Thursday, July 12, 2007

An open letter to the dirty minger that used the toilet at Stater Bros.

Dear Dirty Minger that used the toilet at Stater Bros. --

Thank you so much for leaving the bathroom in Stater Bros. in such a state, as there is nothing I like more than to use a bathroom where someone has left a snail trail all over the toilet seat.

Even better is when it is a bloody snail trail, like the one you left when removing your tampon.

Even better than that is seeing where you have flung your used, bloody tampon, as you tried to get it in to the bin. Rest assured that when it comes to wall art, Jackson Pollock has nothing on you.

Looking at that wall, I could truly feel your state of mind when you tried to chuck that unwrapped, used snatch plug into the trash can. To you, that state of mind says "I too can be empowered just like Sheryl Crow, and not use unnecessary toilet paper." To me, that state of mind says "I am a precious fuckwit, and I think I am too good to touch anything that comes out of my body, as it is icky."

Grow up. If you don't know by now that you need to wrap up your vampire's teabag after you have rooted it out of your stench trench, you are not mature enough to be using one anyway. You weren't beyond touching yourself when you shoved that cotton version of the Hoover Dam up there, so you certainly aren't too good to wrap it up in bog roll when it comes out.

If I see you in the street, I will drop trou right then and there, squirt out my Tampax Slender Regular, and bitch slap you with it.

And for fuck's sake, wipe your fucking piss flaps already, and use more than one square of toilet paper while you're doing it, you dirty, dirty minger.

Sincerely,

Fat Sparrow

32 comments:

Grump said...

What a serve that was. I know of a guy who will only squat on the toilet not sit for fear of getting icky stuff on his bum. It was Nigel from the young ones.
I was once directed to a toilet [hole in the ground] out the back of a cafe in Thailand. What I found when I got there was horrible. They had just kept piling shit on shit. I'm weird though my first desire is to clean it all up. I could tell you about the time unblocked a toilet in Hobart, I'll leave that your imagination.
Cheers

Fumier said...

Very nicely put, FS.

gimme a minute said...

That's pure poetry, Fat Sparrow. I thank you for every one of those keatsian images.

fatmammycat said...

You really have a descriptive way about you love. I also feel I should add a resounding bleeeeee to that.

Sassy Sundry said...

Blech! Philistine.

I haven't heard the phrase "vampire's tea bag" in a really long time. Hee hee.

Medbh said...

OMG: vampire's teabag! That's a new one to me, Fat Sparrow. Too funny.
The women's restroom is always a horror show, isn't it? Visiting one brings out the germophobe in me.

EmmaK said...

Don't get angry sparrow, as I think you sensed, this lady was an artist and you just wandered in on some performance art. If only you'd have picked up the tampon and kept it in your purse, one day it may have been worth millions! You know that several artists including Hermann Nitsch exhibit used sanitary products and sell them for thousands. Just telling you that you may (literally) have missed picking up a valuable art work.

Medbh said...

The women's rest room is always a horror show for unknown reasons.

Never heard the expression vampire's teabag before, Fat Sparrow. LOVE it.

Medbh said...

Sorry, FS for the double post, I just noticed the moderation setting. Damn spammers.

Fat Sparrow said...

Grump -- "I'm weird though my first desire is to clean it all up."

You can probably get therapy for that, you know.

I do not approve of seat-hoverers, as they tend to spray piss and pebble-dash the seat, and leave the next person to clean it up. They should be killed.

Fumie -- "Very nicely put, FS."

Thanks! I'm constantly amazed at how classy I am.

Gimme -- "That's pure poetry, Fat Sparrow. I thank you for every one of those keatsian images."

See, you didn't didn't need to go to France to get yourself some culture, after all.

FMC -- "You really have a descriptive way about you love. I also feel I should add a resounding bleeeeee to that."

Why thank you. I wanted you all to feel my pain and disgust, smell the air of the bathroom, see the texture of bodily fluids on the tiles, mwhahaha!

And yes, it definitely deserved a "bleeeee."

Sassy -- "Blech! Philistine. I haven't heard the phrase "vampire's tea bag" in a really long time. Hee hee."

It's so gross and descriptive that I just had to use it.

Medbh -- "OMG: vampire's teabag! That's a new one to me, Fat Sparrow. Too funny."

I can't claim credit, it's been around for ages.

"The women's restroom is always a horror show, isn't it? Visiting one brings out the germophobe in me."

I'm with you, public bathrooms give me the "huhhhhhs" (that's as close as I can get to giving a disgusted shudder and a moue of distaste on this here Internet thingie). I carry hand sanitizer with me everywhere, along with wet wipes and tissues.

EmmaK -- I cannot believe that people not only get paid for that sort of thing, but have the audacity to call themselves "artists."

The next time the sprog has a diaper malfunction and does a dirty protest all over the crib, I'm gonna take pictures and sell them. I'll just give the picture a pretentious title like "A Reflection on the Bush Administration," and then follow up with "The Reality of Iraq," which will be a picture of the sprog's boke. Now, if only I can keep a straight face at the gallery openings, I'll make thousands.

Medbh -- Not a problem.

Eddie Waring said...

Try the bogs in your local Home Depot anytime after noon. The womans may not be so bad as you really don't get that many women contractors desperate to vacate their bowels of the horrendous roach coach burrito they ate in the parking lot outside a half an hour ago. Bog roll? Forget it...

Foot Eater said...

Well, it wasn't me, thank Christ. I use Lil-lets.

xl said...

*steers clear of women's toilet issues*

At a certain local major state university, many of the male students make a bee-line to the toilet stalls rather than the urinals. Being too lazy to raise it, they splatter pee on the seat. Yuck.

The best and the brightest...

First Nations said...

you have boldly gone where i did not dare to tread. but after ten years spent as a maid i am all too aware of what monsterous havoc your average menstruating sow-beast with bad aim and a case of the 'icks' can wreak in a toilet cubicle. oh lordy, oh lordy, ew ew ew ew.

Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

I have a nightmare I get every so often about desperately needing to pee and running all over the Gotham-like grit-scape I find myself in only to find progressively filthier toilets. I am being chased by slavering hounds too.

Your Stater Bros. sounds like a number three on my horrific tour, where #5 is that one Ewan MacGregor goes down in Traispotting. About #7 is usually where I wake up in the cold sweat.

Monstee said...

UGH!

Good post FS.... Me can tell cause me feel sick.

You no have these problems when you just dig holes in ground.

Fat Sparrow said...

Eddie -- "Try the bogs in your local Home Depot anytime after noon."

Hahaha, the women's bogs are usually clean in Home Depot, Lowe's, etc., but the Spouse Sparrow's commented on the men's quite often.

Footie -- "Well, it wasn't me, thank Christ. I use Lil-lets."

I suspected that about you.

XL -- "At a certain local major state university, many of the male students make a bee-line to the toilet stalls rather than the urinals. Being too lazy to raise it, they splatter pee on the seat. Yuck."

This one is easily psychoanalyzed: Obviously they have penis issues, otherwise they'd be flashing their man-meat with the rest of the piss-trough users. They feel the need to compensate for their lack of sausage by marking their territory on unraised toilet seats, which symbolizes their mothers for them.

Really, I can't believe no one pays me to do this.

FN -- "i am all too aware of what monsterous havoc your average menstruating sow-beast with bad aim and a case of the 'icks' can wreak in a toilet cubicle. oh lordy, oh lordy, ew ew ew ew."

It's truly amazing what people will do when they aren't the ones cleaning it up, isn't it?

Sam -- "I have a nightmare I get every so often about desperately needing to pee and running all over the Gotham-like grit-scape I find myself in only to find progressively filthier toilets. I am being chased by slavering hounds too."

You're far more ladylike than I am. I'd have just cut loose while on the run, leaving the hounds dripping with piss. This may explain why I have to change the sheets so often.

"Your Stater Bros. sounds like a number three on my horrific tour, where #5 is that one Ewan MacGregor goes down in Traispotting. About #7 is usually where I wake up in the cold sweat."

You got past #5?! Damn, I'd have a hard time dreaming up anything worse than #5.

Monstee -- "Good post FS.... Me can tell cause me feel sick."

If I made you feel ill, I am well chuffed. That takes some doing.

"You no have these problems when you just dig holes in ground."

Tell that to Tijuana.

matt lobster said...

Good post, but I'm going to push dinner back an hour.

Fearfink said...

I once heard a woman preach about the "fact" that if you loved yourself as a woman, you would use a non-applicator tampon e.g. Lil-lets. On pressing her for a rational argument, she said that this would mean you wouldn't be disgusted at touching yourself during menstruation. What a crock of hippy shit. This simply isn't an option if you have long nails. Stupid hippy tart. She also said that she knew some kind of Super Hippy who could *will* her menstruation out of herself all in one go, no doubt over some bowl carved of marble in time for that night's ovarian fire dance.

Fat Sparrow said...

Fearfink -- "I once heard a woman preach about the "fact" that if you loved yourself as a woman, you would use a non-applicator tampon e.g. Lil-lets."

Nice. When I love myself as a woman, I like to use something a little more interesting than a tampon, if you know what I mean.

"On pressing her for a rational argument, she said that this would mean you wouldn't be disgusted at touching yourself during menstruation. What a crock of hippy shit. This simply isn't an option if you have long nails. Stupid hippy tart."

I laughed for a good three minutes at the thought that someone like that could have a rational argument. And, duh, does she assume that women don't wash their nether regions when Aunt Flo's visiting? Maybe she doesn't, just so she can prove that she's all woman, baby.

"She also said that she knew some kind of Super Hippy who could *will* her menstruation out of herself all in one go, no doubt over some bowl carved of marble in time for that night's ovarian fire dance."

I suspect that these are the type of people who would be interested in Cherokee Hair Tampons. Excuse me, I have to go draw up business plans....

Fat Sparrow said...

Matt -- Ooops, sorry I missed you!

"Good post, but I'm going to push dinner back an hour."

Only an hour? I'm going to have to try harder on my next post.

Xul said...

Fat Sparrow, you are truly gifted as a writer. I'm utterly astounded you don't get paid for it.

Xul said...

And God help us all should this lot www.lunapads.com/ ever become popular.

Conortje said...

I feel ill

Fat Sparrow said...

Xul -- "Fat Sparrow, you are truly gifted as a writer. I'm utterly astounded you don't get paid for it."

Grossed you out too, huh?

"And God help us all should this lot www.lunapads.com/ ever become popular."

Ugh, I can remember my mom and other relatives washing out their pads, back in the day. And that "Diva Cup"? Yuckyuckyuck. Do I really want a jar of Aunt Flo's jelly to pull out of me? I'm pretty sure I do not.

Conortje -- "I feel ill"

I seem to have that effect on people.

Fearfink said...

I've just been to that lunapads website. What in the fuckety fuck fuck WHY would you want to collect your fucking lady jam in a pastic cup shoved up your noonoo ? There's even a photographic "how to" section, for the love of Mary.

The thought of washing it out and reinserting is enough to... Well. It's enough. One for the hippies, this.

Pink Drama said...

way to use your vocabulary sparrow! wooohooo! i never knew there were so many words that can be used for women on their monthlies. i'm so proud.

*wipes away tear*

Haden Powell said...

need some fuckin pictures up here to shwo whats goin on, get some of that stench trench in there lass, thats miy fucking phrasse is that an all

Medbh said...

On the subject of hippy menstrual products, I bought this book nearly 20 years ago that tells women to insert natural sponges that you rinse out or to make your own flannel pads.
Infection, sterility?
Are we in the 19th Century?
Give me a sterile, disposable tampax any day over that germophobe's nightmare. Blech.

Fat Sparrow said...

Fearfink -- "The thought of washing it out and reinserting is enough to... Well. It's enough."

Yep, there are some things that justify landfills, and easily disposable feminine products are one of them.

PD -- "i never knew there were so many words that can be used for women on their monthlies."

Not quite as many as for wanking, but still quite a few. Somehow I managed to omit "surfing the red tide," which is a shame, as it is one of my favorites.

Haden -- You slack fucker, where have you been? If you expect to see pics of slots, you had damn well better call or write and not just disappear for months.

So, how was prison?

Medbh -- "On the subject of hippy menstrual products, I bought this book nearly 20 years ago that tells women to insert natural sponges that you rinse out or to make your own flannel pads. Infection, sterility?
Are we in the 19th Century?
Give me a sterile, disposable tampax any day over that germophobe's nightmare. Blech.
"

Yuck-ick-ugh. Sea sponges, my petunia. You can rinse those things for ages and never get all the sand (and sometimes little tiny shells) out of there. Sand up my crack is bad enough, I definitely don't need it up my vag. And do I really need to make the obvious jokes about smelling like fish? I don't know what people are thinking, sometimes.

Haden Powell said...

how the fuck did yo know bout that? tat fuckin ginger cunt been talking? cant call me slack if your pissing off, anyways ive writteen now so lets have a gander at your nob hat

Fat Sparrow said...

Haden -- Your prison photos have been making the rounds on the Internet. Congratulations, you're more popular than Paris Hilton.