Monday, March 26, 2007

I am (not) Spock

My dad was a Trekkie, back in the day. He's seen every episode of the original Star Trek series at least 39 million times. What with us having only one TV in our house when I was growing up, that means I've seen them all too; far more than I ever wanted. I never really liked Star Trek, and I liked it far less when my dad took to calling me "Spock." I suppose it started out because I had a logical argument for every time I got into trouble, and then logically tried to talk my way out of it. Whichever; the nickname stuck.

Over the years I have wondered if I was called "Spock" because I was so logical, or if I became more logical because I was called "Spock." I don't think it was very logical to call me "Spock," because my brother was the one with the funky ears, but there you have it. I suppose it works out all right, as the Spouse Sparrow thinks of himself as Captain Kirk, and if Captain Kirk and Spock didn't have a go at some time or another then I'm an Andorrean.

In my own personal life, I have not been very logical; quite the opposite. Some of those who know me will know of my past escapades and wonder that anyone could have ever accused me of being logical or practical. But in planning out the lives of others, I find that I can be very logical and practical.

Here are some examples of how I would logically solve some of the world's thorniest problems....

Problem: Illegal immigration along the US/Mexican border.

Solution: Land mines. Buy up all the land within 2 miles of the US/Mexican border, and plant lots and lots of land mines. Land mines are cheap, and extremely effective (Just ask Princess Diana; that's what actually got her in that tunnel, you know. What, you thought the land mine companies were just going to take all her campaigning lying down?). Sell government bonds to purchase the land. Install land mines. Install cameras in the land-mined area. The cameras will be connected to a website that allows viewers to access it for an hourly fee. People will watch for hours in anticipation of seeing someone getting blown up. This will be bigger than "YouTube." Bonds will be paid off in under 5 years. Illegal immigration will slow to a trickle. Much more effective than changing the 14th amendment, which has been misinterpreted for years anyway.

Problem: Prison overcrowding in California, and too many people on Death Row.

Solution: Pay-Per-View executions. Violence always sells well here in America. If people are willing to shell out $100+ to have their friends come around and watch a boxing match, just think how much they'd be willing to pay to watch someone actually die. Mind you, we can't have any of this namby-pamby lethal injection crap. No, I'm talking hangings, at the very least, and with inexperienced executioners. When we go through all the convicts who are already on Death Row, we change the laws to make kiddie fiddlers and rapists eligible for the death penalty. As an added money maker, when the Pay-Per-View crowd gets tapped out, the government can put the show on regular TV (after accepting bids from all the major TV networks, with the show rights going to the highest bidder) and encourage people to vote (text-messaged at 99 cents a pop, a la "American Idol") on how the prisoners should be executed. Let's make Thursday night "Must See TV" once again. Death Row will be emptied, and our prisons will have excellent funding.

Problem: People complain that the criminals are better armed than the police are.

Solution: Arm everyone with fully-automatic weapons. Sure, it'll be really violent for awhile, but eventually things will sort themselves out, and teenagers will have much better manners when they know their elders are packing heat.

Problem: Ongoing genocide in Darfur.

Solution: Ignore it; the problem will go away.

Problem: Continuing Israeli/Palestinian conflict.

Solution: Have the US government secretly create a puppet terrorist organization that threatens to bomb all the holy sites in Israel and Palestine. Openly encourage as many Jewish/Christian/Muslim fanatics as possible to go and be "human shields." Once they are all there, bomb Israel/Palestine to smithereens. Kill off the puppet terrorist organization. Blame the bombing on rogue Saudis. They get away with all kinds of shit in the Islamic community, with no repercussions from fellow Muslims. Say they did it to get rid of the Jews. Meanwhile, strike a secret deal for cheap oil with the Saudis, or Mecca is next. Israel/Palestine will be under 200+ feet of Mediterranean water. No religious fanatics, no land left to rebuild holy sites on; problem solved. Invest in Jordan, as it is now peaceful beachfront property. Enterprising money makers will quickly offer tours to the area in glass-bottomed boats, so the remaining fanatics can view what used to be. Also, start up a cruise line for Evangelical Christians where loved ones cremains are chucked overboard into the former Holy Land. Bonus points for whoever in Florida recreates the Holy Land, with rides and concessions, as a money-making scheme. Florida's chock-a-block with retired Jews and young Evangelicals, so this one's sure to be a money maker.

Problem: American kids are getting dumber, and don't appreciate what they have.

Solution: Outsource them to India. The ones that survive will appreciate America a lot more, and they can apply to come back to America when they are properly subservient. In the event that none survive, insource Indian kids. They eat less, anyway, which is bound to be more cost-effective.

Problem: Starving, disease-ridden Africans.

Solution: This one's a no-brainer, people. Quit feeding the Africans! Trust me, just like Darfur, the problem will go away. You feed, they breed. C'mon, if Africa was a business, you would have sold your stocks years ago. We're pouring billions of dollars into that shithole, and getting no return for our investment. The least they could do is send over some little African kids to clean our houses and pick up the dog shit in the backyard. Jesus, the ungrateful fuckers.

Problem: North Korea.

Solution: Bomb it back to the Stone Age. Best case scenario: They never manage to get a missile off. Sure, they've got nukes, but they probably can't afford radar. Worst case scenario: North Korea manages to get one off, and they take out Japan. No biggie for us; all of our so-called Japanese "import" cars are made here in the US anyway.

Problem: Cocaine is funding Central American terrorist groups.

Solution: Legalize cocaine, grow it here in the US, and flood the market. The Central American terrorist organizations will have no funding. Yes, everyone in America will be on coke, but we're already hyper, violent, oversexed, and have voted Bush in. How much worse can it get, just by adding cocaine?

Problem: Celebrities in the news for adopting foreign babies.

Solution: Leave it alone. These people are dumber than fuck; you don't want them breeding on their own (Just look at Britney Spears and Kevin Federline. Are these two people who should have bred? I think not). It's not like they're raising the kids, anyway. They have nannies for that, who are probably better educated than the celebrities themselves. The kids will grow up, write best-seller books about wire hangers, and make lots of money.

Problem: Hopeful US presidential candidates are campaigning earlier and earlier each year, much to the irritation of the citizenry.

Solution: Quit holding elections. It's not like the current president was actually elected, the first time around, so I think we've proven what a farce the system is.

So, as you can see, I obviously have some brilliant ideas here, and I may post some others as they come to me. If you have any problems you'd like solved, please feel free to e-mail me. I'm thinking of setting up my own consulting business, so that I can work from home. Does anyone have Halliburton's new number in Dubai?

Fat Sparrow


fatmammycat said...

Huzzah! You once was poorly and now are weller. I'll go read the post now.

First Nations said...

Just how many times did you read L. Neil Smith while you were on your bed of pain????

there's always the motto of the Rangers: kill 'em all, let God sort 'em out.

Annie Rhiannon said...

Welcome back, Fat Sparrow. Blonk of the week.

Old Knudsen said...

Rangers: kill 'em all, let God sort 'em out.

Its bad when the Rangers think they are the Templars doing God's work. I think the 7th Cavalry must of had the same saying.

All this talk of killing, I'm having flashbacks to Agincourt.

Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

The only logical thing to do with the world in the state it's in, is to lock yourself in your house for twenty-three and a half hours of the day, venturing out only for supplies, tin-foil and to confirm the news is still bad.

This would not be a happy, fulfilling or useful life but it is the only truly logical thing to do, given everything.

Eddie Waring said...

Condoleeza Rice can fuck off. You should have her job. If I ever get elected for anything, you have a job waiting for you.
Lets pitch the land mines at the border idea for a reality show. FOX will buy the fucker for sure.

Fat Sparrow said...

FMC -- Yep, I'm kinda back, at least for the moment.

FN -- Oh God, I haven't thought about him in years. I read one of his books, back in the 80's, but it was shite.

Did you know that the Libertarians want you to sign a statement saying that you do not advocate overthrowing the government by force, before you can officially join the Libertarian Party? Fucking pussies, and small-minded ones at that. Um, that's kind of how the US got its start; why change things now?

And I always liked that motto, so I did.

Annie -- Thanks! It's good to be back.

Old Knudsen -- I think the 7th Cavalry's motto was "RETREAT!"

Sam -- See, I knew you understood me. I just bought more tinfoil, too.

Eddie -- Sounds good to me. And I'd vote for you.

I think that Fox would snap up that prisoner execution thing first, though. I mean, it's kinda "Running Man," so if we can get Schwarzenegger to weigh in on it, what with him being governor now, I'm sure it will sell.

iLL Man said...

Remind me never, ever, ever to vote for you, you mad woman.

Apart from that, well said....

Fat Sparrow said...

Ill Man -- You're assuming that I was going to become Supreme Overlord by holding elections? Mwhahahaha!

Kav said...

I'd vote for you. Hell, I'd kill for you.

I do kill for you, you know.

The Hangar Queen said...

Nicely put Oh Great Bird Of Wisdom.Good to have you back on form.
Two things
Spock and Kirk were up each other all the time.I saw the squeegee in their (shared) shower.

7th Cav's Motto;
"Watch that fucker!He'll have someone's scalp off with that thing if he's not careful"

spoon said...

LOL!!! You really crack me up, some unique solutions you got there Fat Sparrow!

The Swearing Lady said...

That's all very concise and all, but I'm more interested in your brother's funky ears. Do they wiggle when someone plays Lipps Inc? Do you rent him out for parties?

Foot Eater said...

I agree with all the proposals here except that I would also advocate homosexual anal love as a panacea.

Foot Eater said...

Er... sorry, I've been hitting the bottle tonight. Ignore that last comment.

iLL Man said...

I don't think I can ignore it.....

Fat Sparrow said...

Kav -- "I do kill for you, you know."

I thought we were going to keep that just between us.

Devin -- Thanks! It's good to be (semi) back.

Spoon -- Why, thank you. If only people would follow my directions.

TSL -- I had to Google that Lipps Inc reference. I am afraid of you now, very afraid.

And yes, he can wiggle them, but no, we do not let him out of the cage very often. More on this later.

Footie -- That pink shirt was a dead giveaway. And we're supposed to pardon you because you're hitting the bottle tonight? Like that's different from any other night?

Ill Man -- It does rather burn an image in one's mind, does it not?

genghis khan said...

The problem with this post is that it's yet another example of the bleeding-heart tree-hugging pinko bilge served up by the guilt-ridden middle classes. What we need is tough solutions.

whyioughtta said...

I like your suggestions becuz they don't misunderestimate the powerfullness of weapons power. After all, you have a stronger hand when there's more people playing your same cards. What I mean is I'd like to strategize some discussions with you sometime. Like I'm always telling people, let's don't fear the future, let's shape it., I mean "Whyioughtta"

Fat Sparrow said...

Genghis -- I'll try harder next time.

Geor... -- Exactly. By the way, while you're here.... I heard you may have an opening soon in your administration. I ignore the law, I lie like a rug, and I'm a woman that's part Native American and Hispanic, so I fill that minority quota thing. When Alberto goes back to doing lawns or washing dishes, give me a call, okay?

whyioughtta said...

Hey, yer a l'il talkin' birdie.

Well ain't that somethin.

How did you get there inside them internets?


Michael said...

Love it!

I couldn't have said it better myself.

First Nations said...

ok fine; you aren't spock, and you aren't updating nearly enough, either. is it the plangent love call of the male sparrow (CHIRP wash rinse repeat 156 times) burning in your lil' heart that makes you remiss?

Fat Sparrow said...

FN -- "Apparently the female house sparrow finds this impossible to resist. Once she has selected a mate the two of them will spend the rest of the season and on into the early part of the fall raising successive nests full of young, picking at invisible things, and rolling in a frenzied, feathered ball of orgiastic sparrow coitus on my front lawn."

Yeah, that's what I've been busy doing.

Okay, no, actually I've just been too depressed to post. So I'm being a flaky bastard again. We'll see how it goes.