Saturday, February 10, 2007

Sad emo fuckers (not to be confused with sad emu fuckers, which is probably different)

I don't listen to music, and have actively tried to avoid it for a few years now, as most new music sounds like a cat being run over by a lawn mower, while some testosterone-laden, long-haired, idiot guy screams over the "music" as if he is in extreme pain due to hemorrhoids. It is irritating.

I like to have dead quiet in my house whenever possible, which is why I am up in the middle of the night, to play with my blog in secret, and curse others for having better, funnier blogs. I can mutter to myself in peace, with no one to interrupt me.

My very small house is incredibly noisy because of my 3-year-old son, the Nestling Sparrow. It is not only because of his constant jabbering, but also because of the background noise of the TV. He is addicted to watching "Dora the Explorer," and "Go, Diego, Go," the companion show to "Dora." He gets very, very involved; the kind of involvement that you usually only would see with stay-at-home housewives from the 1970's, and their soap operas. He can, and will, tell you in detail everything that has gone on in these shows, repeatedly.

So when I am by myself, I like to have no noise. Unfortunately, it has come to my attention, due to no fault of my own, and certainly not owing to me purposely listening to the radio, that there is a type of music out there called "emo." Now, from what I could gather, this is somewhat similar to a type of music that I listened to in the early '80's, and back then it was called "New Wave."

The major difference between New Wave and emo seems to be that New Wavers really didn't take themselves all that seriously. It was sort of tongue-in-cheek. Sure, they were guys that wore makeup and frilly white shirts, and went to art school in England, which is extremely gay, but you kinda got the feeling that when they were not on stage, they sat around in sweats, and forgot to shave, and scratched their balls. You know, guy stuff.

These sad emo fuckers, on the other hand, wear black clothes, and sometimes makeup, but they take themselves very, very seriously. Sometimes they even cry on stage. As any woman can tell you, this is not good for your makeup. I don't know what they are thinking. What on earth are they crying about? If you don't want to get your shit kicked in, stop trying to be such a pansy, and then you will have nothing to cry about. Fuck's sake, it's not like they even work; getting up onstage and singing about your sad life is not a real job, it's not real work.

I have a hard time believing that anybody would pay money to listen to this whinging, as it is not The Smiths, but apparently it is very popular amongst the teenagers. I do not encourage anything that will make teenagers more mopey, as they already walk around with sour faces, looking extremely miserable, and the girls especially are under the impression that this make them look hot, or like a super model.

Now, you would think that nothing could be any funnier than this, a bunch of fat American girls in black belly-tops and low-rider jeans, with their flabby stomachs hanging out, walking around with an expression on their face that looks like they were sucking lemons, thinking that they look really cool and skinny, like Kate Moss. This is dead funny, high comedy, all of it.

Even funnier is the part where they are totally Hispanic, very dark-skinned, and they put a ton of talcum powder on their face, to look all white and Goth-like. Even funnier, yes, even funnier than that, is when the girls spend all their time mooning over their male classmates, boys who are skinny dying fuckers (as the Spouse Sparrow is fond of calling them), with their hair dyed black, and their slip-on Vans, and the girls cannot tell that these boys are going to grow up to be flaming homos, homos so incredibly flaming that they make Liberace look tame by comparison.

Still more funny is the part where they go to the school counselors, and complain that they are being picked on. Either learn to stand up for yourself, or quit looking like a Tim Burton parody, is what I say. I went around, back when I was in high school in the '80's, looking like Dawn of the Dead meets The Addams Family, but I had quite a mouth on me, and no one picked on me more than once.

It is no use bringing guns to school, and shooting people that make fun of you, as no one will appreciate it, but if you can humiliate someone in front of a crowd of people, just by what is coming out of your sarky mouth, you will win friends and influence people, I am happy to tell you.

So, you sad emo fuckers, suck it up, and don't go in to therapy, you self-indulgent twats, as more talking about yourselves is the last thing you need. Go out and volunteer at an old people's home, so that you can get your mind off of your favorite subject, which is yourselves. Make fun of the geezers when they piss themselves, and that ought to cheer you up.

Fat Sparrow


Foot Eater said...

It is no use bringing guns to school, and shooting people that make fun of you, as no one will appreciate it

I'm so glad someone has finally stepped up and said what needed to be said, Mrs Sparrow. If we turn a blind eye to those high school shootings then God knows what the kids will get up to next.

Could you please post something about serial killers, as they need a stern talking to as well.

Fat Sparrow said...

Footie -- "Could you please post something about serial killers, as they need a stern talking to as well."

Are you insane? Just shoot the fuckers. Preferably while they're in a crowd of teenagers.

Gobbling Granny said...

Fat Sparrow, does this mean you’re feeling better, dearie? We’ve all been so worried about you here at the hospice.
I was just saying to Big Carl the other day how much we need more of those elmo fuckers volunteering their time. Their doom and gloom and death gives us all a new lease on life because we’ve never laughed so much. Makes a girl quite randy again.
The humourless sods do tend to get a laugh if we pee ourselves, but the smirks are wiped off their pasty faces pretty quickly when we fart and follow through after Wednesday curry night.

First Nations said...

oh my god yes. goth/punk is still hanging on out here in the wilderness as the ULTIMATE SHOCKING STATEMENT OF REBELLION and it is just sad. we have the fat dumplings with their blonde dutch curls colored up with Magic Markers and their wibbly tums hanging over the waistbands of their trousers, the brown girls with faces like mardi gras masks, morticia addams to the jawline, chubby mexican/NA/cambodian/farsi everyhere else. and the guys? the aryan zitfools walking around inside clothes which are several sizes to large, calling each other migga in equal proportion to the skanky meth zombies with black hair and piercings in various supperating stages of rejection...yeah.
the ultra secret double punchline? out here, it WORKS EXACTLY AS PLANNED.


First Nations said..., i didn't proofread. suck on it.

Anonymous said...

I remember Abba and ELO as well as my favourite - The Mud. Are they similar??

Fat Sparrow said...

Gobbling Granny -- You're probably in much better health than I am. I do believe I could use a hospice break.

One of the old dears in my Grammie's rest home used to sneak up behind and grope the young men that came through (not that there were many of them). Her wheelchair must have had super-silent wheels, because she would get them every time they weren't looking. Keep up the good work.

FN -- Eh, teenagers; what can you do? My parents were Young Republicans in the 60's. Quite shocking, from my point of view.

Don't worry about the proofreading; I'm used to Old Knudsen.

I'm here for now, don't know about "back," yet.

Mutley -- ABBA I know. ELO I've heard of. The Mud? Not a clue. It's either before or after my time.

Old Knudsen said...

Was I insulted somewhere? sorry I nodded off I was up all night crying no i'm not into emo I finished all my drink and can't afford anymore until Wednesday. I didn't poof read this shite as I have the shakes, hey you've lost yer edge not enough swearing.

Philip said...

Noreen - is that you?

Foot Eater said...

poof read


Kav said...

One of those lads was on the train yesterday evening, practicing really hard at looking forlorn and misunderstood. I pushed the cunt under the 1712 express to London Kings Cross.

Good to see you again my avian friend. How're things? I must mail you when I regain control of my testes.

Fat Sparrow said...

Old Knudsen -- "hey you've lost yer edge not enough swearing."

Blame it on the fever.

Philip -- Smart arse. I didn't say "cunt."

Footie -- That is how he sees it, you know.

Kav -- Good on ya. Get them before they breed, that's what I say. You have to start killing them off younger every year.

Um, dare I ask who has your testes? Was it a hostile takeover? Can we buy shares?

Andraste said...

Emo? Isn't that a Sesame Street character?

I can't keep up.

Think I'll write some poems about self pity and listen to some Bauhaus.

fatmammycat said...

Tomorrow I'll post a velly fetching picture for ya, all personal like. Solo para ti.

Fat Sparrow said...

Andraste -- Would you think less of me if I told you I have a 12" picture disc of "Bela Lugosi's Dead"?

FMC -- I am intrigued.

Clairwil said...

Thank the Lord -you're proper back!

Sassy Sundry said...

When I see emo people, I always want to skip up to them, grinning like a fool, and wish them a very happy day.

Andraste said...

No, Sparrow, I wouldn't think less of you. Because I'm listening to Bauhaus singles right now...


Anonymous said...

Does Wagner count as emo?
By the way - as its Valentines night - any chance ...please?

Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

Hey Sparrow! Fatmammycat's got something for you over at her's.

Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

What's wrong with Kav's testes? Golly. That must be a flippin worry! That's too bad Kav, mate.

Billy said...

Apparently, Bela Lugosi is DEAD!

Kav said...

Did I say testes? Oh, I meant "my life, which is spiralling rapidly out of control and shows no sign of slowing down any time soon". My mistake.

Don't worry, the nuts are still as firm and plum-like as, um, nuts.

ill man said...

Ach, they'll grow out of it. It's when they don't you have to start worrying.

What's the collective noun for emo kids anyway? A whinge maybe?

Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

Kav, I've stopped worrying.

iLL Man said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
iLL Man said...

And I've learnt to love the bomb....

Fat Sparrow said...

Clairwil -- No, I'm still fucked, healthwise. I'm off again.

Sassy -- I was a Perky Goth. I dressed in black, but had Hello Kitty and My Little Twin Stars accessories. Sad, I know.

Andraste -- Oh thank God; it's not just me, then.

Mutley -- "Does Wagner count as emo?"

He's unoriginal and derivative, so probably.

"By the way - as its Valentines night - any chance ...please?"

I heard you were staying home and licking your balls this year. Was I misinformed?

Sam -- Thank you, I have checked that out.

Billy -- "Apparently, Bela Lugosi is DEAD!"

But still not getting as much press as Anna Nicole. Ah, if only he had had tatas.

Kav -- "I meant "my life, which is spiralling rapidly out of control and shows no sign of slowing down any time soon".

I'll see you and raise you $140 in bank overdraft fees (due to me forgetting to log in a purchase in my checkbook) and another kidney infection.

Ill Man -- "Ach, they'll grow out of it. It's when they don't you have to start worrying."

There's always the Army.

"What's the collective noun for emo kids anyway? A whinge maybe?"

That one sounds good to me.

"And I've learnt to love the bomb...."

Watch it, you're dating yourself there. I believe it's Da Bomb, nowadays. I am so hip it is unbelievable.