What the fuck is up with those crazy Iranians?
"Hmmm, I think we'll kidnap some British military personnel, and then pretend like they're at the Oscars and give them gift bags."
You must have some serious shit in your hookah for that to sound like a good idea. Really, gift bags? They'll just have to declare them and pay taxes on them now, you know. Yet another example of Iran spreading its hairy, crusty buttocks and farting out "FUCK YOU" to Britain. And don't think I didn't get the innuendo behind those bags they gave them. "Carpetbaggers," indeed. I'd check those bags for bugs. No, I don't mean listening devices, I mean insects. You know what Third World countries are like.
I really liked how all the men got suits, but they dressed the woman up like a color-blind Russian sailor. What, no burqas in her size? She didn't look that big 'til I saw her in the video clip standing next to your man Mahmoud, and then I wondered, "Damn, why is she not just kicking his shit in? Sure, she'd get taken down by his bodyguards right away, but that would really make for great TV."
The newly released military personnel got back to Britain okay, and I'm eagerly awaiting the press conference in which one of them recants everything they said on Iranian TV, and says: "The Persians were a lot more valid when they were worshipping fire and chucking their dead to the vultures. Now that they're Muslim, they're a collection of cunts."