Saturday, July 07, 2007

I knew he wanted me

I have been trying for ages to get the ride off Philip, and finally, he has at least fingered me. I am encouraged at this sign of foreplay, but also disturbed, as it seems he is in to the really perverted stuff: Memes.

Now, quit gasping in horror. Some people just consider them "kinky."

Either way, I get to do it 8 times, and here it goes....

1) I never heard the word "fuck" until I was 12 years old, and I had no idea what it meant. I dare say I've made up for that. And to think, people say that kids don't learn anything in public schools.

2) I was a child prodigy, and I learned to read at 9 months, and could read a newspaper by the time I was 18 months old. I have done fuck all since then.

3) My pinkie fingers on my hands are abnormally short. When I was a child, my mother had to sew up the pinkie fingers in all my gloves because of this. You would think that this would have clued her in to the fact that piano lessons were not for me, but oh no, it did not.

4) I have nipples like JCB starter buttons, and I like anal sex. Those two things may be completely unrelated.

5) In my youth, I memorized the New Testament, which was a complete waste of time. I did win a prize, although I can't remember what it was. Anyway, the important thing was: I won!

6) When I first started driving, I came upon the scene of an accident on the freeway. Traffic had slowed to a stop. For 5 minutes, I looked out my car window at a severed head. I couldn't have gotten out of my car without kicking the head out of the way. I can still see that head, in my memory. It had a rather shocked expression on its face.

7) When I was a child, I read unabridged dictionaries and encyclopedias for fun.

8) My dentist tells me that my mouth is too small and my tongue is too big. I'm beginning to wonder what he has in mind by telling me all this.


Fat Sparrow

People I am fingering: First Nations, Fumie, Devin, Annie, Sassy, Gimme A Minute, and Old Knudsen. I know Old Knudsen won't do it, but I just like to finger him. Oh, and let's toss Eddie in too, as I suspect he secretly wants a three-way with me and Footie, who has also tagged him.

16 comments:

Lord Milky said...

"4) I have nipples like JCB starter buttons, and I like anal sex. Those two things may be completely unrelated."

Give or receive? I'm sorry; somebody had to ask.

Eddie Waring said...

I like anal sex.

Who doesn't? Women I mean,and gays.... not me.... I mean I like to give it....to women that is not other blokes...fuck. I know what you are thinking and you can all fuck off.

Speaking of which, just watching Brazil v Chile on the telly, Brazil are hammering them 5-0 and the commentator just said "Chile are taking a right rear ending". David Coleman would be proud.

First Nations said...

this is the second time i done been tagged with this one and it's the second one i'm doing in a comments but the first one i'm doing as a rip off:
1) I never heard the word "fuck" until I was 12 years old....
nope, that one was committed to memory by eight, thank you.

2) I was a child prodigy, and I learned to read at 9 months...
got me beat. i learned to read at 4 and was reading at college level by the end of third grade.

3) My pinkie fingers on my hands are abnormally short....
I have a gimpy triangular shaped baby toe on each foot, and i also cannot play the piano. with my feet or my hands. or my tits for that matter.

4) I have nipples like JCB starter buttons, and I like anal sex...
I do not like anal sex and i have the worlds most sensitive nipz. i cannot wear a silky bra and forget walking into an air conditioned space...diamond cutters!

5) In my youth, I memorized the New Testament, which was a complete waste of time...
in my youth I read the bible Genesis to Revelations four times in succession. i didn't win a damn thing.

6) When I first started driving, I came upon the scene of an accident on the freeway. Traffic had slowed to a stop. For 5 minutes, I looked out my car window at a severed head. I couldn't have gotten out of my car without kicking the head out of the way. I can still see that head, in my memory. It had a rather shocked expression on its face...
that trumps me. i witnessed an accident where a man got wound around the underside of a car, then a harley dresser, and then wiped across the pavement like peanut butter. i picked up his passengers' shoe from the pavement. she was already dead but her shoe was still warm.

7) When I was a child, I read unabridged dictionaries and encyclopedias for fun....
me too. and medical books with the transparencies in.

8) My dentist tells me that my mouth is too small and my tongue is too big...
tongue is fine, mouth too small. they had to remove eight permanent teeth so I wouldnt look like a silage harvester and I still had to have braces.

Billy said...

I was 8 when I first heard the word "shit". I dread to think how old I was when I first heard "fuck".

Medbh said...

Aren't you the bold woman making such shocking revelations about yourself, Fat Sparrow. Who would cop to memorizing the bible?
Thanks for sharing.

Old Knudsen said...

I'd look shocked too if me head was lying on the road. Of course I'm not doing the Meme I did a lenghty 101 things about myself which largely went ignored. No one cares about a lonely old man like me.

xl said...

"nipples like JCB starter buttons"

Nipples on a sparrow? No, no. Nipples are on mammals, not birds. Oui?

JCB starter buttons? What?

Fat Sparrow said...

Lord Milky -- "Give or receive? I'm sorry; somebody had to ask."

Erm, is this a personal enquiry, or simply to elucidate for the general public?

Eddie -- "Who doesn't? Women I mean,and gays.... not me.... I mean I like to give it....to women that is not other blokes...fuck. I know what you are thinking and you can all fuck off."

Is there something that you wanted to tell us, Eddie? I mean, you're among friends here.

FN -- " they had to remove eight permanent teeth so I wouldnt look like a silage harvester and I still had to have braces."

Hey, me too! It was 4 for me (and my sole wisdom tooth that came in at age 26, jeez). Did you have a palate spreader with a key and headgear?

Billy -- "I was 8 when I first heard the word "shit". I dread to think how old I was when I first heard "fuck"."

Really? I had heard "hell," "damn," and "shit." The first two were from my dad, the last one was from a neighbor, and I had to ask what it meant.

Medbh -- "Aren't you the bold woman making such shocking revelations about yourself, Fat Sparrow. Who would cop to memorizing the bible? Thanks for sharing."

TMI, huh? I went to church school 'til sixth grade. I was force-marched to church Sunday, morning and evening, and then Bible Study on Tuesday night and church again on Wednesday night and Youth Group on Thursday night, so my parents really have no one to blame for how I turned out but themselves. I finally went on strike at age 14 by showing up for any church event by looking as scary as possible, hence the gothness as a youth. Mom caved; I got to stay home and be damned.

Old Knudsen -- "No one cares about a lonely old man like me."

Yes, I'm sure, which is why you have more than twice the number of hits on your blog than I do, even though you started after me. Not that I am bitter.

XL -- "Nipples on a sparrow? No, no. Nipples are on mammals, not birds. Oui?"

Have you taken a really, really close look at chicken breasts? You know when you're munching along, and you thought it was a bit of cartilage....

"JCB starter buttons? What?"

JCB is a company that manufactures construction equipment, like Caterpillar. To start up the machinery, they have giant rubbery buttons, about 3/4" across by about 3/4" tall. It's Brit-type slang for giant nipples, basically. I was going to refer you to the Brit slang dictionary on my sidebar, but they didn't have it as an entry, surprisingly.

Annie Rhiannon said...

Is being fingered like being tagged?

When I was a child I heard on the school bus that Hanna Banana had been fingered by Geoffrey Robertson. I had no idea what this meant but concluded that he must have held her nipple between his thumb and forefinger.

xl said...

Thank you for the JCB button clarification. Yes, I will inspect a chicken breast more closely!

Sassy Sundry said...

Done.

Fat Sparrow said...

Annie -- "Is being fingered like being tagged?"

Yes, but it means the person really, really likes you.

XL -- "Thank you for the JCB button clarification. Yes, I will inspect a chicken breast more closely!"

Watch out for those chickens, some of them are robots.

Sassy -- "Done."

Mwhahaha, welcome to the dark side!

Philip said...

Sorry, it was a typo. I meant to tag the Spouse Sparrow.

Crystal said...

i hate memes but i kinda want to be fingered.

the closest i have ever gotten to decapitation was when i would paint barbie's nipples with nailpolish and then switch barbie and ken's heads and then make them make sweet sweet plastic love. i think probably something made me a fucked up kid.

Fat Sparrow said...

Philip -- "Sorry, it was a typo. I meant to tag the Spouse Sparrow."

Yes, I had suspected that you wanted to ride him, as well. Are you in to group fucks, then?

Crystal -- "i hate memes but i kinda want to be fingered."

By anyone in particular?

"the closest i have ever gotten to decapitation was when i would paint barbie's nipples with nailpolish and then switch barbie and ken's heads and then make them make sweet sweet plastic love. i think probably something made me a fucked up kid."

You know, it might have been the nail polish fumes. That is far freakier than anything my brother ever did to my Barbies. I am impressed.

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