Once again, I am ashamed of being an American. You'd think I'd be used to it by now, but no, each cringe-worthy incident hits me with Ben Stiller-like timing, and I blush anew all over again.
The latest news that makes me want to hide in a corner? An obesity drug for dogs. That's right, all those women who have been starving themselves to be rail thin while stuffing their little rat-size dogs with every tidbit they can, until the dogs are so round that they cannot walk (not that the dogs walked to begin with), now have a diet drug for their fucking canines. Maybe if they actually walked the dogs to begin with, the dogs wouldn't be such rotund fat fuckers. I do wonder what kind of bad karma a person must have had in their previous lives to come back as a Chihuahua that spends its life tucked under Paris Hilton's armpit. Yuck.
So, now it has come to this: drugs for fat dogs. Just say "No," America. Scientists being what they are, with their Rube Goldberg-type brains, they might not have noticed something very obvious, which I am ever so happy to point out to them: pet dogs don't feed themselves. That's right, someone with opposable thumbs, and supposedly a brain, has to feed the useless shites. I know this as a fact, as I have had many dogs, and they have all been completely useless at getting their own dinners. I did have one Lab that apparently had been genetically engineered to have the stomach of a goat, as he would eat aluminum cans, rosebushes, poisonous plants, and whatever else came along. I have heard about sharks that are caught and cut open, to have their stomach contents revealed to have items such as license plates, tires, and engine parts inside. Damn, now I'm hungry....
Where was I? Oh yes, here's my tip for all those idiots who are ready to rush out and spend perfectly good money on obesity drugs for your fat fucker dogs: stop feeding your dogs! I guarantee that they will lose weight, and if you only feed them intermittently they will really, really appreciate you when you start feeding them again. You can trust me on this one, as I have empirically tested it on my children for years. Now that I have published, my grant money should be coming through any time now.