Tuesday, January 09, 2007

This country is going to the dogs

Once again, I am ashamed of being an American. You'd think I'd be used to it by now, but no, each cringe-worthy incident hits me with Ben Stiller-like timing, and I blush anew all over again.

The latest news that makes me want to hide in a corner? An obesity drug for dogs. That's right, all those women who have been starving themselves to be rail thin while stuffing their little rat-size dogs with every tidbit they can, until the dogs are so round that they cannot walk (not that the dogs walked to begin with), now have a diet drug for their fucking canines. Maybe if they actually walked the dogs to begin with, the dogs wouldn't be such rotund fat fuckers. I do wonder what kind of bad karma a person must have had in their previous lives to come back as a Chihuahua that spends its life tucked under Paris Hilton's armpit. Yuck.

So, now it has come to this: drugs for fat dogs. Just say "No," America. Scientists being what they are, with their Rube Goldberg-type brains, they might not have noticed something very obvious, which I am ever so happy to point out to them: pet dogs don't feed themselves. That's right, someone with opposable thumbs, and supposedly a brain, has to feed the useless shites. I know this as a fact, as I have had many dogs, and they have all been completely useless at getting their own dinners. I did have one Lab that apparently had been genetically engineered to have the stomach of a goat, as he would eat aluminum cans, rosebushes, poisonous plants, and whatever else came along. I have heard about sharks that are caught and cut open, to have their stomach contents revealed to have items such as license plates, tires, and engine parts inside. Damn, now I'm hungry....

Where was I? Oh yes, here's my tip for all those idiots who are ready to rush out and spend perfectly good money on obesity drugs for your fat fucker dogs: stop feeding your dogs! I guarantee that they will lose weight, and if you only feed them intermittently they will really, really appreciate you when you start feeding them again. You can trust me on this one, as I have empirically tested it on my children for years. Now that I have published, my grant money should be coming through any time now.

Fat Sparrow

16 comments:

Kav said...

I should've known. Fat Sparrow. Fat Mammy Cat. The word fat has linked you two, and now this post surely confirms that you are in fact the same person.

Sassy Sundry said...

I KNOW! This was so stupid.

They are going to post labels on the doggie drugs so that their owners won't take it. Does anyone really think that someone who would give their dog a weight-loss drug is smart enough to follow that warning?

The first OD case is going to be a tragic hoot.

Philip said...

Blimey. If she's a fat cat and a fat sparrow, she's obviously been eating herself to excess. Fun, no doubt, but definitely fattening.

Eddie Waring said...

I give my obese dog crystal meth. It's much cheaper, training the dog to snort it is the problem and blowing it up it's arse through a straw is becoming tiresome.

fatmammycat said...

What are you saying Slim Kav? Don't have Sybil and me come round there.

Lambent said...

Eddie,
Watch out what you gove your pets.
When I was a student one of my flatmates sprinkled a pinch of speed into out cat's food. It ripped about the house for an hour before climbing up a curtain and dropping down dead.

Although this may have been a bit cruel, it was worth the amusement factor

Eddie Waring said...

Lambent - The worst thing about the loss of a pet is the problem of what to do with any left over pet food after they die. With this in mind, I only buy small bags of dog food just in case.

Annie Rhiannon said...

"I do wonder what kind of bad karma a person must have had in their previous lives to come back as a Chihuahua that spends its life tucked under Paris Hilton's armpit."

Indeed

Fat Sparrow said...

Kav -- It's not the first time that I have been suspected of being FMC. Footie has obviously indoctrinated you into his secret agenda now that he has gone in to semi-retirement.

Sassy -- But not nearly as funny as when the authorities don't find the dead OD'd owner in time, and that fat little Pomeranian eats off said dead owner's eyeballs and face.

Philip -- I am shocked, shocked, I tell you. I thought you was a gentleman.

Eddie -- Try the Mexican method: Feed it to your dog in a balloon.

FMC -- If I respond to your comment, is that me talking to myself?

Lambent -- You can't necessarily blame the speed. It may have been that the curtains were especially horrendous. Or that the cat was just shocked when the curtains didn't match the rug.

Annie -- Well, one does wonder.

EmmaK said...

Yes, it's a stupid idea. What worries me is that I know the obesity drug for humans has the side effect of a lot of anal leakage. Wonder if it's the same for the dog pill? Basically, because the fat from food is not absorbed it trickles out. Now that is not going to look good on mummy's fur coat now is it?

fatmammycat said...

Who said that?

Fat Sparrow said...

Emma -- Nothing says "sexy" like anal leakage.

FMC -- Is there an echo in here?

H Hubert Hubert said...

Grant first. Then research (preferably somewhere warm, with beaches). Only *then* do you publish. You're doing it all wrong, you see.

Fat Sparrow said...

Dammit, that's why I'm not rich and famous yet, isn't it? I knew it couldn't be because of lack of talent.

Justin said...

Hey! plz dont be ashamed to be an American.. u shud be proud of it

Fat Sparrow said...

Justin -- plz fck of u shud lern 2 right nglish.