Monday, May 28, 2007

I have a mind like a steel trap

...that has been left out in the elements and has warped.

I've been depressed lately. You can often tell what mood I'm in by what I'm reading, and when I'm depressed, it's Anne Rice. Yes, I love to wallow. Bring it on.

So, I was re-reading Anne Rice and thinking about how it would be really cool to have those sorts of powers the vampires in the Rice-verse have, like killing people with the power of their mind and flying. Now I have tried, repeatedly and how, to make people cark it just by thinking about it but I have yet to have any success. If practice really made perfect my brother would have dropped dead in childhood. Still, if Bill O'Reilly suddenly and mysteriously drops dead, I'm claiming credit for it.

Where was I? Oh yes, depressed and reading Anne Rice. Suffering from insomnia, and lying in bed. Or laying in bed. Fuck, I can never remember that one. Anyway, I was thinking about how the vampires in her books never go underwater. Because if I was a vampire, I'd be going underwater. But not in pools, because I have an irrational fear of pool drains, and I have a bad reaction to chlorine. It would have to be the ocean. I like the ocean; it's very peaceful. Not when it's coming up with giant waves to kill people, but when you're swimming through the water a mile or so out from shore it is very calming. Until you start thinking about sharks, at least.

And then I wondered: If I were a vampire, and I was swimming in the ocean, would I be immune from sharks? Theoretically, no, as vampires are cold (temperature-wise) creatures, but if I had just snacked on a human I'd be warm and then maybe a shark would go for me. Then again, the shark might anyway, as sharks are rather indiscriminate eaters who will munch on things like tires and license plates and Haitian immigrants, yuck. So, if the shark does munch on me, the vampire me, that is, would I survive? Bearing in mind that the vampires in the Anne Rice universe can re-attach their limbs, if the limbs are severed, and after a period of healing everything will be hunky-dory. But, if the head is severed for any length of time the vampire is well fucked. So if it's just an arm or a leg I should be all right, as long as I can wrestle it back from the shark. That could be kinda dangerous. I don't want to be some kind of vampire Captain Ahab/Steve Zissou, disastrously in search of my missing libido and taking it out on the wrong creature. That would be bad. Also it would be bad if the shark ate my head. But even worse than that would be if the shark ate all of the vampire me. Really really a lot worse than that would be if the shark became a vampire because of eating me. Sharks are bad enough on their own, without having any vampire attributes, I think. And no one would go in the water again, if there was a Vampire/Fat Sparrow/Shark on the loose in the sea.

I wonder why no one has written about vampire/shark hybrids. After having seen "Underworld" (completely not my fault; the Spouse Sparrow revels in watching shite) I am sure that it is only a matter of time before someone writes a screenplay, and it ends up on the Sci Fi Channel, so don't blame me when it happens.

Now you know the kinds of things that keep me awake at night, while the rest of you were worrying about the Irish elections, which, as you can see, I did not even bother with. I'm still getting my head around the fact that Bertie Ahern and Enda Kenny are guys, even though they have girl names.

Fat Sparrow

20 comments:

Old Knudsen said...

I was once bitten by a Werewolf and it became an Old Knudsen, the cunt can't blog for shit though, not like me. I want to bite Kate Beckinsale I reckon she tastes like chips. Sharks, Vampires and Aherns are right cunts I hate them.

Manuel said...

I had a mate once, whch is nice, who believed that Rice's Vampire Lestat was a real person. Goths eh? You would never tire of slpping colour into their cheeks.

Pink Drama said...

oooh, i love vampire novels. or anything paranormal really.

i'd bet money that someone from the sci-fi channel or an author reads this blog and voila - you have vampires and sharks and water all in the same storyline.

Fat Sparrow said...

Old Knudsen -- "I was once bitten by a Werewolf and it became an Old Knudsen, the cunt can't blog for shit though, not like me."

Well that would explain the boring hairy cunt that smelled of piss who came round and wanted a shag and advice on writing.

"I want to bite Kate Beckinsale I reckon she tastes like chips."

Kate Beckinsale tastes like PVC. And watch out for the outgassing. That's just a little joke for all of you out there in the plastics industry. What, no one? Jeez, tough crowd.

"Sharks, Vampires and Aherns are right cunts I hate them."

Now, what have sharks and vampires ever done to you?

Manuel -- "I had a mate once, whch is nice, who believed that Rice's Vampire Lestat was a real person."

It's really nice of you to befriend the mongs. Please don't bring them around.

"Goths eh? You would never tire of slpping colour into their cheeks."

I am going to steal that line from you. It's just begging to be used.

PD -- "i'd bet money that someone from the sci-fi channel or an author reads this blog and voila - you have vampires and sharks and water all in the same storyline."

That's right, and everyone will blame me, and the Spouse Sparrow will end up watching it.

As if my life doesn't suck enough....

Eddie Waring said...

I swear I posted about Goths being miserable twats BEFORE I read this....

Kav said...

Underworld really was shit. What were you thinking, Spouse?

Vamparks. That would be fucking brilliant.

Gaijin Girl said...

And no one would go in the water again, if there was a Vampire/Fat Sparrow/Shark on the loose in the sea.
I read your post before I left for work this morning and that thought was with me all day. What a great visual. Then, on the subway on the way home, I recalled the scene from Buffy where Spike bags his second (?) slayer on the subway in New York. The scene was so similar as the subway trains here are so old. There are just more people. Um, and no vampire or slayer.
Anyhoo, I was trying to pick who I'd drink first if I was a vamp. Strangely enough, it was the woman who looked like she'd had a shitload of plastic surgery, which is probably in keeping with my diet of convenience store food.
Man, those Vampire Chronicles are amazing.
Sorry to hear you're feeling poorly, Ms Sparrow. Take care of you, mate.

K8 said...

Fair play to you. When I get depressed I tend to just stare at the computer in blank abandon.

Sharks get a bad rap. If someone was invading my waters I'd sure as hell eat them. I'd love to be able to get away with eating door-to-door salespeople and canvassing polititians.

Medbh said...

Sharks will eat anything (remember all the trash in the shark from Jaws) so they would try to eat the undead, but a vampire would kick a shark's ass.

Conortje said...

Did you read her Jesus book? That'll give you something to worry about :-)

Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

I am so going to fight you for the credit when Bill O'Reilly suddenly and mysteriously drops dead. I mean if. If, yeah, um, that's the ticket - if.

I need a lawyer.

Sassy Sundry said...

You'd be a preternaturally beautiful shark if you were a vampshark. Anne Rice has the word "preternatural" on the brain.

That said, I loved Queen of the Damned.

Perkunas said...

I'm reading, "The Fellowship of the Ring," which may not be gothic enough for you in your current mood but it's a great read. Tolkien is very magical and I highly recommend him for the healing of the soul.

First Nations said...

ok, but what if the vampire vampirized the shark just as the shark was swallowing him? i envision a horrible jeff goldblum in a blender with a fly scenario where you get this freaky 'Shar-pire' that can swim AND fly AND drinks the blood of the living AND eats license plates. And is really wrinkly. See, and that would suck if you were an airline pilot because if like a flock of them got sucked into the jet intakes your plane would crash, but then it would come back to life that night as a Boeing VampShark 727 and all the passengers would look like Tom Cruise and be all 'I vant to sokk you blahd! bleah! bleah! and there would be danger.

lots of danger.

Around My Kitchen Table said...

Reading your blog made me think. What would happen if a vampire bit a werewolf? Would you than get a vampire werewolf, a vampwolf? I think that would be overkill. And the world vampwolf, far from conjuring up a crazed canine with massive canines sounds more like a rapacious transgendered person. Going to have to stop thinking. My brain hurts.

Conan Drumm said...

Ok, Vampire sharks, great... so we call the film... Fangs! But who plays the nemesis... some miserable Whiting... or maybe a Skate? Kirsten Dunst is grown up now but well deserves a turn as shark bait.

Bock the Robber said...

My dog, Satan, once attacked a vampire who was only delivering free newspapers and not being in any way threatening.

The vampire-blood had an instant calming effect and he's now a much less aggressive animal.

Violent deaths in our neighbourhood have plummeted.

savannah said...

damndamndamn..now i'll never fuckin fall asleep! fucking land shark fucking vampires wandering the haunted streets...shitshitshit...where's the damn vodka?
*muttering and wandering off to get right plastered*

(hope the clouds lift, sugar)

Fat Sparrow said...

Eddie -- Blogjinx!

Kav -- "Vamparks. That would be fucking brilliant."

I'm picturing Disneyland done over Ru-Paul style. I don't think so.

GG -- "The scene was so similar as the subway trains here are so old. There are just more people. Um, and no vampire or slayer."

Well, that does it for me - Japanese subways are definitely not valid.

"Anyhoo, I was trying to pick who I'd drink first if I was a vamp."

I'm conflicted. I'd want to munch on the attractive people, but then that would leave only ugly people for breeding. Plus, wih all my issues, I'd be making people shower and shave and sanitize before I'd even touch them. I'd be a really shite vampire, I reckon.

"Sorry to hear you're feeling poorly, Ms Sparrow. Take care of you, mate."

I will, thanks.

K8 -- "Fair play to you. When I get depressed I tend to just stare at the computer in blank abandon."

I used to do that, but had to stop after I got the overwhelming urge to end it all and get a Mac.

"Sharks get a bad rap. If someone was invading my waters I'd sure as hell eat them. I'd love to be able to get away with eating door-to-door salespeople and canvassing polititians."

Candygram!

Medbh -- "but a vampire would kick a shark's ass."

Damn, now I'm gonna be up all night wondering exactly where a shark's ass is.

Conortje -- "Did you read her Jesus book? That'll give you something to worry about :-)"

Nah, I stopped reading her in the mid-90's, when she decided she could wipe her ass with a piece of paper, publish it, and people would buy it. There's a reason for editors, you know?

Sam -- "I am so going to fight you for the credit when Bill O'Reilly suddenly and mysteriously drops dead."

Maybe if we both concentrate, really really hard, it will happen.

Sassy -- "Anne Rice has the word "preternatural" on the brain."

And don't forget "luminous."

"That said, I loved Queen of the Damned."

"Interview" and "The Witching Hour" are my favorites.

Perkunas -- "Tolkien is very magical and I highly recommend him for the healing of the soul."

At the risk of receiving yet another round of hate mail.... Tolkien puts me right to sleep. I greatly admire what he's done; style-wise and linguistically it's a massive achievement, especially when you compare him to wankers like C.S. Lewis, but it is seriously snooze-inducing.

FN -- (backs away slowly) Okay, you win.

AMKT -- "Reading your blog made me think. What would happen if a vampire bit a werewolf? Would you than get a vampire werewolf, a vampwolf?"

I am so blaming you when Underworld 3 comes out.

Conan -- "Fangs! But who plays the nemesis"

Great.... Instead of speculating about shark's arseholes, I now have "Fangs For The Nemeses" playing in my head.

"Kirsten Dunst is grown up now but well deserves a turn as shark bait."

Kirsten Dunst turned out to be a brain-dead minger, and I'll bet we'll find that sharks are more finicky than we think, if she goes in the water.

Bock -- "The vampire-blood had an instant calming effect and he's now a much less aggressive animal."

There has got to be some way to market that, what with Ireland having all those Pharm companies.... You'd make a fortune just selling to ADHD Americans alone.

Savannah -- "(hope the clouds lift, sugar)"

Thanks!

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