Thursday, April 12, 2007

Two for flinching

So here I am, finally catching up on my newspaper reading, and I come across an article about the released British sailors. It seems that the official policy has been reversed, and the sailors have now been forbidden to sell their stories. Thank fuck, because if I have to hear any more sob stories about their ordeals, I will kick their asses myself.

The latest one I was reading about was from Arthur Batchelor, 20-year-old chav extraordinaire, who says he cried himself to sleep after one of the Iranian guards "kept flicking my neck with his index finger and thumb." What the fuck? What kind of big girl's blouse cries himself to sleep after getting flicked? What kind of unmanly twat actually admits it, in print and in interviews?

Let me tell you, if I had been taken captive, I may have been subjected to all sorts of horrible things, and sobbed about it until the snot ran down my nose and into my mouth, but there is no fucking way that you would get me to admit it in public after I was back home. If I were a guy, I would be talking about how the Iranians released me because they were afraid of my oversized schlong, and how all the Iranian women were hot for me after seeing me on TV, and how the Iranians thought it was a new reality show, "Iranian Idol," and how they all voted to elect me king, and said I was the best thing since the Prophet Muhammad, so that it behooved my captors to get me out of the country as soon as possible, with as many gifts as possible, so as to appease me.

The Iranians are denying any coercive techniques, so they can't naysay you without looking bad, and your fellow shipmates don't know jack, as you were all mainly kept in isolation, so why on earth would you admit to something as wimpish as crying yourself to sleep when no one knows any different without you telling them? Usually you can parlay a war story into getting your hole, but this load of shite will not even get your man a pity fuck.

Flicking. Yes, it's painful, but it's mainly irritating. It's certainly nothing to cry yourself to sleep over, even if it's Iranians doing the flicking. Anyone named "Arthur" should be well used to getting his shite kicked in, anyway. Where have the glorious traditions of English boarding schools gone to? The systematic torture and persecutions perpetrated by the bullying inmates of English boarding schools toward underclassmen were responsible for the toughening of the generations that won The Great War and defeated Hitler. Harassment and hazing put the "great" in Great Britain. Bring them back, I say, and let's have less of grown men snivelling.

Fat Sparrow

P.S. -- If Arthur Batchelor is unclear as to what psychological torment is, he should try writing a blog post with a 3-year-old screaming/singing "Ride, Sally, ride!" into a microphone, 2 feet away, while the Spouse Sparrow constantly increases the volume on the TV, which is blaring out the BBC News in a hopeless attempt to drown out the Nestling Sparrow. I work under these conditions every day. Take note, Arthur, you pussy.

17 comments:

First Nations said...

they FLICKED him?
oh the horror.


dear god in heaven what a train wreck. he's actually making abu ghraib look 'butch'.

whyioughtta said...

Ah, but maybe they picked and flicked. Surely that's worth a tear or two.

Old Knudsen said...

So yer baby is egging yer husband on to ride someone named sally while he watches the news? a mad hoose I say and explains and lot.

Conortje said...

He's damn lucky they didn't bring out the expert pinchers and hair pullers!

Lord Milky said...

He also whinged that he got his Ipod nicked off the boat when they were captured. On patrol listening to 'Vogue' no doubt. It's to be expected - after all, he is in the navy.

Kav said...

I understand his pain. You guys are so insensitive. Why, just the other day, I was trying to get some sleep when Linzi grabbed my lad and tried to feast on it. I was appalled and tried to shove her away, but she insisted on bringing me to orgasm. The depravation has scarred me deeply.

D. C. Warmington said...

You're quite right about the English public school system. When I was 12 I was flogged in front of the whole school, to the point of death, for confusing "which" and "that".

My classmate, Steedman, was nailed to the cricket pavilion for misspelling "separate". When the headmaster telephoned his mother to explain why Steedman would not be home for the first few days of the Christmas holiday, she said, "Yes, yes, by all means, leave him up there till the New Year! That'll teach him!"

Another boy had his brain removed during a biology practical. Unfortunately it got lost somehow, and when he sought to expostulate (not easy without a cerebellum) he was shouted down as a fusspot. They found it a few days later in a hedge.

Worse than any of this, though, or the irregular Greek verbs, was the food, about which I say nothing for fear of alienating your readers.

The point is, none of this did me any harm, as my psychiatrist is fond of telling me at our daily meetings.

Foot Eater said...

The latest one I was reading about was from Arthur Batchelor, 20-year-old chav extraordinaire, who says he cried himself to sleep after one of the Iranian guards "kept flicking my neck with his index finger and thumb."

Ah, but this could be a misprint. The copy editor might have overlooked the substitution of 'li' for 'u'. I think I'd be a tad put out if an Iranian (or anyone else) fucked my neck with his finger and thumb (or anything else).

matt lobster said...

It's worth remembering that soldiers in the first world war only had a finger flick at their disposal when they went "over the top".

Eddie Waring said...

Divorce your husband, he isn't right for you anyway. Run away with me, we can be in Mexico by dusk, sharing a taco and a donkey.
Being flicked is hardly the thumb screws is it? But if he was being flicked in the same spot constantly, it would get a bit red and sore over time. You would think the guard would get fed up of it first. Simple people those Iranians. Not every day they get a chance to flick a British sailor.

Fat Sparrow said...

FN -- "he's actually making abu ghraib look 'butch'."

Sad, isn't it?

Whyioughtta -- "Ah, but maybe they picked and flicked. Surely that's worth a tear or two."

Only if there's hair attached.

Old Knudsen -- "a mad hoose I say and explains and lot."

Yes, it's hard to pinpoint the exact source of my genius.

Conortje -- "He's damn lucky they didn't bring out the expert pinchers and hair pullers!"

Arthur now lives in fear of Tittie Twisters.

Lord Milky -- "It's to be expected - after all, he is in the navy."

I think it's possible that the Navy has been in him.

Kav -- "The depravation has scarred me deeply."

But not as badly as deprivation, from what I've heard.

Mr. Warmington -- "The point is, none of this did me any harm, as my psychiatrist is fond of telling me at our daily meetings."

And apparently it's helping your psychiatrist quite a bit. How is his new Jaguar?

Footie -- "I think I'd be a tad put out if an Iranian (or anyone else) fucked my neck with his finger and thumb (or anything else)."

Yes, I heard you like it a bit lower down than the neck.

Matt Lobster -- "It's worth remembering that soldiers in the first world war only had a finger flick at their disposal when they went "over the top"."

That may have worked for WWI, but thank God the Allies developed noogies, or we'd all be speaking German.

Eddie -- "Divorce your husband, he isn't right for you anyway. Run away with me, we can be in Mexico by dusk, sharing a taco and a donkey."

Sounds like a plan, but first I have a few questions.... 1)Whose taco? If it's Scully, we're all good. You'll have to clear it with me first for anyone else's taco. And definitely not Taco Belle. I had her the other day, and boy, was I sorry. C) A donkey? Do you not have a car? Ah, fuck it, either way I'm trading up. I don't have either.

"You would think the guard would get fed up of it first."

I wonder if it's like that thing where you cry to get out of a ticket. When I went to traffic school, the instructor told us that crying worked fairly well if you're a woman, but it worked really well if you're a guy. Yeah, it was one of those comedy traffic schools. What a joke.

Foot Eater said...

Traffic school? Only in America. Here, we drive how we like, and if you get pulled over by the police you eat humble pie or hit the fuckers, it's up to you. Seems to work on the whole.

Manuel said...

Flicking does hurt. I used to share a house with a girl who was forever flicking herself. She would scream in what can only be described as agony, calling Jesus and swaering like a trooper. She always looked happy after though

Bock the Robber said...

Well, marines have feelings too.

Fat Sparrow said...

Footie -- You can go to Traffic School to keep points off of your driving record. It keeps your insurance rates from going up. Don't worry, you don't actually learn anything there. It's like prison; they hold you for a time to punish you and then let you out, without you having changed your ways.

Manuel -- "Flicking does hurt. I used to share a house with a girl who was forever flicking herself."

You only hurt the ones you love.

Bock -- "Well, marines have feelings too."

I demand to see evidence and your sources, sir. You may indeed prove that Marines have a rudimentary nervous system, but that does not mean that they are capable of human-like emotions.

And tell them to get their damn dirty hands off me.

Eddie Waring said...

Whose taco?

Does this mean you aren't buying?

Fat Sparrow said...

Eddie -- You'll have to wait 'til Taco Tuesday. I may be a slut, but I'm a cheap slut.