Tuesday, July 03, 2007

Forced patriotism and family gatherings

Neither one is valid.

I found out yesterday that all of our little happy family plans for the 4th have been shattered. Why? Because my brother's a cunt. In fairness, it's not completely his fault, but he's still a cunt.

Some background:

I made a really dumb mistake years back, and hooked up my brother with my daughter's babysitter. My daughter's babysitter used to live next door to us, and her mom still does, although her dad died recently. My brother married her, and so now what was previously just my next-door neighbors turned in to my brother's in-laws.

Spouse Sparrow and I had planned a nice little Fourth of July celebration, just us and the kids, as this is the last year that fireworks will be legal in our city thanks to the city council, the unbearable witless mongs. I can't believe I voted for them. I saved my receipt from voting, and I am going to demand my money back, the fuckers.

This being the last year that fireworks are legal here is kind of a big deal to me, because we have the sprogs, but no car, so it's not like we can go and see the public fireworks displays. Spouse Sparrow even humoured me and splurged and bought a nice little assortment of fireworks with the last of his birthday money that his family had sent him. He set some money aside for some beer, and we were going to barbecue, veg out, and set some explosives on fire. Nothing fancy, nothing involving any cleaning of the house, or dressing up, or even wearing a bra.

Then my next-door neighbor came to the door to invite us to a party and barbecue she's having. My parents (thanks a lot for the heads up, Mom!), my brother and his wife and their three girls, the Hell Kittens, will all be there. It's right fucking next door, with all my family, and so there's no way I can get out of it. I'll have to spend all day listening to my idiot brother (we'll call him "Shane"; if you're a fan of "The Shield," this should give you some clue as to his personality, bearing in mind that Shane on "The Shield" looks like a fucking genius and a liberal compared to my brother) mouth off about absolutely everything, including all his little racist tirades and xenophobic crap, not to mention his foul fucking language (I'm a perfect fucking laydee except on this blog, I'll have you know) and I'll have to put up with all of it in the name of family harmony. I'll also have to put up with a whole bunch of stupid, forced patriotism and probably some religious crap, too, thrown in for good measure.

Now, don't get me wrong; I'm fond of my country. No matter how much I slag it off, I still think that at least we're trying, and no one's perfect, and furthermore, there's lots worse countries out there. I just don't like to be forced to be patriotic, or risk looking bad. It's like Mother's Day and Father's Day; you're over a barrel and have to pay 6 fucking dollars for a card or you look like a right cunt. It's not fair. What's also not fair is that all of my white trash neighbors look well patriotic, with their stupid huge flags and their strutting and their yellow ribbons, but none of the stupid twats vote, while I do, so who's more patriotic? I do believe that would be me, even though you won't see a flag in sight and even though I am constantly taking the piss out of America.

I have to clean my house, because the nosy bitch that is my sister-in-law will come up with some excuse for wanting to come in and poke around. I have to turn on the oven and bake a cake, even though it's going to be 90 degrees in the house before I even fire up the oven, and that's with the swamp cooler on. I'll have to smile and act cheerful and not slap the Hell Kittens when they push and shove the Nestling Sparrow, and I'll have to wear a fucking bra. And to top it all off, it's supposed to be 109 degrees on the Fourth.

The Spouse Sparrow has informed me that he is boycotting this family gathering, and I would too, if I could get away with it. Instead, I'll have to be out there, exposing my kids to a bunch of crap I'd rather they not hear, with the Nestling Sparrow picking up all kinds of bad manners and habits from the Hell Kittens, and my digestion being totally ruined from having to be around my brother.

The next-door neighbor told me that my parents are bringing fireworks, so I suppose we'll just save ours for next year and risk getting a ticket. It's not like you can see our house from the street, anyway, and ours are just little quiet fireworks, as the big noisy whistling ones scare the Nestling Sparrow. I'm sure my parents will have sprung for the really big expensive collection of fireworks, with all the noisemakers, so I'll probably have to bring the Nestling Sparrow back in the house beforehand, so I don't have to listen to my dad and my brother rag on him for not being tough enough to take the fireworks.

So much for our lovely holiday.

Fat Sparrow

18 comments:

Conan Drumm said...

Missus, I detect a loss of chirp. You need more/some (delete as appropriate) sleep (not involving meds). And Spouse could try his hand at baking. Some 'recipe' from the auld cuntry that the yanks might have to be polite about.

savannah said...

hey, sugar...i could send my kids over to deflect the crowd! what with their crazyass names ;) and wild habits...would take some of the pressure off ya and they're all old enough to buy their own beer...jes sayin...

Medbh said...

The forced family get togethers ruin everything. When my family starts that racist shit I tell them that they sound like knuckle-draggers and to knock it off, but if your brother wears his ignorance like a mantle of pride I guess you can't shame him. Spouse Sparrow shouldn't get out of it. That's what marriage is: suffering through family together.
Sorry to hear that your nice holiday will be filled with forced smiles, Fat Sparrow.

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

Hey there, that sounds like a hellish nightmare.

1) What kind of a nanny state bans fireworks? WTF? We've had three bombs this week in oxford circus and two in scotland, you don't see us banning fireworks oh no! bring them on, baby! We must be the only country that celebrates the fact our houses of parliament almost carked it by burning effigies of dead catholics and setting fire to playgrounds through ill-conceived firework shows organised by cretins.

2) 4th July - to celebrate independence - why not declare independence from your family? Change your family name, put up a sign outside your house saying: Sold and then take Spouse, Fledgling and Nestling sparrow off to the lake for a weekend? You could even hire a removal van and blame "subsidence" for the sudden departure....

Fearfink said...

Horrible awful day ahead, much sympathy.

whyioughtta said...

I guess drinking yourself to oblivion isn't an option with the kiddies, eh? That would be my first choice (not all the time, mind you...just for certain "special" family occasions).

Go to the party and pull out the full artillery of Fat Sparrow wit when your brother shoots off his mouth. Or choose that time to accidentally fire off your fireworks.

Don't, for the love of God, wear a bra. What the hell did your forefathers die for if not for freedom of the breast?!

Don't bake a cake. Bring over a few fireworks and offer them as your gift instead. They're already paid for.

Don't clean your house. See comment above re: bralessness.

You are the best kind of patriot--the thinking kind. Remember that when you're surrounded by the other kind tomorrow.

Happy 4th.

Fat Sparrow said...

Conan -- "Missus, I detect a loss of chirp. You need more/some (delete as appropriate) sleep (not involving meds). And Spouse could try his hand at baking. Some 'recipe' from the auld cuntry that the yanks might have to be polite about."

Conan, you are right. I took your advice and went to bed. My head has not been in the game lately, and this blog has been suffering for it.

That recipe idea is brilliant; I would love to see the look on the family's faces when confronted with beans and toast or Spam and chow chow.

Savannah -- "hey, sugar...i could send my kids over to deflect the crowd! what with their crazyass names ;) and wild habits...would take some of the pressure off ya and they're all old enough to buy their own beer...jes sayin..."

Right on, a rent-a-family is just what I need. And I do believe your kids' crazy ass names would be just the thing for my brother. Please tell me that your kids are imposing and intimidating?

Medbh -- "The forced family get togethers ruin everything. When my family starts that racist shit I tell them that they sound like knuckle-draggers and to knock it off, but if your brother wears his ignorance like a mantle of pride I guess you can't shame him. Spouse Sparrow shouldn't get out of it. That's what marriage is: suffering through family together.
Sorry to hear that your nice holiday will be filled with forced smiles, Fat Sparrow.
"

I don't like to force Spouse Sparrow, as I was forced and guilted to go to The Ex's family gatherings so I know how it feels. I've decided that I'm not going to stay the whole time, either. I'll plead headache (no lie, this heat has been getting to me and I think it's making my blood sugar wonky) and go back into my house to be able to veg for a bit. I know my mom and the Fledgling Sparrow can wrangle the Nestling Sparrow, so that will be all right.

Mermaid -- "1) What kind of a nanny state bans fireworks? WTF?"

Yeah, it sucks, but I'm in Southern California and more and more cities are banning them due to drought conditions. Our entire rainy season gets less rain than Belfast does on one day. That being said, it's people who are doing illegal things with fireworks that start the fires, and I can't see a new law banning fireworks stopping those people.

And it's not fair to compare Brits with us; you guys have "stiff upper lip," we have "bitch and moan." Makes us look bad, see? Someone really needs to hire a new PR person for the US.

"2) 4th July - to celebrate independence - why not declare independence from your family?"

That is not a bad idea at all. I will declare myself a splinter state and arm myself accordingly. I'm off to supply myself with squirt guns.

Fearfink -- "Horrible awful day ahead, much sympathy."

Thank you.

Whyioughtta -- "I guess drinking yourself to oblivion isn't an option with the kiddies, eh?"

Not just the kiddies, the health problems. I can't drink alcohol at all. Times like this I really miss it.

"Go to the party and pull out the full artillery of Fat Sparrow wit when your brother shoots off his mouth."

It's a lost cause; he doesn't get it. My brother's about as subtle as a slap in the head.

"Don't, for the love of God, wear a bra. What the hell did your forefathers die for if not for freedom of the breast?!"

I may have neglected to mention that I am size GG. People tend to stare if I go bra-less. Then again, they are also seemingly mesmerized into awkward silence, so maybe this can work in my favor.

"Don't bake a cake... Don't clean your house."

Too late with the cake. I did give up on cleaning the house, though. If they don't like my hovel, they don't have to come in.

"You are the best kind of patriot--the thinking kind. Remember that when you're surrounded by the other kind tomorrow.

Happy 4th.
"

Aw, thank you.

Foot Eater said...

So say goodbye, it's Independence Day,
All boys must run away
Come Independence Day.'


Thought a little Bruce Springsteen might cheer you up. You could quote that lyric at your brother.

Fat Sparrow said...

Footie -- Bruce Springsteen? You bastard, how could you? That's it, I'm offing myself.

Conortje said...

Can't you buy a cake from the store and then throw a firework into next door's house thus cancelling the forced fun. Hope you manage to enjoy the day anyways!

Old Knudsen said...

Enjoy it while ya can we want our cuntry back.

fatmammycat said...

Familes.
That is all.

No wait, I hope the 4th goes a whole lot better than you imagine it will.

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

Sparrow, I think Conortje has the right idea. Just make sure someone's there to film it for America's Funniest Home Videos.

Anyway, Happy Independence Day... oh! Wait... that's celebrating independence from the UK, isn't it? Fucksocks. Being British sucks.

gimme a minute said...

Sympathies, Sparrow. Have you considered some kind of gentle self-medication? Or if there are other Sparrows to deal with Nesting then horrible 'this is what I think of you brother dearest' drunkeness?

I'm essentially describing Christmas in the Minute's house.

Fat Sparrow said...

Conortje -- No go, as the houses are connected. It's been so dry here that the place would go up like tinder.

The brother's already out front and drinking. It's 11 in the morning. He can't handle his alcohol. We don't eat 'til 5. Jesus, it's going to be a looooong day.

Old Knudsen -- You can have it back after we're done running it in to the ground and getting everyone to hate us.

FMC -- Thanks. I had a feeling you would understand.

Mermaid -- "Being British sucks."

Take heart, there are at least 4 or 5 other countries that like you. We're down to what, Albania?

Gimme -- No go with the self-medication, due to the health problems. Then again, maybe I can have a glass of wine and then end up in the ER. Hmmm, toss-up; which is worse, several hours in the ER or time with my family?

And the other chittering birds in the family tend to defer to the brother because a) He drowns them out by sheer volume, and b) He has a penis and is the sole penis-bearing member to pass on the family name out of several branches of the family. So that should give you some idea of the social dynamics of our family, ugh.

gimme a minute said...

I wish I was the only one with a penis. The only one in the whole world.

Fat Sparrow said...

Gimme -- You'd be in demand then, I imagine.

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