I am so sick of seeing that smug bastard, Al Gore, plastering his smarmy face all over the media. That man is such a gasbag and blows so much hot air that if he would just shut up the carbon emissions for the United States would be cut in half. Do we really need to hear every political commentator on the planet speculate on how he may pull a last-minute surprise and announce his candidacy for the presidency? Is there anyone out there who hasn't heard about his movie? Are his 15 minutes of fame not up yet?
It's all well and good for him to preach about the horrors of gas-guzzling cars, but not everyone can afford a hybrid. Sorry Al, some of us have to buy cars that are (gasp!) 10 years old or more. Some of us don't have the luxury to make choices about what kind of hybrid we want; it's more like what hooptie we can afford. Some of us can't afford cars at all. And you know, for someone who preaches about the wonders of public transportation, I don't see Al on the bus very often. Now, mind you, he might have been squeezed in between the guy that was drunk and crawling with lice and the little old lady with 37 shopping bags who insists on giving me child-rearing advice, but I didn't see him. Besides, he strikes me as more of the type that takes up two bus seats and worries about people stepping on his shoes.
So, I'm doubting he took the bus to his photo shoot with Richard Branson, in which they looked like what they are, a couple of aging smug bastard wanna-be hippies that are actually richer than fuck. They offered up $25 million in prize money to whoever can come up with a contraption that can reduce carbon emissions. Now, I'm no rocket scientist, but gee, don't most contraptions (or at least the manufacturing of them) use electricity? And isn't a lot of electricity generated by burning coal? So what we would have here, besides a failure to communicate, is something that would generate more carbon emissions while supposedly cleaning up carbon emissions. Hmmm, I wonder why no one's claimed the prize yet?
Well, into the void leaps little ol' me, as usual. I have come up with a machine that reduces carbon emissions. It is even solar-powered. What it does is this: When Al Gore and Richard Branson come up to inspect it, a sensor is triggered, and it kills them. No more of Richard Branson coming up with wacky ways to put people in space, while making loads of money off it and not worrying about the polluting effects of manufacturing something completely useless, like fuel for rockets. Who the fuck needs a rocket? If you're going to take a bunch of rich idiots into space, Mr. Branson, please leave them there. No more Al Gore, jetting away to speaking appearances all over the world, to harp on about global warming and lecturing at me, who doesn't even have a car.
Listen up, you hypocritical twats; what you're looking for doesn't exist. It will never exist. What you're looking for is for someone to clean up the mess that you've not only made, but will continue to make. What you're looking for is some small expiation of guilt, so you can continue business as usual. Here's a little tip: You guys are going to have to make the biggest sacrifices of all. You're going to have to practice what you preach. Buying "carbon offsets" isn't going to cut it. Eventually the little guys are going to figure out that the papal indulgences you're selling are bullshit. It's just not as simple as you're making it out to be. I know you've got a lot of celebrities all lined up to lick your hole, Al, but you know what? Celebrities are not that bright. A lot of them haven't even finished high school. So when you go around talking about chemistry and science and biology, they're nodding politely, but they're actually thinking about their spa appointment later that day. They don't know shit from shinola as it is, so they're eager to lap up whatever snake oil you're selling, even if you're just selling yourself.
When I hear about Al Gore selling off his McMansion to live in something small and environmentally friendly, and Richard Branson putting out commercials saying "Hey guys, you don't really need to fly anywhere; why not take a vacation closer to home next year?" then maybe I'll listen to something they have to say. In the meantime, they can kiss my petunia.
The earth may very well be heating up, but in the meantime half of my town's water wells have been poisoned by companies that manufactured jet and rocket fuel, and now it's undrinkable. I live less than 7 miles from an EPA Superfund Site. Everyday, my family's lungs are the worse for wear because we live in a part of America that has one of the highest rates of fine particle air pollution, and everyday, more and more semis and freight trains come through here. What difference does it make if it's 119 degrees here in my town in the summertime, or only 110, when we can't drink the water or breathe the air? Carbon doesn't cause birth defects. Our water now does. Our land now does. Our air now does. Where is your outrage, Mr. Airline Owner? Where is your outrage, Mr. Wannabe President?
Just something for Al Gore and Richard Branson to think about, while they're cutting me my check for $25 million.