Monday, November 27, 2006

Do you want the bad news, or the really bad news?

Well, first for some good news.... The Nestling Sparrow turned 3 today. There was a while there when we didn't think he'd make it this far, but now he's a big old beastie and I'm sure that one day he'll be able to eat solid food, really. He'll have to, because I'm not going to college with him to feed him a bottle. He's been having a blast playing with his presents; Diego stuff, Star Wars stuff, "Cars" DVD.



And now for the bad news.... Sorry once again for the slack bastard posting, but on top of the sinus infection....

WARNING! MEN WILL CRINGE WHILE READING THIS!

....I now have a yeast infection from being on the antibiotics for so long, and on top of that, I had suspected I had a bladder infection, and now I know for sure because it's turned in to a fucking kidney infection. I have to call up my doctor tomorrow and beg and plead for them to fit me in first thing, if at all possible. That's assuming I survive the night without ending up in the emergency room from the pain. Oh, and then there's the chest pains, the tingling in my left arm, the heart palpitations and the feeling that I'm being strangled when I lay down to sleep. Nothing to worry about I'm sure.

The Spouse Sparrow is beginning to suspect that the only reason I have come down with all of this at the same time so I can get House assigned as my doctor. He may be right, but it's entirely subconscious on my part. Honest. I just worry that I'd get that poofter Chase assigned to me. Fuck that shit, bring House in. I'll demand that he looks at me while I'm naked.

I can just picture it now, me waiting patiently on the clinic exam table, playing with my nipples, as House comes in....

House: "So what seems to be the problem?"

Me: "Well, I started out with a recurring sinus infection, my regular doctor put me on antibiotics, I got a rash under my ginormous diddies, got a cream for that, got a yeast infection, got a bladder infection, and then got a kidney infection."

House: (raises eyebrow, looks bemused)

Me: "So which would you like to look at first; the diddies, the yeast in my beast, or a urine sample?

House: (turns pale) "I think we'll let Cameron consult on this one." (starts to walk out the door)

Me: "Come back here, you coward! What kind of man are you?! Is that cane just for looks, or are you using it to mask your penis issues? Hello? Hey, come back, I have insurance you know!"


Ah well, you get what you pay for.

I will really, really, really attempt to put up a decent post by sometime tomorrow night, assuming I am not hospitalized. Sorry.

Fat Sparrow

28 comments:

Anonymous said...

Oh no! While I do hope that you get House as your doctor, I also hope that you get better soon. That's just terrible.

boudica of suburbia said...

Oooer. The yeast infections after the antibiotics are a fucking killer... you know what they prescribe you? MORE antibiotics!

fatmammycat said...

Er...organic yoghurt applied directly to the affected area helps a great deal, and buy Caniston over the counter too, it works super fast. But really the yoghurt-if you aren't squeamishly funny about it- is terrific.

mutleythedog said...

If you use yoghurt can I lick out the pot? (so to speak)

fatmammycat said...

Just put your lips together and blow.

whyioughtta said...

Geez, I'd a thought the "I have insurance you know!" would've gotten him back in there for sure. Goddam fictional t.v. doctors and their goddam fictional t.v. morals.

whyioughtta said...

p.s. Get well soon. Please. Seriously, no more yeast and diddie infection stories, okay?

:^)

ill man said...

Sounds horrendous Fat Sparrow. Fuck blogging, get yr arse well again.

........or whatever bits of you are feeling poorly........;D

Kieran said...

I didn't even flinch or cringe, not one bit.

I do feel a bit gayer though.

Old Knudsen said...

Use a level 4 forceshield and attack the Beast of yeast with the sword of Alveron. Dr Hoose indeed, you need Dr Shipman.

Kieran said...

...and also, get well soon.

ill man said...

Stay away from that bastard Kevorkian though.

Andraste said...

Now what's this apologizing and saying you'll soon put up a "decent post" nonsense? This charming little vignette with House as your doctor and the devastatingly clever dialogue...that surely counts as a "Decent post," in my book, anyway.

CAn't wait for tonight's episode, where House DECKS Chase. The gimp can hit!

Hope you feel better soon!

Purist said...

Is there a bucket anywhere?

Devin said...

There,there...let Nurse Devin take care of that nasty little problem *whispers* down there.I've got a lot of experience in this *ahem* field.
So just lie back,think of Ireland and I'll soon have this licked (fnnaaar)

Foot Eater said...

Look on the bright side - enough yeast and you'll be able to bake your own bread.

mutleythedog said...

.... SLUUUUURP!

Pam said...

Ooh, I'd like Dr Cameron to examine me. Phwoar !

Lambent said...

Bake your own bread? Brew your own beer more like.

Foot Eater said...

Bake your own beer, then. Fuck off, I'm a hunter-gatherer, not a cook.

fumier said...

Doesn't the Chinese Valley girl get to eyeball your minge?

First Nations said...

oh holy crap.
i would link you to the slappa in Kent WA who brews beer, ahem, under her own marque, ahem, but it sounds like you have enough to process at the mo.
1. yes, sadly, thats real
2. i cannot allow you to be hospitalized.

First Nations said...

btw- the yogurt thing really actually does work. ignore the low and nonfat and buy plain regular unflavored. let it get room temp first to activate the acidophilus. then just load up the
aaaaaaaand i'll just stop right there.
truly tho, and seriously. i used it with warm salt water on my famous nasal yeast plantation and it WORKS LIKE GANGBUSTERS.

Anonymous said...

Oh no, that sounds awful. I hope you get better soon. Well done for making it sound funny though.

Anonymous said...

... umm.. hospitalised? It's been almost a week and no word..

Should we send flowers?

PMJ said...

If House won't look at you naked, I will. This is a service I supply and there is no charge.

emma said...

Goodness me Sparrow, you are in a bad way. Smear yourself in yogurt and smell rancid until the infection goes away.

Anonymous said...

kimba you dirty slag, put them fuckin pinapples down and show us your melons.

fat spaz, are you alright love? fuckin liver infection is serious little fucker, don't be fuckni around with that. get that spouse bitch doin all the house shit for you an your just thinkk about getting back all not manky, and send me some picks of your baps when yourd done just so i can chekc to make sure your properly better like.