Sunday, May 20, 2007

Hey hey hey, it's Fat Albert!

I am so sick of seeing that smug bastard, Al Gore, plastering his smarmy face all over the media. That man is such a gasbag and blows so much hot air that if he would just shut up the carbon emissions for the United States would be cut in half. Do we really need to hear every political commentator on the planet speculate on how he may pull a last-minute surprise and announce his candidacy for the presidency? Is there anyone out there who hasn't heard about his movie? Are his 15 minutes of fame not up yet?

It's all well and good for him to preach about the horrors of gas-guzzling cars, but not everyone can afford a hybrid. Sorry Al, some of us have to buy cars that are (gasp!) 10 years old or more. Some of us don't have the luxury to make choices about what kind of hybrid we want; it's more like what hooptie we can afford. Some of us can't afford cars at all. And you know, for someone who preaches about the wonders of public transportation, I don't see Al on the bus very often. Now, mind you, he might have been squeezed in between the guy that was drunk and crawling with lice and the little old lady with 37 shopping bags who insists on giving me child-rearing advice, but I didn't see him. Besides, he strikes me as more of the type that takes up two bus seats and worries about people stepping on his shoes.

So, I'm doubting he took the bus to his photo shoot with Richard Branson, in which they looked like what they are, a couple of aging smug bastard wanna-be hippies that are actually richer than fuck. They offered up $25 million in prize money to whoever can come up with a contraption that can reduce carbon emissions. Now, I'm no rocket scientist, but gee, don't most contraptions (or at least the manufacturing of them) use electricity? And isn't a lot of electricity generated by burning coal? So what we would have here, besides a failure to communicate, is something that would generate more carbon emissions while supposedly cleaning up carbon emissions. Hmmm, I wonder why no one's claimed the prize yet?

Well, into the void leaps little ol' me, as usual. I have come up with a machine that reduces carbon emissions. It is even solar-powered. What it does is this: When Al Gore and Richard Branson come up to inspect it, a sensor is triggered, and it kills them. No more of Richard Branson coming up with wacky ways to put people in space, while making loads of money off it and not worrying about the polluting effects of manufacturing something completely useless, like fuel for rockets. Who the fuck needs a rocket? If you're going to take a bunch of rich idiots into space, Mr. Branson, please leave them there. No more Al Gore, jetting away to speaking appearances all over the world, to harp on about global warming and lecturing at me, who doesn't even have a car.

Listen up, you hypocritical twats; what you're looking for doesn't exist. It will never exist. What you're looking for is for someone to clean up the mess that you've not only made, but will continue to make. What you're looking for is some small expiation of guilt, so you can continue business as usual. Here's a little tip: You guys are going to have to make the biggest sacrifices of all. You're going to have to practice what you preach. Buying "carbon offsets" isn't going to cut it. Eventually the little guys are going to figure out that the papal indulgences you're selling are bullshit. It's just not as simple as you're making it out to be. I know you've got a lot of celebrities all lined up to lick your hole, Al, but you know what? Celebrities are not that bright. A lot of them haven't even finished high school. So when you go around talking about chemistry and science and biology, they're nodding politely, but they're actually thinking about their spa appointment later that day. They don't know shit from shinola as it is, so they're eager to lap up whatever snake oil you're selling, even if you're just selling yourself.

When I hear about Al Gore selling off his McMansion to live in something small and environmentally friendly, and Richard Branson putting out commercials saying "Hey guys, you don't really need to fly anywhere; why not take a vacation closer to home next year?" then maybe I'll listen to something they have to say. In the meantime, they can kiss my petunia.

The earth may very well be heating up, but in the meantime half of my town's water wells have been poisoned by companies that manufactured jet and rocket fuel, and now it's undrinkable. I live less than 7 miles from an EPA Superfund Site. Everyday, my family's lungs are the worse for wear because we live in a part of America that has one of the highest rates of fine particle air pollution, and everyday, more and more semis and freight trains come through here. What difference does it make if it's 119 degrees here in my town in the summertime, or only 110, when we can't drink the water or breathe the air? Carbon doesn't cause birth defects. Our water now does. Our land now does. Our air now does. Where is your outrage, Mr. Airline Owner? Where is your outrage, Mr. Wannabe President?

Just something for Al Gore and Richard Branson to think about, while they're cutting me my check for $25 million.

Fat Sparrow

21 comments:

Eddie Waring said...

I always question just how committed folks like these really are to the causes they profess to champion. Like you say, how does their lifestyle measure up to the standards that they are asking everybody else to live by?

Old Knudsen said...

Its bad when thats the place the Mexicans are running to for a better life.

fatmammycat said...

You are fucking catnip, I swear. I love coming over here. You're spot on of course, Gore flying about all over the world in his jet to promote An Inconvenient Truth was a joke. And asking people who are barely putting food into the mouths of their kids to 'recyle and consider their carbon footprint' is beyond parody.
I recyle because it suits me, it cuts down on my refuse charge and and I'm near enough to the centre to drop off all my plastic and glass weekly, Ireland's a small place and we're running out of landfill space so it makes sense and because they're building a bloody great big incinerator near my mother's home this year (despite the local protestation the council rode roughshod over them).

Annie Rhiannon said...

I recycle because it suits me, too. The majority of people will only ever do what suits them, so it's up to governments and corporations to make being green as convenient as possible.

Sassy Sundry said...

I do make an effort to "reduce my carbon footprint" (what a stupid phrase), but I can't afford a hybrid either.

As a feminist, vegetarian, liberal, environmentalist, I can only hope that a few people know that we aren't all self-righteous gasbags. I even know how to laugh.

Conortje said...

I suppose at least he's doing something and very few would argue the very serious bottom line. I'm not a fan of his at all and didn't even think the documentary was all that good but surely he was 'preaching' to everyone - rich and poor etc You can't make everyone happy especially with such an unattractive message but even if it makes a tiny change then I reckon it's worth it. Better then doing nothing surely? OK - bring it on - I'm ready for the backlash :-)

Annie Rhiannon said...

I enjoyed the film because I found the information in it quite eye-opening. But the way it was presented was dreadful. Way too many cut-aways to Al Gore staring dreamily out of a window when there could have been a lot more footage of environmental issues and interviews with scientists.

Good slideshow presentation / bad film.

savannah said...

the saving grace is that the issue is being spoken about, that global warming is not a liberal commie lie, but a reality...i'll not kill the messenger(s) but continue to do my small part...besides, big business will move towrads "green" because doing so will increase their bottomline..saving the environment is "extras" as we say here in the south...

Medbh said...

I was never a Gore fan and voted for Nader in 2000 (plus I lived in Kansas at the time so shrub was sure to win that state).
I want a real liberal to run for office and not a centrist who suddenly tried to become a liberal after he let the knuckle dragger steal the election. I didn't like how he distanced himself from Clinton during his campaign and I think his wife's censorship crusade against the music industry is an appalling blow against art and free speech.
Gore is a "Vanity Fair" cover boy who wants to be famous. He has no credibility for me as a potential candidate.
We recycle everything (even food waste) here in Toronto and take public transport and do as much as we can to halt the inevitable.

Philip said...

Everyday, my family's lungs are the worse for wear because we live in a part of America that has one of the highest rates of fine particle air pollution

I hope this doesn't mean there will be grit in the Soylent Green. I mean, I like it crunchy but there are limits.

Bjarni RĂșnar said...

At the risk of sounding like an Al Gore fanboy (I'm not, really)...

Who cares what his motives are and how annoying he is? As long as he's drawing attention to critical environmental issues, making people think and getting them onto the political radar, he's cool with me.

Keep in mind that he couldn't do that particular job without jetting around and being all annoyingly upper class.

You're absolutely right that Joe Average can't afford alone to make radical lifestyle changes for the environment.

The governments need to care and people with big money need to fund the right science. It looks to me like that's what Al is working on, so more power to him.

Manuel said...

Simple but effective, I like it. Have you seen the SOUTH PARK episode MANBEARPIG? Tremendous stuff

Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

He said the other day he's "fallen out of love with politics" over the past few years.

I expect him to declare any day now.

Little Miss Manuel said...

"Fallen out of love with politics", well you would when the eloctorate runs off with the idiot who lives next door.

First Nations said...

when folks like snoop dog and paris hilton start driving hybrids and shopping at the co-op, people will listen. as long as environmentalism is being preached by WASPS like Gore nobody is going to take it seriously. tarred by the same brush, as twere.

fly on up here to god's country, fatty. the economy is strong, land is still relatively cheap and the housing market is booming. listen to the old hippie.

Fat Sparrow said...

Eddie -- "Like you say, how does their lifestyle measure up to the standards that they are asking everybody else to live by?"

Oh God, don't even get me started about that dirty minger Sheryl Crow who thinks she can save the world by convincing everyone to use only one square of toilet paper. Not all of us have personal assistants to lick our minge clean.

Old Knudsen -- "Its bad when thats the place the Mexicans are running to for a better life."

Sadly enough, the Stringfellow Acid Pits are less polluted than Tijuana.

FMC -- "You are fucking catnip, I swear. I love coming over here."

(blushing) Why thank you!

"You're spot on of course, Gore flying about all over the world in his jet to promote An Inconvenient Truth was a joke."

No shit. There's this thing called the Internet (I think he may have heard of it), along with video-conferencing. If only he had thought to give it a try.

"And asking people who are barely putting food into the mouths of their kids to 'recyle and consider their carbon footprint' is beyond parody."

Exactly. Most poor people are already doing that, they're recycling (to earn money), and they can't afford a car, so it's walking, public transportation, or a bike. What's really sad is the people in Central and South American countries who go through toxic dumps every day looking for recyclable materials that they can sell to get money to feed their kids, and being exposed to God-knows-what in the process.

"I recyle because it suits me"

I recycle because here in my area of California they pay $1.95 per lb. for aluminum cans, and 95 cents per lb. for # 1 plastic (the clear bottle kind). In our duplex complex we only have a skip, with no pickup for recyclables, unlike private houses here in my city, so if I'm not getting money for it, it goes in the skip.

Annie -- "The majority of people will only ever do what suits them, so it's up to governments and corporations to make being green as convenient as possible."

Very true. If my city offered a recyclables pick-up for apartment/duplex complexes, I'd happily be putting my newspaper, etc. in there. I'm not going to be hauling a bunch of newspapers on the bus to the recycling center 5 miles away, however.

Sassy -- "As a feminist, vegetarian, liberal, environmentalist, I can only hope that a few people know that we aren't all self-righteous gasbags."

I think it's the same as conservative Christians, strangely enough. You can be one without pissing people off every other moment, but it's the really strident ones that give the others a bad name. If you come around knocking on my door and waking me up on a Saturday morning, or you're going on about how I should wipe my snatch, you're gonna be on my list.

"I even know how to laugh."

I would have assumed so, considering you read my blog, but maybe I flatter myself....

Conortje -- "but surely he was 'preaching' to everyone - rich and poor etc You can't make everyone happy especially with such an unattractive message but even if it makes a tiny change then I reckon it's worth it. Better then doing nothing surely?"

That's the argument the Mormons and Jehovah's Witnesses use when they come preaching to me, too.

If you preach the Word of God to whores whilst fucking them in the local bordello, is your message as effective? That's basically what I'm asking.

"OK - bring it on - I'm ready for the backlash :-)"

Three lashes with a shrunken sweater, young man!

Annie -- "Good slideshow presentation / bad film."

I haven't seen it. We're on a very tight budget, and I refuse to pay money to rent a movie that I know I won't like.

Savannah -- "that global warming is not a liberal commie lie, but a reality"

Yes, it is, right now. But if you'll remember back in the 70's we were all being taught in school that the next Ice Age was on its way, and they weren't talking about the kids' movie. That's why it's a scientific theory. They can speculate, just like they did in the 70's, but only time will tell if they're right. I believe that there should be a broader focus that includes pollution, which is affecting my life right now. If it also lowers the temperature of the world, well that's just "extras," but jetting around the world while promoting your cause du jour (which just happens to be reducing everyone's carbon output) is really hypocritical.

Medbh -- "I want a real liberal to run for office and not a centrist who suddenly tried to become a liberal after he let the knuckle dragger steal the election."

I want all politicians to either drop dead or get a real job. In this day and age there is no reason why each citizen cannot vote on each and every individual issue that now comes before congress. Try suggesting that to a politician, and you'll find out very quickly just how enamored they are with sucking out of the public trough, and what they truly think of voters. Politicians seem to think that they know better and are more educated than voters, which I definitely do not believe. If voters were allowed to vote on each project individually, we would have had decent freeway upgrades and public transportation funding here in Southern California, and not a "bridge to nowhere" for a 300-person community in Alaska.

And as for a president, is it not time we removed ourself from an outdated system in which one person represents the honour (or lack of) of our country? Male, female, whatever; the president is a patriarchal figurehead. Ask yourself why, as a feminist, you are emotionally investing in that system.

"I didn't like how he distanced himself from Clinton during his campaign"

I would have distanced myself from Clinton, too. God only knows what STDs the man's been treated for. 3 feet away, that's my rule for germs. Not to mention condoms.

"...and I think his wife's censorship crusade against the music industry is an appalling blow against art and free speech."

I have a hard time considering the crap that comes out of the music industry "art," (do the words "industry" and "art" really go together?) and I don't have a problem with ratings systems, as long as the same standards are applied to everyone. The music industry put up a stink because they thought that a rating system would make their profits go down. Once they realized that didn't happen, they shut up. If censorship was really the issue, musicians would still be going on about it. It's not, it's about money, just like Napster was. Your man from Metallica can go on about the supposed integrity of his music, yada yada yada, but he's just another corporate money-earning tool, and he's too dumb to realize it. Don't even mention that cunt Don Henley to me.

"Gore is a "Vanity Fair" cover boy who wants to be famous. He has no credibility for me as a potential candidate."

No argument from me on that one. If he really wanted to make an effective movie about global warming, he could have started out fully clothed, and then in each scene he could have removed a piece of clothing. By the end of the movie, people would be stopping global warming just to get him to put some clothes on. It's an inconvenient truth, Al, but you're fat and ugly.

Philip -- "I hope this doesn't mean there will be grit in the Soylent Green. I mean, I like it crunchy but there are limits."

Does that mean you're planning on eating me?

Bjarni -- "Who cares what his motives are and how annoying he is?"

(raises hand, waves it) Me, me!

"Keep in mind that he couldn't do that particular job without jetting around and being all annoyingly upper class."

Maybe not him, because he's a massive cunt, and that's my point. Hell if I could tell you the guy's name who started up Earth Day, but that didn't stop him from doing a good job for environmental causes. Gore seems to have a bad habit of wanting to insert himself, all sneaky-like, into whatever the cool thing is. Again, that Internet thing comes to mind. He got called on that one, but he lined up his ducks (by way of Hollywood) for this one so he managed to pull it off.

"The governments need to care and people with big money need to fund the right science. It looks to me like that's what Al is working on, so more power to him."

It still looks to me like he's only promoting himself. He hasn't had to make any sacrifice, and he gets all the credit. He is a consummate politician, which means he is really good at being a lying hypocrite, which is why he has so much support from Hollywood. They feel right at home.

Besides, he's preaching to the choir. The demographic that movie was aimed at is white people of a certain age, who are socially and politically aware, and environmentally conscious. Believe me, your average person has not seen this movie, so how effective has he been in getting the message out there? Once again, he has been very effective in promoting himself to a select audience, an audience who was already very receptive to hearing his message. How effective he will be in getting his message across to goverment really depends on which side is in power, doesn't it? And if he has achieved name-brand recognition by way of his movie, and it just happens that he is the head of the government, well, you can take it from there. As for people funding science, nowadays it's really business that funds science, and they aren't going to fund it without some great benefit to themselves.

Manuel -- "Simple but effective, I like it."

Thank you!

"Have you seen the SOUTH PARK episode MANBEARPIG? Tremendous stuff"

No, it seems I haven't. I asked Spouse Sparrow, but he can't remember it either.

Sam -- "He said the other day he's "fallen out of love with politics" over the past few years.

I expect him to declare any day now.
"

Hahaha, you really got me to laugh with that one. And his book's out now, so he can commence with the extra denials, which means extra publicity, which means.... Gaaaah, pass me the bucket.

LMM -- ""Fallen out of love with politics", well you would when the eloctorate runs off with the idiot who lives next door."

(to the tune of "Blame Canada") "Blame Florida, blame Florida...."

FN -- "when folks like snoop dog and paris hilton start driving hybrids and shopping at the co-op, people will listen. as long as environmentalism is being preached by WASPS like Gore nobody is going to take it seriously. tarred by the same brush, as twere."

Yup, there you have it.

"fly on up here to god's country, fatty. the economy is strong, land is still relatively cheap and the housing market is booming. listen to the old hippie."

I would really, really, REALLY like to. I've seen the pictures you've posted, and it looks just beautiful. If I could figure out some way to make it work, I would be up there in a flash. Having to stare at brown, dry fields, see graffiti every day, and listen to the police helicopter every night just makes me soul-sick.

Pink Drama said...

ugh! al gore...i think if he wasn't such a pussy then he would have a been a better pres than bush, but then again, gas prices would be like $12 a gallon.

i have a 1994 hooptie. it's built just like me. big ass, big hood, and has the same hair color. but at least it gets good gas mileage.

Conan Drumm said...

I'm fairly cynical about Al Gore, or Algae as we call him hereabouts. I confess I betook meself to the cinema to see his powerpoint presentation.

My own tuppenceworth is that, generally, us humans have been sold on the idea we can have something cheap - air travel, cars, petrol, and other consumables - but that only works if we all pretend there aren't additional costs. Large corporations have done all they can to perpetuate this pretense. It helps their profits.

So when we buy a car we traditionally didn't count the costs of using it other than fuel, insurance, taxes, maintenance, and depreciation. But there are ongoing environmental costs of using the car (emissions, noise pollution, road network maintenance and expansion etc; plus those of the oil and refining industry that feeds it) and there are disposal costs when it's time for it to be dumped.

For a long time we all went along with the idea that these costs did not exist. Much the same way that we fooled ourselves that passive smoking wasn't an issue, or that smoking wasn't putting a cost burden on health services.

We're growing out of this phase now and we're going to have to cost everything properly. The fight will be over sharing the burden of these costs equitably between manufacturers (cutting their profits) and consumers.

Governments do not have a good track record in looking after consumers' interests in battles such as these.

Manufacturers will threaten to move plants to jurisdictions with lax legislation. This potential loss of jobs will be used to pressure governments to take a softly softly approach....

The Little Cheese said...

Hey Fatty, agree completely. Have often lamented that Dickie Branson never bashed himself real hard on the head when falling out of his hot air balloon so he would actually SHUT UP!

Fat Sparrow said...

PD -- "but then again, gas prices would be like $12 a gallon"

We'll never see any politician doing that, even though our roads are in dire need of funds, because the populace would be calling for the politician's head. And probably rightly so, come to think of it. I mean, we give them an ass load of money now, and they blow it on crap.

"i have a 1994 hooptie. it's built just like me. big ass, big hood, and has the same hair color. but at least it gets good gas mileage."

I miss my Volvo wagon. It got really good gas mileage, even with a turbo, and it hauled ass. If you really want to freak out people, just put a bunch of Siouxsie and Nine Inch Nails stickers on a Volvo, when people are expecting a yuppie soccer mom.

Conan -- Well said, and that's why everything's made in China nowadays, of course. It's so much easier (and cheaper) manufacturing things in a country that uses forced prison labor and has no environmental controls.

TLC -- "Have often lamented that Dickie Branson never bashed himself real hard on the head when falling out of his hot air balloon so he would actually SHUT UP!"

From your lips to God's ears!

OnlinePharmacy said...
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