Saturday, February 13, 2010

Did someone say they had VD?

A bit of advice: If you are a 40-year-old woman going through early menopause and also ovulating, it is not a good idea to try and sort through your children's old baby clothes. It is an even worse idea to do so in preparation to sell said baby clothes, thus permanently parting from these precious, treasured memories of your child's babyhood. Mind you, they were hidden away in the garage and then in the storage unit, but they were there, they were MINE!

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go berate my children, fight with my husband, find, slaughter, and eat some red meat, gorge on chocolate, and waste time on Facebook.

Oh, and list those baby clothes for sale.

Happy Valentine's Day.


Fat Sparrow


Anonymous said...

You sell babies? Shame on you!

Seriously. The baby clothes the ladies I was with, always were bought second hand or a gift from someone whose baby was grown out of it - it always was just clothes, and that's what it is. These small thingies are damne expensive here and all them friends were happy when they could give it and receive it. That was twenty years ago, I am a grown up now and thankfully never fathered one of them brats. I am a kind of stepfather for some.

Have chokolate with steak and a bottle of chivas and all will be good. The only thing that is left from my babyhood is a pair of "shoes" - eidieidibabyshoyshoy - my oncle made, I may be wrong.

Heavens, woman!

Grump said...

Glad to see you are still posting. I think we have a similar situation as you describe. 40s something, no period for a couple of months, looks longing at babies. What the fuck, time to tie the knot in my testies.
Woof x

Fat Sparrow said...

Mago -- You know that I already knew you didn't have a uterus, right? MEN! HMMMMPH!

Didn't you even bring me some chocolate? Or raw meat?! Do you have any idea how dangerous it is to approach a menopausal ovulating woman?!

Right, when it gets down to it, I will admit that I am a primitive animist at heart, those items have "mana," there you have it. The heart has its reasons, whereof reason knows nothing.

Grump -- If I were healthy and we were well-off, we'd be having another. But that last pregnancy nearly killed me and the sprog, so I suppose I'm mourning all the lost chances, too.

Anonymous said...

Mana ... now tell me that you studied Ethnology and read your Levy-Strauss.
I'll pack a bottle of booze, a chicken and some copper coins and sacrifice it immedeately at the altar of the Great Goddess ...

Fat Sparrow said...

Mago -- Right, you have caught me out. I am an anthropologist manqué. I couldn't get my degree in anthro because I couldn't do the math. Statistics will be my eternal downfall. Ironically enough, I had to pay for school myself, as my parents wanted me to go to college to get my MBA and that was the only way they would pay for it. Of course nowadays the only Levi-Strauss I am capable of comprehending are the ones covering my arse.

Bring the booze, cook the chicken, put the coins in the bus fare slot and we can sit around and fondle each other's frontal lobes whilst discussing culture.

Anonymous said...

Hands off of my lobulus,
or I smack you on your globulus!

I'm a genius.

Maths? I remember something with statistics, a seminar in sociology called "Empirische Sozialforschung: Statistik 1 + 2", I never understood and do not know whether I got a certificate, I believe not. But I heared sociology only en passant. The European Ethnology in these days was still known as "Volkskunde" and this institute belonged to the so called "conservative" wing of the science, we understood ourselves always as kind of historians first. Other institutes set their accents differntly and emphasized the actual social science, so turned to more actual matters and thus used empirical - mathematical - methods.

The taylor btw was a Franconian.

LiLu said...

Okay, I laughed out loud at "slaughter." Well played.

xl said...

Hope you have successfully recovered from VD.

Fat Sparrow said...

Mago -- "I'm a genius"

Why do you think I'm fondling your lobulus? And if you had told me that you spank, I would have fondled them before, you know.

I'm still trying to suss out the various European Uni systems; they seem a lot different than the ones here.

And I totally missed the "Taylor" reference, sorry.

LiLu -- Thanks! I don't eat them still alive and kicking until the painters arrive. When I'm just ovulating, I still have enough kindness left in me to kill them first.

XL -- I got a cream for it, thanks.

I'm sorry I haven't been round to visit your blog; I have just been swamped with trying to get my life sorted out enough to move to a different continent. I think the term for it is "incontinent."

Anonymous said...

"various European Uni systems"
They were pretty different, but with the latest reforms everywhere these useless "Master"-degrees are installed, and the baccalaureati we did not have here. At least on the continent, the British Islands may have had another system.
Actually in Germany it is chaos, and the chaos will increase because in the coming year two "Jahrgänge" (classes? sorry) will hit the university at once, yes the school system was also "re-organized".
I am not generally against re-organization and embetterment, but these changes were implemented too fast and not fully thought through. The result is that the academic head honchos do admit openly and pubicly, that two generations of students were ruined - "verschlissen" was the word the sucker used. That is what you call a kind of canvas or a piece of textile when it becomes weak and worn and brakes into pieces ... The poor sods had no chance here, only in another country like Austria, Switzerland, France, England, Italy or Spain. Poland or Hungary were better places to study.

You want to study again?

Fat Sparrow said...

I'd like to go back to school, yes, but most days I don't know my lobulus from my globulus, so I'm not sure how well I will do. I know that being under a lot of stress for the last few years has really done a number on my brain, and it has been scientifically proven that long term severe depression causes severe memory problems (they didn't need to fund a study, I could have told them that one for free), which I definitely have.

I have come to the slow realization that I am not the brainiac I once was, and I had to admit to myself that I have a hard time dealing with the mundane chores of life without the Spouse Sparrow there to help me and remind me. It was really hard for me to admit, as once upon a time I was not only a single mom, but a single mom who worked two jobs and went to college, besides. I'm not sure I could hold down one job now, and if I could, it couldn't be anything more complicated than "Do you want fries with that?" But hey, "Do you want fries with that?" would be a start.

And maybe after, if I can do that, I can think about going back to school.

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

Yeah - I think that's what my mom did and now she won't stop nagging me to have 'grandkids' - by which she means, she wants me to have babies so that she might have grandkids.

Were the Haitians not so tight on security now, I'd buy an orphan for her for her birthday and shut her up.

Anonymous said...

One double dripper, extra pommes mit mayo and the big burp lemonade: Carrieres started this way!
And ended.

Anonymous said...

Where are you?

Jennifer said...

Good grief, do I feel like the new kid who arrived late to the party.

I got weepy after washing my unborn son's clothes in Dreft. I get weepy every six months or so when I go through his clothes and toys to weed out what he's outgrown. And I get weepy at the prospect of his room smelling nasty from dirty clothes and jizz soaked tissues.

I'm not anywhere near where you're at and I feel your suffering.

Fat Sparrow said...

Mermaid -- Buy her a puppy that's not housebroken, it'll keep her occupied. Preferably a large breed, as then it will move on to eating her couch and rug, which will also keep her occupied. I'd recommend a Labrador, they have a digestive system like a goat and yet look so sweet and innocent that you just have to keep them. Then again if you go for a small-breed puppy, your mom can dress it in your old baby clothes.

Mago -- I'm silently stalking your blog, and dicking around on Facebook. Why haven't you joined?! Has the Spouse Sparrow not convinced you of the joys of Facebook yet? Or at least tried to recruit you for his Mafia?

Jennifer Imagine if you had never got rid of anything, and your oldest kid was 18-and-a-half. Damn those Depression-era relatives of mine, I kept everything. Mind you, it was useful when, 12 years after the first kid, I had another kid, but I am a sentimental idiot. I found another box of my 18-year-old daughter's baby clothes in the storage unit (it was mislabeled) and I still can't bear to go through it to sell stuff. And yes, it is all still in perfect condition.

I have saved hair clippings and baby teeth but I think I will draw the line on the jizz-soaked tissues. That one had me rolling! I have finally realized that there is something that I won't be saving. The Spouse Sparrow will be so happy when I tell him!

I still have the umbilical cord stumps, though.

Anonymous said...

NO to facebook.

Anonymous said...


Anvbody HOME?

Fat Sparrow said...

I'm here! I'm defending Han Solo over on Facebook, an issue of utmost importance! :::whispers subliminally::: Joins us, join us, you know you want to...

Anonymous said...

What is Han Solo? Sounds like a wanker ...

Fat Sparrow said...

Han Solo won't have to masturbate while I'm around. My childhood crush! See, Facebook covers all the important topics, like who would win in a fight, Christopher Lee's Dracula, or Darth Vader? These are the important issues of our time!

:::whispers subliminally again::: Join us, join us...:::

Anonymous said...

I love yah!

No way to make me join this thing. I am really eager to see you coming to Europe: Have you been already there?

Fat Sparrow said...

Damn, I thought for sure that important "Star Wars" argument would get you to join!

Is Northern Ireland really "Europe"? Someone had better tell the UK, they seem to think otherwise.

No, I've never been. I'm a sad, provincial American, the only foreign country I've been to is Mexico, and that doesn't count as it's practically our backyard, and also half of Mexico is here in Southern California, besides.

Soooo, you going to come see us in Northern Ireland? I would lie and tell you it's all cultured and thing but I believe you already know better, ha.

Anonymous said...

Northern Ireland? Where the bombs grow on trees? Ireland is Europe, yes, it belongs to the union. England not so much. And Northern Ireland - I have no idea about its legal status. And no further idea too about its culture, language, literature, way of life and living. I guess they have houses now. And do fishing for a living. I wish you luck. From a scientist's point of view it will be an interesting experience. What was the man's name - he invented the "dichte Beschreibung", dense narration (?), holy crap, the traveller, Australia - aw my head! Write about your experiences when you come there. Europe for beginners.

Fat Sparrow said...

I have hopes that one day they will learn, evolve, and stop flinging their poo. I tried to say that with a straight face, I really did.

I do look forward to being able to breathe the air and drink the water out of the tap, though. Can't do either here. That terrorist thing there scares me. Silly, I know, as the Spouse Sparrow points out we have lived with far more violence here. It's just that here, I'm used to it, dammit.

Anonymous said...

But there are no bombs exploding in Ireland - it's too expensive nowadays. Seriously: There are some idiots left, naturally, but it slowly dawned on them that killing the neighbours leads nowhere. Generally and basically in Europe there are no(t so many) weapons around. The average number of violent crimes may not necessarily be lower, I simply do not know it, but weapons-related crime surely is. We just do not shoot around here.
And astoundingly our prisons are not full.
Chatwin, Fermor ... "thick description" by Geertz was what I meant. Write: Ireland through the eyes of an American. MAy I call you Sally? Sally Mara!

Fat Sparrow said...

No, there aren't any exploding right now. Both sides have discovered that's it's more profitable at the moment to just threaten violence, and then the money pours in to Northern Ireland from Britain.

I'm used to the violence here. I don't fear guns, I've had them waved in my face in a hold-up at the restaurant I worked at, the Spouse Sparrow and I own guns, my family owns guns, I know how to handle a weapon, I grew up with it and so it's no big deal. Contrary to popular belief over in Europe, it's the people here who don't own guns legally that are the problem, and those pesky flyover states that don't regulate gun ownership very well. My car was registered, and my gun is registered. Criminals here in California usually don't bother to register either. So really, guns don't faze me. Guns are personal, and I'll take my chances with someone aiming one at me, because in my experience your average criminal can't shoot for shit. And here in the States, you really do have to look at it state-by-state. If you think less "United States," and more "European Union," you'll have a better idea of how things work here in these supposed United States. In some ways, California has more in common with the UK than we do with Nebraska or Texas. California is a world unto itself.

But special-colored lights in the bathrooms at fast food places so that people can't see veins to shoot up, like they have in Dublin? That freaks me the fuck right out. That's a big ol' advertisement that says "Hi, our government can't control our junkies, so we're letting the local business handle that." Nice.

And never underestimate the power of human stupidity, even in Northern Ireland. Religious fanatics and true believers, no matter where or who they are, don't stop to use reason. And the bombs don't always go off when or where they want. When we were living in the ghetto, we would have meth lab scares there. They go boom, too. Surprisingly enough, the people cooking meth and making bombs don't exactly have a degree in rocket surgery.

You can call me what you like, as long as you don't call me late to dinner!

Anonymous said...

Yes, it's a shame that one can not hit the shit between some burgers. In the big cities the junkies have their places and pump it on the streets if need be. I think there is not too much to control. By now the numbers of h-users are going down, it's a very small market today. By the way you know Gledwood's blog? The common things are Marie Hu, haschisch and coke, I mean any construction worker nowadays starts the Monday with a line, really no more luxury drug. To distinguish one needs to go back to Opium and mix own spiced Laudanum ... cheers!

Living Shallow, Living Well said...

At least you won't have to give birth again. Ouch!

Fat Sparrow said...

Mago -- This is Speedville/Whitetrashville here, everyone bumps meth. I've read that meth is making inroads into Europe now, I'm sure it's just coincidence that I'll be heading over at the same time. I had to Google Gledwood, I believe I had seen him around years back, but you know my memory. My best friend from college did heroin for a long time after her hip-replacement surgery, she held a job (as a teacher!) and was fully functional. I suppose I've known far more people who can handle their drugs than those who can't, and those people can take it or leave it. Having been married to an addict previously, I have issues, many many issues, so it's always going to be one of those things that I'm not comfortable with.

LSLW -- If you jinxed me and I get knocked up, I will hunt you down and stake you in the hot Southern California desert sun to bake like an albino ant under a magnifying glass. Er, I mean, hi, welcome to the blog!

Jeez, I got company, I should really tidy up the place and post something more than a couple of times a year...

northern musings said...

i am amazed that it has taken me this long to find the master of the household.. I admire you so much for the step that you are about to take, from the above I gather you have not been to the north of Ireland state of itself.. I wish you all the best and hope that all goes well in the transition and that you find the patience that you need in order to adjust to a new life and environment. hope too and am sure that the spouse sparrow is Extremely supportive during the trying months to come. It´s strange - you guys remind me so much of a duke and duchess on a trivia chat room however that would be just too bizarre. have fun

Fat Sparrow said...

NM -- Ack, more people! It's like the Wizard of Oz, you aren't supposed to look behind the curtain. Himself and I don't have much blog overlap these days. We used to, but due to a nasty blog custody issue (not really, I just couldn't be arsed blogging, and everyone else went away, too) we have divvied up the blogosphere.

No, I've never been. I'm a provincial American. And thank you for your well-wishes!