...that has been left out in the elements and has warped.
I've been depressed lately. You can often tell what mood I'm in by what I'm reading, and when I'm depressed, it's Anne Rice. Yes, I love to wallow. Bring it on.
So, I was re-reading Anne Rice and thinking about how it would be really cool to have those sorts of powers the vampires in the Rice-verse have, like killing people with the power of their mind and flying. Now I have tried, repeatedly and how, to make people cark it just by thinking about it but I have yet to have any success. If practice really made perfect my brother would have dropped dead in childhood. Still, if Bill O'Reilly suddenly and mysteriously drops dead, I'm claiming credit for it.
Where was I? Oh yes, depressed and reading Anne Rice. Suffering from insomnia, and lying in bed. Or laying in bed. Fuck, I can never remember that one. Anyway, I was thinking about how the vampires in her books never go underwater. Because if I was a vampire, I'd be going underwater. But not in pools, because I have an irrational fear of pool drains, and I have a bad reaction to chlorine. It would have to be the ocean. I like the ocean; it's very peaceful. Not when it's coming up with giant waves to kill people, but when you're swimming through the water a mile or so out from shore it is very calming. Until you start thinking about sharks, at least.
And then I wondered: If I were a vampire, and I was swimming in the ocean, would I be immune from sharks? Theoretically, no, as vampires are cold (temperature-wise) creatures, but if I had just snacked on a human I'd be warm and then maybe a shark would go for me. Then again, the shark might anyway, as sharks are rather indiscriminate eaters who will munch on things like tires and license plates and Haitian immigrants, yuck. So, if the shark does munch on me, the vampire me, that is, would I survive? Bearing in mind that the vampires in the Anne Rice universe can re-attach their limbs, if the limbs are severed, and after a period of healing everything will be hunky-dory. But, if the head is severed for any length of time the vampire is well fucked. So if it's just an arm or a leg I should be all right, as long as I can wrestle it back from the shark. That could be kinda dangerous. I don't want to be some kind of vampire Captain Ahab/Steve Zissou, disastrously in search of my missing libido and taking it out on the wrong creature. That would be bad. Also it would be bad if the shark ate my head. But even worse than that would be if the shark ate all of the vampire me. Really really a lot worse than that would be if the shark became a vampire because of eating me. Sharks are bad enough on their own, without having any vampire attributes, I think. And no one would go in the water again, if there was a Vampire/Fat Sparrow/Shark on the loose in the sea.
I wonder why no one has written about vampire/shark hybrids. After having seen "Underworld" (completely not my fault; the Spouse Sparrow revels in watching shite) I am sure that it is only a matter of time before someone writes a screenplay, and it ends up on the Sci Fi Channel, so don't blame me when it happens.
Now you know the kinds of things that keep me awake at night, while the rest of you were worrying about the Irish elections, which, as you can see, I did not even bother with. I'm still getting my head around the fact that Bertie Ahern and Enda Kenny are guys, even though they have girl names.