Thursday, November 16, 2006

Search me

Some searches from the past few months that I have gotten as hits on my blog (thanks Site Meter!)

17 separate searches for "big arses," all from the UK. I am sure that Footie will deny that any of them were him.

1 search for "big arse" from Australia. 1 for "minge." Also "fill my pussy" and "daughters pussy." Please tell me they're talking about a cat. And then there's "ice drug." Don't ask me, for once I have no idea.

3 searches from Texas for "farting gay." That's three searches.

A search for "masturbating with batteries and q tips" from Canada. This one is definitely the first prize winner of searches. You have my interest and my respect, sir or madam.

Also from Canada, "does watching pron break my fast during ramadan," and "wanking about pron during ramadan." I don't know which is more disturbing; the fact that they cannot spell a simple word like "porn," or that they might actually have meant "prawn." Either way, I would like to tell this to the people that did the searches, and I mean this most sincerely: Kill yourself now. Please.

More from Canada: "how to get rid of fat balls on a cats neck." Well, first you take your dick out of the cat's mouth....

5 searches, all from France, having to do with "fat americans on scooters."

From the UK: 4 searches for "fat minge." 1 for "fat poos." 1 for "nicely stoned." 1 for "why does my cum taste of garlic?" and 1 for "sam likes minge." 4 searches for "minge." 1 search for "sweaty farts." 3 searches for "dead pussy." 1 search for "mother in law lets daughter suck her tits." 1 for "rabbit minge" and 1 for "fat twats." 1 search for "ulster mad dog." Then there's "bud delivered pay weed." You really can get anything on the Internet these days, I guess. Also "fuck the minge," "fuck a fat bird," and "porn slang salad tossing." I do believe that porn is much like foreign films, in that there's no point watching if you don't know what's going on. Then there's "wanking my daughter." No, I don't want to know. Also "how to make fire come out of exhaust." I heard curry will do the trick on that one.

From a British person in America: "why can't you use water or any kind of extinguisher on a chip pan fire." They got my "Fire In The Hole" story, and hopefully they learned something from it.

1 search from Germany for "hate mother-in-law must kill." Also from Germany, "horse fuck." And "aribians gays." Then there was "business fuck porn" and "flashlight porn."

31 searches from the US having to do with "the worms crawl in the worms crawl out," in various forms. 1 from Texas for "morgellons cyst," 1 from Louisiana for "tard," and 1 from Maryland for "my life is over." 1 search from Arizona for "pineapple, cum." 1 search from Oklahoma for "mother mary butt plug." "Fat teenagers" from Wisconsin, "lump yeah baby" from North Carolina, and "how to piss off a republican" from New York. I wouldn't have thought Hillary would need tips, but there you have it. I am always happy to give advice.

From Alabama, "you know you are an old bat when." "Old people farting" from Connecticut.

From Virginia, "tossing the salad" and "fat white male kids." Yay, the Democrats have won!

"Where exactly is the pussy hole" from Washington. What has happened to parental Internet controls?

And for the 12 people in the various parts of the US who searched for anything having to do with "how to wear modern leg warmers," please don't.

33 searches, worldwide, for any combination of "wrist lump bump volar ganglion cyst bible thump."

From Canada: 1 search for "crunch fucker." 1 search for "homosexual fart." 1 search for "bananas bodily fluids taste." Also "eat my pussy you bastard." I had no idea that Canadians could be assertive.

1 search from Massachusetts for "i need an old priest." I suppose that better than old priests doing searches for young boys.

From France: 1 search for "fatty kiddie sex." 1 search for "hairy arses." I would have thought they could search locally for that. Also "horse fuck."

1 search from Columbia for "sleeping fuck." Talk to my husband.

From Lithuania: "fat wife." From The Netherlands, "tossing the salad."

1 search from Virginia for "semen eating ants." Um, how's that again?! "Stick it in my pussy" from Missouri, The "Show Me" state. "Kiddie porn videos," from Ohio, the "I Don't Want To Know" state. "Fifties fruit plate," from Chicago, Illinois. "Eat my pussy you whore" from Florida. Good to know who's working at DisneyWorld, isn't it?

From Romania: 1 search for "alien eel."

1 search from Indiana for "best sex." Yep, they've come to the right place.

1 search from North Carolina for "telling the difference of weed."

1 from Washington for "how much weed do you need in brownies." Wouldn't that depend on what you're using the brownies for?

From South Africa: "does weed make you hungry." Is the Pope a Nazi?

1 search from America for "am i cursed?" 1 search from Australia for "i am cursed."

Also from Australia: 1 search for "insertin eels in the arse." The spirit of Steve Irwin lives on.

From Italy we have "old age fuckers." "Minge" from Malta. "Fuck my neighbor wife" from Indonesia. From India, "injured pussy while fucking." Exactly which meaning of "pussy" are we going with here? The feline one, or the twat one? Never mind, I'm sorry I asked.

1 search for "worms in pussy" from Poland.

1 search for "worm in my urethra" from Las Vegas. Remind me not to use the hotel pool next time I'm in Vegas. I have a feeling that not everything that happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. I'm just guessing, but I think herpes and urethral worms might travel.

1 search from India for "you are a person of culture." Yes, you have also come to the right place.

And here I was hoping that my numbers were going up due to my excellent writing.

Fat Sparrow


Anonymous said...

I must confess. I just got back from my round the world trip. That was all me. I'm afraid I'm your only reader.

Anonymous said...

"And here I was hoping that my numbers were going up do to my excellent writing."

Well, as someone who doesn't watch pron (especially not during the holidays)and who doesn't search for things involving batteries and q-tips (that just sounds dangerous), I can tell you that I read your blog for your excellent writing. That it is at times of a base and foul nature just makes it that much more excellent.

Andraste said...

That "horse fuck" person has also landed on my blog. Footie?

"how to get rid of fat balls on a cats neck." Well, first you take your dick out of the cat's mouth....

You are a fucking genius, and I bow to the mastery.

Kieran said...

Liar liar your bum's on fire.

But let's just say you did have worms in your pussy, what's the right course of action to take?

whyioughtta said...




*feels strange wormy twitch "down there"*

*runs to bathroom screaming*

(p.s. You are hilarious. Thanks for stopping by my place t'other day. Eye'll be baahck.)

Michael said...

Your keyword searches are WAY more interesting than mine!

Foot Eater said...

The funniest post I've ever seen on a blog.

And no, I wasn't behind the 'fat arses' or 'horse fuck' searches - Andraste, what do you take me for.

Fat Sparrow said...

Kav -- "I'm afraid I'm your only reader."

Somehow, somewhere, deep down, I knew that.

Sassy -- "That it is at times of a base and foul nature just makes it that much more excellent."

Only "at times"? I'll have to try harder.

Andraste -- "You are a fucking genius, and I bow to the mastery."

:::still giggling at how much fun that line was::: Thanks! That one kinda set itself up, don't you know.

Kieran -- "Liar liar your bum's on fire."

Let me assure you that I did not make any of those up.

"But let's just say you did have worms in your pussy, what's the right course of action to take?"

Open up your legs and set up a bait shop.

Whyioughtta -- I was just over there again. Blame Kav, he led me to you.

Michael -- I was constantly amazed by what I was getting as hits, so I just started keeping track of them all. It's a scary world out there.

Footie -- "The funniest post I've ever seen on a blog."

Don't be a hater, Footie.

"And no, I wasn't behind the 'fat arses' or 'horse fuck' searches - Andraste, what do you take me for."

I think we already said. Hey, at least we know what to get you for your birthday.

fatmammycat said...

"Does Peter Crouch have a belly button?' was what what lucky person typed in to find me, I don't know how they did it, but I snorted rum onto my 'puter screen in mirth, the fuckers.

Old Knudsen said...

I put various words in my posts to catch these folks, and I am quite happy with getting a Rimjob from Denmark, oh and I got a search for rimjob too.

Fat Sparrow said...

FMC -- Now that one is definitely unusual.

Old Knudsen -- You can see me cringing, right?

Anonymous said...

So there's no point asking you about amputee midget sex, then?

Fat Sparrow said...

No, but you can check with Old Knudsen, I'm sure he'll have that one covered.