Saturday, January 06, 2007

Fuck's sake, it's 2007

I'm back. I think. At least until the Valium runs out, that is. It's going to take me ages to catch up on everyone's blogs, so let me apologize right now, up front, for being slow, as I still have a lot going on. I'm not even going to attempt to catch up on Old Knudsen. Is he getting paid per post, or what?

So, the update.... Never mind that; I have won a Major Award! Not bad for someone who has thrown herself dramatically upon death's door (or at least the floor mat in front of the automatic doors at the ER), not to mention that I have only been blogging for part of 2006.

All right, so really, the update. Doctors suck. Okay, maybe not your doctor, but my doctor. You may remember her cruel visage from a previous post. Dr. Cruella De Vil is now officially on my list. You know, "I have a little list, they never will be missed..." Don't pretend to be shocked; you know that you have a list, too. It's just that I will admit to it. I have been working on refining my amazing mental powers, and I am fairly sure that any day now, her head will explode in flames. In the meantime, I am contenting myself with looking at her picture in the Medical Group's website, while making crab-pincer-like movements with my fingers, and muttering "I'm pinching your head, I'm pinching your head!" Yes, "Kids in the Hall" was a bad influence on me. I have no idea how this woman got a medical degree, or why she bothers to pretend to be a doctor, since she refuses to see patients. Namely me. The rest of the patients can fuck off and die. Of course, if they are under Dr. De Vil's "care," they probably will, and soon.

I ended up, twice, in the ER at Loma Linda Hospital, which is a world-class (and mildly famous) Medical Center and University. I cannot possible praise them enough. They are wonderful, wonderful people, with cutting-edge technology, which is put to use on you immediately. This is truly an amazing thing, because as a societal parasite, I usually have to wait weeks and weeks to get tests of any kind ordered for me. I was seen by one of the top doctors there, who also teaches at the University, has a MS in Clinical Psychology on top of being an MD, and who is, in my humble opinion, a fucking genius. It was this doctor who suspected that I have lupus. He asked me a whole bunch of weird, seemingly unrelated questions, and told me to get thee to a rheumatologist.

Now, I have been tested for lupus before. I have always been sickly, and I was tested back in the day when I was 11 or 12. The results came back as "Borderline; Inconclusive." It was suggested that I have follow-ups twice a year. My parents, who had no health insurance at this time, and had gone in to debt to take me to a specialist, decided to pay the mortgage instead. Apparently in the intervening decades, the criteria for diagnosing lupus have changed. All these little weird symptoms that I had just put up with for years may actually be inter-related, and part of one illness. For my part, it would be a relief to get a definitive diagnosis at this point, even if it is of a major illness. I have had major illnesses all my life. Putting them all under one umbrella for possible treatment would not be a bad thing.

And so we came back to Dr. Cruella De Vil. After my ER visits, I was advised to follow up with my regular doctor. You know, the one that can't be arsed seeing me. So I did. I came in with my laundry list all ready. The ER doctor had put me on Valium (as a muscle relaxant and pain reliever) and Prednisone (to reduce muscle and joint inflammation). He recommended that I be continued on a maintenance dosage of each, and please tell my regular doctor. I did, and my doctor immediately told me to fuck off. Well, not in those exact words, but the general feeling was definitely there. "Valium" apparently sent up smoke signals in her puny, dinosaur-like brain, and so therefore I must be some kind of a drug addict.

As if. I can't even have any of the good stuff, as I am allergic to opiates and opiate derivatives. Dr. De Vil and I had a discussion about this. She then proceeded to dismiss any possibility of me having any type of pain ("Why haven't you come in to see me about it?" Um, gee, maybe because you won't see me?), and then gave me a prescription for some type of pain reliever that I had never heard of before. I had a hard time looking it up on the Internet when I got home from the appointment, as she had misspelled it on the prescription.

The drug was called "Ultram," (not "Ultran," which is what she had written) and I'm damn glad I was suspicious and looked it up, because IT'S A FUCKING OPIATE. That's right, I could easily have taken it and gone in to anaphylactic shock, and promptly carked it. Not only that, but it is contraindicated with 5 other medications that I'm on, all of which Dr. De Vil also knows about. It is also more addictive than Valium. What the fuck? If I can find out all this on the Internet in less than five minutes, why can't she?

She also refused to give me a referral to a rheumatologist, as she is not aware of any of the newer criteria for diagnosing lupus, and therefore thinks that there is no possibility that I have it. She then proceeded to slag off ER doctors as "knowing nothing" and "only there to patch people up, not diagnose." I said "That's funny, the very prestigious doctor I saw at the ER said most General Practitioners like yourself wouldn't recognize a non-classic case of lupus. How many lupus cases have you handled?" Dr. De Vil gave me A Look, and replied, "Three or four, thank you."

I give up. I am switching doctors, as this one is hazardous to my health.

I have soooooo much more to catch all of you up on, and so many blogs to look at, but it will have to wait until a bit later. The Nestling Sparrow is recovering from having a stomach bug, and I still have loads of barfed on sheets, clothing, and towels to wash.

Such is the life of glamour of a blogger who has won a Major Award. Try not to be too envious.

Fat Sparrow


Old Knudsen said...

Yeah that would be right, I can't even get flagged for fuck sake. If I stopped Blogging everytime I caught the clap I'd be a God by now.

fatmammycat said...

Jesus Christ, sound bloody awful and you are lucky to have had the good sense to look the medicine up first. Anyhoo, glad you are on the mend.
Off now to read the Sunday papers and eat moules and frites, and not clean barfed on sheets, although I am not in any way trying to make you jealous, at all.

Philip said...

Dammit. I got a Fumier Award last year and none of that happened to me. Just because I don't post pictures of my doctor (he's got a moustache anyway). O tempora, o mores.

JO said...

Oh Jesus, I had a know it all incompetent doctor once ... get rid of her fast. They are the worst kind. They always put down other doctors diagnosis. It's a sure fire sign that it's time to bail.

Gaijin Girl said...

happy new year, fat sparrow - although it sounds like it hasn't been that great so far. hope it all gets sorted soon and you feel better.

congrats on the award. you deserve it.

Sassy Sundry said...

Congratulations on the award.

I'm really sorry to hear about the lupus. One of my friends from college has it. Not fun. It sounds like you are taking it well.

As for your doctor, I don't believe in lawsuits, but you should sue. Horror show.

Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

Your doctor is a right horror. Can you make some sort of complaint about her to someone? She sounds dangerous.

I'm sorry about the lupus, hon'. I guess as long as you're going to be ill though it's as well to know why you're ill. The diagnosis might mean getting more appropriate treatment and having less extreme symptoms. You've got to get rid of that doctor though. She's a health hazard.

Happy New Year, anyway, Ducks. My pair had the vomitting thing too as did the hubbie only more spectacularly so. It was the holidays so I can't even blame the pestilence-hole they call pre-school for their picking it up.

And congratulations on your Major Award!

fumier said...

One day, people will look back to see who won the first ever "fumies".

Fat Sparrow said...

Old Knudsen -- That's funny; I keep reporting to you to Blogger. Wait, I mean recommending, yeah, that's it.

FMC -- Ah dear, if only I hadn't gone and reproduced. It all seemed so romantic at the time. Nine months later, you're begging someone to make you unconscious and cut it out of you. 12 years later, I had forgotten all about it, and went and did the same damn thing all over again. Fuck, am I dumb.

Philip -- I'm sure I must have caught all this from visiting Footie's site. And my doctor has a moustache, too. You just can't tell in the website picture because of the Liz Taylor lighting the photographer used.

Jo -- I will be switching as soon as my HMO deigns to notice my desperate pleas.

GG -- Thanks!

Sassy -- Thanks! I would love to sue, but, being a societal parasite, the rules do not allow me to. The most I can do is switch doctors. Beggars and choosers and all that.

Sam -- Back in the day when my daughter was in day care, my dad used to call anything viral he picked up from her "Day Care Disease." Little germ factories is what they are. :::shudders::: Being the anal germophobe that I am, I buy hand sanitizer by the gallon and always have some with me, but in a soft moment I actually let the Nestling Sparrow ride in a cart at Wal-Fuck. 3 days later, let the hork-fest begin. I'm wrapping him in plastic when we go out from now on, and spraying everything he might possibly touch with Lysol. People are dirty buggers. Not that I have issues.

Fumier -- I am so proud, I may just have it tattooed on my arse.

Kav said...

Good lord, pigeon, what an adventure. Clever you using the internet and all that. And def get rid of that cunt - you know they're covering up insecurities when they spend more time criticising others than doing anything useful themselves. Word, cluck cluck, brrrr.

Kav said...

Oh and congratumalations on your prestigious award. Have a cool beverage on me.

Foot Eater said...

Dr De Vil is giving me a right old horn and no mistake. Is she single?

Anonymous said...

Glad you are still alive - you are alive right? Nice to hear of the award. Your Cruella sound sexy in a perverted medical fantasy kind of way - do you have her number?

fumier said...

FS - that I would like to see.

Fat Sparrow said...

Kav -- " you know they're covering up insecurities when they spend more time criticising others than doing anything useful themselves"

Hahaha, that sounds a lot like the Fledgling Sparrow's teachers.

And thanks on the congrats.

Footie -- You are one sick fuck, and no mistake. I do admire that in a man.

Mutley -- Jesus, man, you and Fumier! Did you even look at the woman's picture?! I've seen her attempt at "surgery" on my daughter's toe; you do not want to let this woman near your knob.

Fumier -- I swear on my pre-planned gravestone (epitaph: "I told you I was sick, you fuckers") that if I ever have it done, I will send you pictures.