Monday, August 27, 2007

Slack bastard, with excuses and apologies

Yes, I have fucked off once again. I had planned on taking some time off, if you remember, before the Broccoli Incident, but I never got around to it. It's kind of been forced on me now.

As some of you may have guessed, my health has been crap, and I've had a lot of doctor's appointments lately. Plus, both the kids have health problems, so they've been at the doctor's, too. I also have a lot of other stuff that has to get taken care of around here, that I'm on deadlines for. I'm sorry to leave you all hanging, but I've been too tired and worn down to even visit 'round the blogs, let alone post. Okay, check.... check.... check.... check.... I believe that's all my excuses.

I'll try to visit, and post, when I'm feeling better and have some spare time again. It may not be for a couple of weeks more, however. My apologies, also, for not replying to everyone's comments wishing me a Happy Blog Day/telling me to fuck off and die/telling me to "Post something you cunt" from my last post.


Fat Sparrow

P.S. -- If anyone needs to reach me, you can still e-mail me. The Spouse Sparrow will check my mail for me, and let me know if I have any.

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

It seems like so much longer

Today is my blog day. I've been posting this dreck for a year now. I still can't believe I have readers. Thank you all.

Fat Sparrow

Thursday, August 02, 2007

109 things you never wanted to know about me

Having been tagged by NiolK, and dared by Old Knudsen to take the Knudsen Challenge, I decided to combine them, and now you get....

109 things you never wanted to know about me!

1) I went partially blind for about a month when I was 11. The doctors never found out what caused it.

2) I really, really, really hate drug addicts. This may have something to do with me being married to one for 10 years.

3) I was always the shortest kid in my class, and I was also the youngest.

4) I started kindergarten when I was 4, and got kicked out within 12 weeks. I thought they had made a mistake and put me in the Special Ed class, so to be helpful, I went around doing all the other kids' classwork for them. The school board recommended to my parents that I be promoted to 3rd grade, and go to a special school for gifted kids at a local university. Instead, my parents put me in to a private religious school. Not that I am bitter.

5) My ex-husband used to tell me I had Flintstones feet. I prefer "Picasso feet," myself.

6) I had a nose ring back in 1988. It was a small gold hoop. No one else had nose rings back then. I took it out when everyone and their grandmother started getting them.

7) I met the Spouse Sparrow on an Internet discussion group, and immediately chatted him up and asked him to marry me. We were both married to other people at the time, and lived a half a world apart from each other. These turned out to be minor complications.

8) I love to sing, but usually I totally suck at it. When I win the Lottery, I am going to take voice lessons.

9) I once got thrown out of a nightclub at Disneyland for dancing "far too sexually" (their words, not mine) to "Blue Monday." I was dancing with my brother. We were trying to show a friend of mine just how it should be done. Definitely not the most embarrassing moment of my life, but certainly one of the more bizarre. And no, it was not "that kind of family."

10) I am a Sagittarius with Taurus rising.

11) My hair is about 40% white. No, not grey, white. I dye it red. Getting white hair early runs in the family; my mom and grandma both had completely white hair before they were out of high school. Mine didn't start 'til I married the Ex.

12) I don't like muscle-y men. I prefer the slack fucker body type. Think Simon Pegg in "Shaun of the Dead." I also like what the Spouse Sparrow calls "skinny dying fuckers," but they had better have enough of a belly for me to use as a pillow.

13) I like dark-haired, dark-eyed men. Think Dave Navarro from early Jane's Addiction. Yet I have managed to end up married to blondish/gingerish men, twice. Go figure.

14) The only reason I vote is so that I get complaining rights. I dislike and distrust all politicians, as they are professional dissemblers, and if there was a NOTA (None Of The Above) option on our ballots I would regularly use it.

15) That being said, I campaigned and voted for Ross Perot, because he is a crazy little fucker, and I respect that.

16) I would love to meet Ursula K. Le Guin before she carks it, although I have no idea what I would say to her.

17) I named my daughter (well, her middle name) after one of Ursula K. Le Guin's characters.

18) I met Ray Bradbury when I was 17. It was rather surreal. I was small and young and hot, and everyone else there was geeky and male, or older women schoolteachers. He was large and old and drunk. He autographed several books for me.

19) I know quite a lot about most of the world's religions, even the obscure ones.

20) I was an Anthro major/Psych minor.

21) I have known 3 people who had their doctorate in Poli Sci, and they all delivered pizza. That was after they had their doctorates, mind you.

22) I tend to be either incredibly cautious or stupidly rash. If it's something physical, I'm always incredibly cautious. Erm, unless it's sex.

23) I do not take physical pain very well. If I am in pain, everyone within hearing distance will know all about it.

24) I tend to be very loyal, but if you have fucked me over, all bets are off.

25) When I was 11, I only weighed 55 lbs.

26) By the time I was 12, I weighed 90 lbs. The difference was all tits and ass.

27) I have been married twice, and engaged three times. I broke off the engagement with that one I didn't marry, and I hope he never tracks me down. He was a cunt.

28) I am a hopeless romantic and an awful cynic.

29) Everyone in my high school used me as their agony aunt. I cannot believe how many girls thought that douching with Coke is an effective form of birth control.

30) Speaking of birth control, I am allergic to latex if it comes in contact with my mucous membranes, and I am allergic to spermicide, and the Sponge.

31) The Ex and I split up more times than I can remember before we finally got divorced. I haven't spoken to him in about 2 or 3 years now. I am so glad to be out of the constant drama and psych ward that is his life.

32) I have one tattoo. It is on my left butt-cheek. It is a blue rose and a red rose, with leaves, and a scroll with the Spouse Sparrow's name. Getting a tattoo was nowhere near as painful as I had thought it was going to be. Compared to giving birth, it was a piece of piss.

33) I have done many different kinds of drugs, and I can take them or leave them. I have a hard time understanding how people get addicted.

34) Ditto with cigarettes. I quit cold turkey when the Spouse Sparrow asked me too, and have never had a problem.

35) That being said, if someone offers me free food I will jump at the chance. Even if it's crap food.

36) I was date raped when I was 13, and that's how I lost my virginity. I don't recommend it, even as a conversation piece.

37) Yes, I have issues. Many, many issues.

38) I carry an umbrella with me when I'm out, because I am pale and can get a very bad sunburn in less than 10 minutes.

39) My grandmother was Cherokee, and my grandad was a mix of a couple of different tribes. Not that you could tell by looking at me. White bread all around; I take after my dad's side, mainly. The Native American's on my mom's side.

40) I always laugh when I hear Prince Charles or the Queen speaking on television, because they look like my Okie relatives, and so I expect them to sound like my Okie relatives.

41) Black people with British accents also make me laugh. No matter how many times I hear it, it's still unexpected.

42) I have a love/hate relationship with Disney movies.

43) I fucking well love all the "Harry Potter" books, and would happily go off to live in that 'verse. I don't want to hear any of you Muggle cunts giving out about it either, or I will kick your shit in.

44) I'm a lot like Hermione, but fucked in the head.

45) I was really into Hinduism for a while (see #6), and I love saris and bangles and Indian music and all of that.

46) Unfortunately it dawned on me that I would never fit in, a) because I was white, and b) because while I was able to abstain from eating meat during the summertime, once Thanksgiving came around I became a ravenous carnivore. Plus I have no compunctions about squashing bugs mercilessly. Fuck, if I was a cockroach, I'd want someone to put me out of my misery.

47) I don't watch much TV, never have. I was in to "Twin Peaks," "X-Files," "Buffy," "Angel," "Futurama," "Firefly," and now "House," "Battlestar Galactica," and "Dr. Who." We don't get BBC America, though, so no "Torchwood" for me.

48) I thought Christopher Eccleston was pretty good as the Doctor. I don't much care for David Tennant as the Doctor. The Spouse Sparrow says I'm not allowed an opinion, as I'm a bloody Yank.

49) I love Jane Austen. I saw "Pride and Prejudice" recently, and it really chapped my thighs. Stick to the fucking book, you twats. There's a reason it's a classic.

50) I saw "The Virgin Queen" on Masterpiece Theater, and got the hots for Tom Hardy. I don't know what the fuck I was thinking. He was in some awful movie on the Sci Fi channel that the Spouse Sparrow was watching, called "Minotaur." That really helped put me off him.

51) I used to have the hots for Ben Stein and Dave Navarro. I know, there's no accounting for taste. The Spouse Sparrow bugged me so much about Ben Stein that I went off him. I went off Dave Navarro when he hooked up with Carmen Electra.

52) The Spouse Sparrow is very jealous, and gets a perverse pleasure in making me go off my Honeys. He has been trying to convince me for years now that Hugh Laurie is gay. He doesn't seem to get it; I don't care if Hugh Laurie is gay, I have the hots for House, not Hugh Laurie. The Spouse Sparrow doesn't give me shit about liking Jason Bourne or Spike from Buffy, as I secretly suspect that he would do them, too.

53) I am a flirter. I don't even realize I'm doing it. I've tried to rein it in, as men seem to think that it means that they're getting somewhere. In fact, nothing could be further from the truth. If you think I'm chatting you up, I am so not hot for you. If I was hot for you, I would be all tongue-tied and shy and doofus-y. If you're getting my full-wattage charm, you don't stand a chance of getting the ride. Er, Spouse Sparrow excepted. He was the only one.

54) I never pick up on it when men are hitting on me. They have to be really blunt about it and tell me "I like you and I want to fuck you." So shy, subtle men need not apply. Not that I am taking applications.

55) I am attracted to brainy men but I have found that they cannot fuck. The Spouse Sparrow is my perfect combination of brains and rough trade, my bad boy with a heart of gold.

56) The Spouse Sparrow had a dog that had my mom's name, and I had a dog with his mom's name.

57) I have this need, deep down, to fit in with some kind of group, but I have never been able to find them. Then again, I hate fucking groups and I hate people.

58) I am built for gymnastics and not ballet. I wish I was built for ballet. I can do ballet, but not gymnastics. I am not limber.

59) I am a klutz, and have been one all my life. There's a reason my parents didn't name me "Grace." I trip over invisible objects. I do much better if I walk barefoot. I used to go barefoot all the time when I was a teenager, and the soles of my feet got to be about a half-inch thick. I could walk over a long, long stretch of asphalt when it was well over 100 degrees out, and not feel the heat through my feet. I used to get detention every day in 10th grade for going to school barefoot.

60) One time when I was in high school I walked out of the locker room after P.E. class with my dress tucked in to my nylons and my knickers showing. No one told me and I didn't realize until I went to my next class and sat down on a cold seat. Nobody bothered to make fun of me, because they knew I wouldn't care, anyway. They still should have told me, the cunts.

61) I wear bi-focals. I've worn bi-focals since 9th grade. Some people take them as a sign of getting old and won't wear them, but that's just stupid, as they're damn handy. It was really inconvenient having to take off my reading glasses to look at the board, and then put them back on to copy the notes from the board, and then take them off, and them put them on, ad infinitum, so I told my eye doctor I wanted bi-focals.

62) I thought I would deal with aging really well, but now that it's creeping up on me I find that I am not. Still, no one in our family looks their age, and people who meet me in real life don't think I'm as old as I am.

63) I love Volvos. I miss my Volvo.

64) I love RVs. I am fanatical about RVs. I favor Class C motorhomes, but I am well versed in the ins-and-outs of Class A's, Class B's, Fifth Wheels, Toy Haulers, Vacation Trailers, Travel Trailers, Tent Trailers, Vintage Trailers, Pop-Up Trailers.... You get the idea.

65) I am a flake and a procrastinator. I mean well, and I get fits of energy and start a million projects, and there they sit, years later.

66) I have a very small birthmark on my right cheek. It's a reddish-pinkish dot. My mom has it and my grandma had it, too. It pissed me off because in some school photos, they airbrushed it out, thinking it was a zit, and I am strangely proud of my birthmark.

67) My parents both worked full time, and mom had to return to work 6 weeks after I was born, so my Great-Aunt took care of me. I was with her for about twelve hours a day, and she was wonderful. I used to feel guilty because I loved her more than my mom, and when I was a kid, I thought I might go to Hell because I loved her more than my mom. Auntie died a few years ago, and I still miss her terribly.

68) I miss my Grandma, too. She died 11 years ago, and I still haven't gotten over it. I was there with her when she died. I still get teary-eyed when I think about her.

69) I don't see much point in 69. Neither party can concentrate properly.

70) I had my first orgasm when I was ten years old. I multiple orgasm very easily. My record's 37, but that was on my own.

71) I would like to go on a cruise, just for the all-you-can-eat lobster and buffet.

72) I'm not a big drinker. I do not like to get drunk, and will stop drinking long before that point. I like wine, especially mead, and Midori Sours, 7 and 7's, and that's about it. I like having Bloody Marys at home, but I don't order them when we go out, as very few places have good Bloody Marys. The Spouse Sparrow and I went all through Vegas without finding one single place that had a decent Bloody Mary. Caesar's Palace came the closest, but was still piss poor, and Excalibur was the absolute worst. I can't drink tequila at all. It comes back up as soon as it goes in.

73) I used to be very in to Ren Faire. That's the Renaissance Faire, for you tourists. I dressed as a respectable peasant-type. Peasants have more fun, as we can sit on the grass and show more cleavage than the middle- and upper-classes. Cleavage is something I have a lot of, and I would put it to good use at Faire. I can just set my plate on top of it when I'm eating, and it's useful for me to take a nap on, too. Huzzah!

74) Some of my favorite movies are "Shaun of the Dead," "The Mosquito Coast," "The Year of Living Dangerously," "Lost in Translation," and "Until the End of the World."

75) I just saw "Marie Antoinette," and I am now convinced that Sofia Coppola could shoot film of someone having a shite, add a soundtrack, and I would fucking well love it. It does crack me up to hear her give direction or interviews, though, as she is so, like, um, non-communicative in a Valley Girl kind of way. How on earth does she get the actors to do what she says? How the fuck can they tell what she wants? It's all very strange.

76) I laugh at fart jokes, and am impressed by comic timing. The other night, we were putting the Nestling Sparrow to bed in his crib, and I kissed him and asked him if he needed anything else, and then turned to go. He said "Wait, I forgot something!" and then ripped off a really long fart. I laughed so hard I cried. I have high hopes for him.

77) I myself do not fart. Okay, it's kind of like that "If a tree falls in the forest, and no one's around, does it make a sound" kind of thing. But still, I fart very rarely. I read that the average person farts about 15 times a day, and I can go days without farting.

78) People always describe me as "cute." Not pretty, not beautiful, not striking, not stunning, but "cute." God must have a sense of humour, giving me a cunning and twisted interior, and a "cute" exterior, the fucker.

79) My high school yearbook is filled with "You're so sweet, don't ever change!" No, they didn't know me very well.

80) I bitch and moan about being called "cute" and "sweet," but let me tell you, you can get away with a lot if you look innocent and no one thinks to suspect you. Oh yeah.

81) I have naturally curly hair. If I get out of the shower, and scrunch it slightly, it will go in to perfect corkscrew curls.

82) It really pissed me off when "The Breakfast Club" came out, because I had red, curly hair, in a semi-bob just like Molly Ringwald did, and I DID NOT COPY HER, SHE COPIED ME, dammit. Fuck that pissed me off to have people thinking I copied her. That was probably why I started having it straightened and went blonde.

83) I dislike most types of music. That being said, there could be all kinds of new stuff out there that I like, and I'd never know, because I can't afford CD's and I can't stand listening to the radio or watching videos. I just don't have the patience.

84) The phrase that comes to my mind a lot lately is Danny Glover's, from "Lethal Weapon": "I'm too old for this shit."

85) My whole life, everyone keeps telling me to write and get published, but I know my own limitations and I really have nothing to say. I think I would enjoy being a ghost writer.

86) I admire Rose Wilder Lane, who ghost wrote the "Little House" books for her mother, Laura Ingalls Wilder. Rose led a very interesting life, and she's an excellent writer. I identify with her a lot.

87) Speaking of roses, if I'm not wearing Paloma Picasso perfume, I'm wearing rose oil as a perfume. I love roses.

88) I'm not too sure about men giving me flowers. I like the idea, and it's very romantic, but my ex-fiance used to give me flowers. I thought it was just because he loved me. I finally sussed out that he gave me flowers every time he cheated on me. He gave me a lot of flowers.

89) I am the type of woman that would appreciate home appliances or power tools for her birthday, anniversary, etc.

90) My dad was an engineer, mechanic, and all-around handyman type, and I always wanted to learn. Whenever I tried to get him to teach me things, he would tell me to go help my mother, and then he would make my brother come out to help. I finally learned to just not talk, stay on the sidelines, and learn by observing. I don't know why my dad was like that with me, as I was his favorite kid, and he definitely didn't think that chores or tasks fell along male/female lines. Years later, I'm still puzzling over that one.

91) I really miss being able to afford sushi and sashimi. I love Japanese food.

92) I have no idea what the hell I'm going to do with the rest of my life. I'm not doing anything with it now.

93) I like to play Pente. I've been playing it since 1984. It's kind of like Go. I'm pretty good at it.

94) I hate all sports, and know absolutely nothing about them. Thank God, the Spouse Sparrow is the same. I couldn't stand being married to someone who's in to sports.

95) I like archery, and I used to be really good at it. No, that doesn't count as a sport.

96) I love horses, and used to go over to my friend's grandparents' house every day to take care of their ponies, cows, chickens, and goats. I used to try to convince my parents to turn the garage into a stable so I could have a horse. I can milk cows and goats, candle eggs, trim hoofs, and do all that farm-type stuff. All of this in spite of being allergic to hay, and breaking out in large welty hives every time I touched it.

97) I am a keyboard pounder. I took typing for two years in 7th and 8th grade, and we learned on old manual typewriters. According to the Spouse Sparrow, I still sound like I'm on a manual typewriter.

98) My taste in decorating is fairly eclectic. It's like if a Cost Plus World Market truck and an Ikea truck collided and then crashed in to a Victorian library that someone was holding a rummage sale in. Most of my living room is bookcases, which are crammed to the gills. I need more bookcases, but there's no room. I don't like having my neighbors over because they ask dumb questions like "Have you read all of those?" Of course, these are people who don't own any books, or if they do own a book, it's the Bible.

99) I love "The Twilight Zone," and my favorite episode is "Little Girl Lost," that one where the girl falls out of bed and in to another dimension and the parents barely find her in time. I still get chills when I watch it. And I still cringe over that one where Burgess Meredith's glasses break, poor git.

100) I like shiny glass things. When I was 1, my mother tells me I bit into a glass ball ornament for our Christmas tree, even though I knew better. They rushed me to the hospital and I was just fine.

101) I hate to cook. Love to eat, hate to cook. I mean, I can do it and all, and fancy stuff, too, it's just that I consider it a pain in the arse. I'd much rather go out to a restaurant.

102) I hate doing dishes, too, but I'm always the one that does them, because I'm really, really anal about the dishes getting clean. I wash the dishes before they are put in the dishwasher, and I consider the dishwasher to be an autoclave. My ex-in-laws used to not even rinse the dishes before they put them in the dishwasher, and they used cold water for the dishwasher, and barely any soap, and then they let them air dry. When they took the dishes out of the dishwasher, they would just flick off the bits of dried food that were left on, and then put the dishes away. And they wondered why I didn't want to eat there.

103) I am a wanna-be artist, and used to dabble with charcoals and also with pen and ink over watercolors.

104) I suck at math. I used to ditch my math class in 9th grade to go and sit in on my friend's physics class, and then I would discuss theoretical quantum physics with the teacher. He thought I was brilliant until he realized that I wasn't on his roll list and that I had flunked Algebra I. Oh well. I ditched Algebra because my teacher was an asshole who liked to brush up against my tits while he was "helping" me, and he called his T.A.'s "Bimbo 1" and "Bimbo 2." He was also the football coach. I tried reporting him, but sexual harrassment was not a concept back then, and my counselor told me I was imagining things.

105) The only bone I have ever broken is one of my ribs. I originally broke it during a coughing fit one of the many times I had pneumonia and bronchitis, and then I broke it again during sex with the ex-fiance.

106) I started out left-handed, and was trained to write with my right hand. I still get my left and my right mixed up. Up until the time I was an adult, I could write with either hand, as long as it was print and not cursive.

107) I have no sense of direction. Wait, I do have a sense of direction, but it's the wrong one. Whenever I'm really, really sure that something is this way, it is sure to be the opposite way. I have often wondered if that has to do with that right/left mixup thing I have.

108) I am a very fast reader. And I can read upside down or backwards writing faster than most people can read regular writing. I also invented my own phonetic alphabet, that was based on the English language, when I was about 12, so that I could write in code. I had a nosey brother.

109) I have not forgotten about your tag, Devin, this one was just easier and is buying me some time, as I am a slack fucker.

Fat Sparrow