Friday, June 29, 2007

Dr. Love, baby

Some of you may remember my doctor from previous posts. For those of you who are hot for her (you know who you are, Fumie), you can see her picture here again, just in case it is not stored in your wank bank. I fondly refer to her as Dr. DeVil. She is an evil sadist, an Asian with a Valley Girl accent, a clueless college post-graduate with the attention span of Dori from "Finding Nemo," and continually overbooked.

She also has a crush on the Spouse Sparrow.

She's not my Primary Care Physician anymore, but since I go to a group practice I do occasionally get her as my doctor if one of the others is not available.

The last three times I have seen her, she has asked about the Spouse Sparrow. By name. And then she blushed.

Oh, she also asks about the Nestling Sparrow and the Fledgling Sparrow, but she can't seem to remember their names, even though they are also patients of hers and she has seen them for years now. The Spouse Sparrow isn't even a patient of hers, but she manages to remember his name. I'm pretty sure the only reason she remembers my name is because I have an unusual name.

I'm wondering if this crush of hers might have anything to do with her not caring if I cark it, quite frankly. The first time she specifically asked about him, she was quite surprised to hear that he was my second husband, and that the Nestling Sparrow was a planned baby. The expression on her face said "How did someone like you manage to catch someone like him?!" Really, it was most unflattering to yours truly.

I have told the Spouse Sparrow all about it, of course. He's getting fairly used to the attention from womenfolk here in the States now, as they throw themselves at him, even with me standing right there. I mean, I am obviously his wife, we obviously have a kid together, as he is right fucking there in the stroller, and the Spouse Sparrow will still get women hitting on him in the shops. Right in front of me. Did I mention the "right in front of me" bit? Because the hotties are doing it right in front of me. I mean, I understand the attraction, really. He's cute, witty, has a really good accent, and they can see that he is great with kids and is a hands-on dad. Still, if the stupid bints could just manage to restrain themselves until I walked over to the next fucking aisle I wouldn't be slagging them off half so much, the stupid whoring twats. It's a good thing I'm not the jealous type.

(waits for laughter to die down)

Now, the Spouse Sparrow is quite shy and modest, and blushes easily. It's taken quite a lot of totty being thrown at him, and me harping on about it, before he even realized what was up. And now this, with Dr. DeVil, on top of it all.

I think that next time I have an appointment with Dr. DeVil, I will bring along the Spouse Sparrow, and then she can see him turn bright purple and stutter in embarrassment and maybe then she will go off him.

No, dammit, she will probably just think that is "cute." Fuck, she may even think he likes her.

Maybe I will just start smearing him with shite before he leaves the house.

Not that I am bitter.

Fat Sparrow

23 comments:

Old Knudsen said...

I thought Spouse Sparrow was one of my people, if you cover him in shit everyone will think hes Irish.

Lord Milky said...

She is fookin mingin'. If he's getting hit on by totty, I'm sure there is better than that.

That was meant to make you feel better by the way.

Fumier said...

Fuck, she's hot. I think I might have to have two socks with her name on.

(But I bet you're hotter.)

Foot Eater said...

then she can see him turn bright purple

Which part of him, exactly?

Sorry, that was a bit tactless considering the tone of your post. Just for that I'll punish myself by getting only half as drunk as normal tonight.

Around My Kitchen Table said...

Fancy not being able to remember your name; there can't be that many Mrs Fat Sparrows in your neck of the woods. I can't think why she can remember your husband's name so easily. By the way, please pass on my regards to Mr Imhunglikeadonkey Sparrow.

Pink Drama said...

gee, fat sparrow, i'm guessing you don't mind women hitting on your gorgeous hubby at all, now do you?

i probably would have admired the baby first, smiled at you, then hit on the hubby if i was that type of person. but i'm not, so i would have just secretly taken a picture of him with my camera phone and showed it to my friend and talked about how hot he was.

next time a skank does that, come up with some witty remark about them, for example - looking at the offender and running your hand up mr. sparrows arm saying, he's good looking AND fantastic in bed. or, he's so good he knocked me up by just looking.

The Little Cheese said...

Hey Fatty S...
Spouse Sparrow obviously knows which side his bread is buttered because you are doing the buttering baby! Stop with this doing yourself down stuff, you know you are the shit (that's good in my language). I mean, who needs a Dr when you have some hot bird at home? And if the Dr makes a play for him, you can always peck her eyes out.

Bock the Robber said...

Fucking hell. I wish I had some of the Spouse Sparrow's stuff. Cunt. I hate him.

Fat Sparrow said...

Old Knudsen -- "if you cover him in shit everyone will think hes Irish"

Prod forbid!

Lord Milky -- "That was meant to make you feel better by the way."

Remind me not to call you when my dog carks it.

Fumier -- "Fuck, she's hot. I think I might have to have two socks with her name on."

Are you trying to make me jealous?

"(But I bet you're hotter.)"

That's more like it.

Footie -- "Sorry, that was a bit tactless considering the tone of your post."

I get no respect, no respect.

AMKT -- "By the way, please pass on my regards to Mr Imhunglikeadonkey Sparrow."

I am beginning to note a distinct lack of sympathy around here.

Pink Drama -- "next time a skank does that, come up with some witty remark about them, for example - looking at the offender and running your hand up mr. sparrows arm saying, he's good looking AND fantastic in bed. or, he's so good he knocked me up by just looking."

You know, I have tried all that and they still won't stop. I'm thinking of getting a Taser, to tell you the truth.

TLC -- Yeah, he knows what side his bed is buttered on, as I like to say. I'm just worried that Dr. DeVil is trying to do me in so she can get to him.

Bock -- "Fucking hell. I wish I had some of the Spouse Sparrow's stuff. Cunt. I hate him."

Yeah, he gets that from the guys a lot.

savannah said...

sugar...bottomline..he goes home with you

but,yeah, i feel your pain, happens to me all the time too...fuckin whores knock me over to slide up next to him...and you think the shanks are bad out on the west coast? jaysus, dont bring him over here...talk about your over ripe dead ass dyed hair over madeup skank whores.. don't get me started!!!!

:)

fatmammycat said...

That is nasty. People who hit on other people's paramours right in front of them deserve a good solid tongue lashing, and not the sexy kind neither.

Lord Milky said...

Well, I tried.

First Nations said...

definitely go with the taser. women like that cannot be dealt with like normal people. the Biker does not get it and thinks i'm being all paranoid. what he does not realize is that ALL WOMEN ARE SHARKS.

Fat Sparrow said...

Savannah -- Yay, sympathy! I'm not planning on letting him travel. I'm thinking of not letting him leave the house, actually, but then there's still the women who e-mail him. Jesus, I'm doomed.

FMC -- "That is nasty. People who hit on other people's paramours right in front of them deserve a good solid tongue lashing, and not the sexy kind neither."

Yay, more sympathy!

Lord Milky -- "Well, I tried."

Okay, okay, I'll call you when my dog dies.

FN -- "definitely go with the taser. women like that cannot be dealt with like normal people. the Biker does not get it and thinks i'm being all paranoid. what he does not realize is that ALL WOMEN ARE SHARKS."

Yeah, the Spouse Sparrow doesn't get it, either. Deep down, he seems to think that women are really better people than men. No, they're not, and what's worse, they're sneakier than men.

I'm going to buy him Andron for Christmas.

Conan Drumm said...

Here's a hint... it's finally time to get Spouse Sparrow out of the stroller when you go to the shops. Other women see that and figure he can be pushed around easy. Plus he's got a proddy brogue so they think he's all old-fashioned in the morals department. As if!

The doctor just thinks he's a monumental shag since you asked for treatment for your sex sea sickness. So much motion got her to thinking and fantasising about the Spouse Sparrow...

Medbh said...

I'm with you , Fat Sparrow. I am insanely jealous and I will cut a bitch who tries to put the moves on Mr. M.

NiolK said...

Old Knudsen said...

I thought Spouse Sparrow was one of my people


I think he's accusing your aul lad of bein a paedo.

I'm going to bum spouse sparrow when I see him.

Crystal said...

i had always just planned on marrying an ugly guy.

but the smearing with shit is a great idea! now i have hope about marrying a cute one long as i have copious amounts of shit available.

you're a frwaking genius.

i hate competition.

Sassy Sundry said...

Well, Spouse Sparrow is lucky to have you. And it sounds like he knows it.

Fat Sparrow said...

Conan -- You are awful! Bad, bad, Conan!

Have I mentioned how much I like you?

Americans can't tell one UK accent from another, but he definitely doesn't sound like Ian Paisley, thank God, as your general NI accent is rather harsh on the ears. Spouse Sparrow's is sort of Ballymena, with an accent on the Scots, but with an Irish-type lilt which makes it more mellifluous, and cultured, not culchie.

Medbh -- "I'm with you, Fat Sparrow. I am insanely jealous and I will cut a bitch who tries to put the moves on Mr. M."

I had no idea you were so vicious. I deeply respect that in a person.

NiolK -- "I'm going to bum spouse sparrow when I see him."

What, you're after him, too? Jeez, I didn't even mention the guys that were hot for him in my post, and look, one turns up anyway.

Crystal -- "i had always just planned on marrying an ugly guy."

Yeah, you'd think that would work, but my ex was a fucking minger and he got pussy thrown at him, too. The only difference is the level of attractiveness in the thrown pussy, it seems.

"but the smearing with shit is a great idea! now i have hope about marrying a cute one long as i have copious amounts of shit available."

I'm going to try it and I'll let you know how it goes.

"you're a frwaking genius."

Well I'd like to think so, but my plans for world domination always seem to be thwarted.

"i hate competition."

Me too. It's just so much easier to lay waste and create death and mayhem all around you.

Sassy -- "Well, Spouse Sparrow is lucky to have you. And it sounds like he knows it."

Yeah, it's mutual, but all in all I'm luckier to have him, I think. I honestly don't know what I'd do without him. I mean, who'd kill the bugs?

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

EXCUSE ME?

I was feeling bitter and resentful on your behalf, ready to bitch-slap this hottie - and then I saw her picture.

It's her school picture, right? That's from her grade 11 album?

She looks like a fucking child chess player. Either that or a 13-year old piano genius.

No, given that post-brace grin, I have to opine that she is definitely a 13-year old international chess maestro. That jumper was definitely a present from the State of Estonia back in '03.

You can't be jealous of a pre-teen, boobless, grade A geek? She probably still downloads pictures of agent Mulder. NAKED.

And these "hotties" that try and chat up Spouse Sparrow in the shopping mall? What kind of lobotomized losers head off to the frozen food aisle to find a mate? Get a life!

Ah, what do I know anyway? I go to church to find a mate. What a loser!

Xul said...

I feel your pain. My guy is a little cutie pie and skank-bait as well. But usually they take one look at me, what with the armour and battle axe, and quickly decide he's not worth it.

BTW, thanks for the reciprocal linkage. The Alice Cooper reference was a nice touch.

Fat Sparrow said...

Mermaid -- Thanks for the laugh; I needed it. I may have been feeling a tad insecure lately, ahem.

And if you think she looks young, you should have seen the doctor that delivered my last sprog. Are doctors supposed to be talking on their cellphone about how great Spring Break was?

You go to church to find a man? That is so kinky.

Xul -- Thanks for the sympathy. I used to be able to give the evil eye pretty well, but maybe I've lost my edge.

Glad you liked the linkage.