrow: "No, guess not. What does he look like?"

Me: "He was in the original ad for the Maxell tapes. Not the ones here in America, but the British ones. People paid good money to import them, here, because it was... well, an import. All the cool kids had them as posters."

Spouse Sparrow: "Don't know it."

Me: "Yes, you do. It's the guy sitting in an armchair, in profile, in front of a speaker, getting blown back by the music that supposedly coming out of it."

Spouse Sparrow: "No, haven't seen it. So, what does this Peter git look like, anyway?"

Me: "You know, spiky short blond hair, kind of like Budgie from Siouxsie."

Spouse Sparrow: "Like I know what Budgie looks like? I don't listen to pop music."

Me: (thoroughly irritated by this point) "IT'S NOT FUCKING POP MUSIC, YOU STUPID CUNT! Besides, you do listen to pop music, you know you do."

Spouse Sparrow: (smugly) "Oh, really? Well, Siouxsie was on 'Top of the Pops', and if it's not pop music, why would they have it on there?"

Me: "It's alternative, you ignorant fuckwit! I don't care what they call it over there, it's NOT pop music! Besides, if you don't listen to pop music, what the fuck are you doing watching a show called 'Top of the Pops'?!"

Spouse Sparrow: "Watching 'alternative music', according to you. It's probably one of those cuntybaw things that John Peel droned on about, wasn't it?"

Me: (completely exasperated) "For fuck's sake, how is it that you can know all the lyrics to every single Spice Girls song there is, and you've never even heard of Peter fucking Murphy, or Bauhaus?"

Spouse Sparrow: (immediately starts singing and dancing) "If you wanna be my lover, gotta get with my friends...."

Me: "I have no idea how we ended up married. How the fuck are we married?"

Spouse Sparrow: "I ask myself that all the time. It seems you couldn't resist my huge cock."

Me: "Aaaarrgghhh, you always bring that up!"

Spouse Sparrow: "That's what yer ma said."


Spouse Sparrow: (eating some kind of nasty, dehydrated banana chips) "These banana chips are really good, but I worry about where it says 'Oh My God' on the back of the package."

Me: "What? Where does it say that?"

Spouse Sparrow: (pointing to back of bag) "Right here.... Cholesterol: Oh My God, Sodium: Oh My God."

Me: (grabbing bag) "That's 0 MG: Zero Milli Grams, you twat."

Spouse Sparrow: "Well, I guess that would make more sense then, wouldn't it?"


Me: "You know, Squidward on 'SpongeBob SquarePants' is supposed to be a squid or an octopus or something, but he only has six tentacles. Where are his other tentacles?"

Spouse Sparrow: "Maybe he has undescended tentacles."

Me: (rolls eyes)


xl said...

I'm filing the "Oh My God" for future use!

I also like the Nouvelle Vague version of Bella Lugosi's Dead.

donn w2Nz said...

gawd I wish I could have sat in the room and watched that.

I remember the maxelll ads. I have to admit that even though I am a huge Bowie fan and I have like 10,000 songs on my playlist here with all sorts of sh*t from Morricone to BeBop Deluxe but I couldn't pick Peter Murphy out of a police lineup either...or his brother Jezuz..

hey, he's not the one night in bangkok dude? No that was Murray Head..!

hahaha..sorry, I'm still laughing

Spouse Sparrow said...

Oh yeah Peter Murphy nope never heard of him.

Anonymous said...

He invented Murphy's law?

Anonymous said...

By the way, what about Einstürzende Neubauten?

Jennifer said...

I hadn't heard about ol' Peter, but to say it's disappointment is an understatement.

If my husband knew lyrics to Spice Girls' songs, I think I might vomit a little at the horror of being married to (and procreated with)him.

Heff said...

Never fucking heard of him.

Anonymous said...

So what´s the problem?
Who is Peter Murphy and why should I care what nonsense he believes in?
On the other hand, Labyrinth was a great film - especially when Dave Bow says "Say-rah" and when he sings "you remind me of the babe, what babe? the babe with the power, what power? the power of vooddoo, who do? you do! do what? remind me of the babe....."

Living Shallow, Living Well said...

Ugh...confession- I have been to a Spice Girls concert.

I just loved them- ever seen the video for 'Stop'? SO cute.

Fat Sparrow said...

XL -- I can't believe he got me with that "Oh My God" one. And thank you for the link, I love it! I was just saying to the Nestling Sparrow that all the music I like ends up in movies or on some TV show. She said "That's because you're old, Mom." Kids, some day it'll be legal to kill them.

Donn -- At least you have the comfort of knowing that you have never been spaced out on E and doing Goth dancing, either.

Spouse -- Quit spying on me and go listen to some decent music!

Mago -- You constantly surprise me, and always in a good way.

Jennifer -- I forget where I read it, I was kinda surprised too, he never really struck me as being the religious type.

Should I not mention that the Spouse Sparrow is also a Robbie Williams fan?

Heff -- The line for the philistines forms to the right, thank you.

BOO -- From here on out, it's really going to take some work to convince me that you are not actually the Spouse Sparrow. Except for the fact that the Spouse did not know the lyrics to that song, when the Nestling and I were singing it. But it could all be an evil ploy, oh yes.

LSLW -- Thankfully I have not seen any Spice Girls video. So, what did the person have on you, to blackmail you into going to a concert?

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

I read this and started singing "Lights out! Uh-huh, flash flash flash..." and now I can't stop, even though I just realized that's Peter Wolf, not Peter Murphy.

I'm going to use that 0mg joke as my own at some point in the near future in my real life, and not give you credit. But it's ok, because we all know saying things in real life doesn't even count.

Manuel said...

he did? Really? Holy fuck that's....that's...oh my ...that's fucking awful...Murphy? I cant believe it....[runs to google]

Au Lapin Blanc said...

Ahh this was a wonderful read! It was so good I'm going to read it again and then I'll feel the need to comment and then the cycle will continue once more...

Old Knudsen said...

I new people like the Spouse Sparrow in Nam, they were always the first to die.

Fat Sparrow said...

LSLW -- Days later, and I'm still cracking up over the Spice Girls thing. I wonder if I can convince people to use my blog as a confessional?

Steamy -- Thanks to the completely unrelated way that my brain works, I now have "Hungry Like The Wolf" stuck in my head. I imagine that if the two of us tag-teamed a therapist using free-association, we could drive him insane. Let me know if you're game.

And feel free to get as much mileage as possible out of that "Oh My God/Zero MilliGrans" thing. Bonus points if you can do it in front of a store clerk, with a straight face, and get it on video.

Manuel -- I'll try to break things to you easier in the future. I can just imagine the TSA agent looking at the terrorist watch list... "Peter Murphy, huh, one of those IRA types, I'm sure... Wait, what the hell?"

WR -- Yep, that's pretty much every conversation I have with the Spouse Sparrow.

Knudsen -- Probably because they were doing The Running Man while singing Spice Girls songs, that pretty much makes it easy for the ninjas to pick them off.

Anonymous said...


Fat Sparrow said...

Mago -- !

Anonymous said...

... the way it is in the moment.

Indigo said...

Peter? Oh that Peter! ( who is he?) hahahahahahahaha



Fat Sparrow said...

Mago -- That bad? Dear gods, I hope that passed quickly.

Indigo -- I feel like the last of the dinosaurs...

Anonymous said...


Fat Sparrow said...

Now, see here, this is beginning to look like you need drastic measures. Here, have some lemonade.

Pearl said...

Oh, thank you, for some of the best laughs I've had all day.


Anonymous said...

Oh my good god. I laughed until l let out a little bit of wee.

Fat Sparrow said...

Pearl -- Ta, the Spouse cracks me up on a regular basis, too.

LoTM -- :::passes wet wipe::: Cheers, stop by anytime. I usually post once a decade or so!

Xul said...

Dude, I totally can't believe all these peeps who don't know who Peter Murphy is! I bet they never heard of Shriekback or Sisters of Mercy either. And becoming a Moose Limb? How very, very disappointing. *sigh*

Fat Sparrow said...

Xul -- Well, I suppose I shouldn't have been surprised about the Spouse Sparrow, I knew he was a disco biscuit when I married him. But still, after all these years, you would think he'd learned something!

I don't think Islam is any worse (or better) than any other religion, I was just surprised as he never really struck me as the religious type. I would have been equally shocked had he become a practicing Evangelical, etc. Enh, we all have our crazy times, I suppose. I'll not mention how I wanted to convert to Catholicism in my youth. Ooops, just did.

LDahl said...

You had me laughing out loud. oMG, I can't wait to get my sister with that one, she's a food chemist.

Fat Sparrow said...

LDahl -- Thanks! The timing is everything. I tried using it on someone myself, but my unseemly snorting and giggling gave it away.